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Kevin McCarthy Has Chosen To Stay And Fail: Day Three!
Things are going well in America.
Is something going to happen today or are they just going to adjourn? Or are they going to vote for Kevin McCarthy to fail three more times and then adjourn? Or will they adjourn first and then Kevin will go be by himself somewhere and find a way to personally fail during that time?
And WHO WILL GEORGE SANTOS SIT WITH TODAY?
All your questions answered in this liveblog!
12: 00:It's noon. Do you know where your speaker of the House is? Trick question, they don't exist.
If you missed our liveblog yesterday, it is here.
Did you hear about the letter from all the batshit religious right seditionist MAGA types calling for Somebody Not Kevin? Ginni Thomas signed it!
Also we are pretty sure Andrea Mitchell just hocked a loogie on live TV.
12: 05:Elise Stefanik says no quorum present, Kevin McCarthy doesn't get to fail yet.
12: 12:OH GOD, THEY ARE GOING TO DO ANOTHER HUMILIATION WE MEAN VOTE.
12: 15:Michigan Rep.-Elect John James, who is Black, is nominating McCarthy. Take that, Matt Gaetz and Lauren Boebert! Kevin McCarthy has a Black friend too!
There are four Black Republicans in the new House, by the way. James just literally bragged that he and one of his new colleagues "doubled" the number of Black Republicans in the new House. This is very embarrassing.
James also just made a hilarious joke about how they finally won a vote last night, to leave and go eat pizza. He knew he made a funny joke because he made this face.
12: 23:And now Pete Aguilar rises to again nominate Hakeem Jeffries, from the party that can't count its Black members on one hand.
He reminds John James that winning a vote to leave and go eat pizza is not a "victory."
12: 26: And now one of the idiots, NC GOP Rep. Dan Bishop, rises to remind everyone that Byron Donalds, who has been in Congress since 2021, could be the first Black speaker, because he is also Black, have you all met his Black friend?
All the Democrats start cheering "Hakeem! Hakeem!"
Anyway, Bishop nominates Byron Donalds, who he explains is Black.
He is also bitching and moaning a whole lot that Democratic Rep. Cori Bush said Republicans are using Byron Donalds as a "prop." He is North-Carolina-white-splaining to the Democrats how racist that is of Cori Bush to say that.
Just another white Republican from the south who sounds like he's doing an impression of a confederate Foghorn Leghorn with a dick stuck in his throat. It's kind of their thing.
12: 32:Look at this piece of shit.
“Bishop: Yesterday, we could have elected the first black speaker of the United States house of representatives. Democrats: *Chants Hakeem*”
— Acyn (@Acyn) 1672939871
And now it is time for the SEVENTH failing vote of failing!
12: 36: Here is an early list of the Republicans who have been voting against McCarthy in previous votes. We're already past "Breechen" on the list and all have voted for Donalds, so this is setting itself up as another failure.
12: 41:And now it looks like McCarthy has (unofficially) lost his seventh vote!
Garrett Haake says on MSNBC that there's some secret conversations and clamming up to reporters, so maybe SOMETHING IS HAPPENING.
12: 51:Matt Gaetz is THROUGH pretending he has a Black friend, apparently. He just voted for Donald Trump.
12: 52:In other news, apparently the deplorable unfuckable types with names that sound made up are calling McCarthy "Kieven Ukarthy?" That rolls off the tongue. (Into Vladimir Putin's butt.)
“Voting has barely begun in Round 7 of the Speaker’s race and Kieven Ukarthy has already lost How many times must we bang our heads against the wall until Kieven steps aside?!”
— Rogan O’Handley (@Rogan O’Handley) 1672940359
1: 04:This lady thinks it is INSTANT CLASSIC and many emojis to call Kevin "Kieven Ukarthy."
“@DC_Draino “Kieven Ukarthy” 🤣💀🤣💀🤣💀🤣 Instant classic. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾”
— Rogan O’Handley (@Rogan O’Handley) 1672940359
Conservatives getting better at humor, etc., etc.
These are the same people who spent eight years in comments sections cracking themselves up typing things like "BOAR-SOCK O'BUTTMUNCH" and "MOM-JEANS OBUNGLER."
1: 16:Commentator on MSNBC correctly trying to explain to idiot Beltway pundits that Hakeem Jeffries is not going to save Republicans and Hakeem Jeffries is not going to do a "coalition government" with Republicans and just fucking stop, you idiots.
1: 23:No, AOC's comments mean the opposite of that, Very Stupid Man John Roberts.
“Fox News anchor John Roberts: "Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez seemed to give some credence to Kat Cammack’s observation about alcohol, saying that if Democrats were doing shots every time there was an unsuccessful vote they'd be passed out by now."”
— Justin Baragona (@Justin Baragona) 1672942889
1: 43:MSNBC has moved to a press conference from Damar Hamlin's doctors. Ain't nothin' happening in Congress.
By the way, it sounds like Hamlin's neurological condition is intact, so that is wonderful news.1:
1: 46:Kevin McCarthy's latest loss is official, and everybody is also making fun of Donald Trump for losing elections he didn't even intentionally run in, because he was last place in this vote (Matt Gaetz).
Also this is the saddest fucking thing in the entire world.
“Santos listening to a conversation”
— Acyn (@Acyn) 1672943321
“Now Perry is mad a deal with McCarthy got leaked to the press. Seems like it was leaked by Gaetz, not McCarthy, but these guys are all clowns in a clown show.”
— Ron Filipkowski 🇺🇦 (@Ron Filipkowski 🇺🇦) 1672943795
Brian Mast is standing in front of the House talking about how Kevin McCarthy is so great, saying he's not garbage like Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell and John Boehner. Really. That's what's happening. This is how he's begging everyone to vote for Kevin McCarthy.
And this is him nominating McCarthy. FOR AN EIGHTH VOTE. THEY'RE DOING NUMBER EIGHT.
In response, badass Democratic Rep. Katherine Clark gets up to nominate Hakeem Jeffries again, noting that every single previous time, 212 people have voted for Jeffries. AKA "more than McCarthy's supporters."
1: 59:We are really really really liking Katherine Clark.
“Katherine Clark is very very good at this”
— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1672944510
Andy Biggs is now up being very subdued and saying he has to nominate his Black friend and that this is not a clownshow it is VERY SERIOUS BSNS.
2: 01:We guess Andy Biggs put that line about Byron Donalds "NOT A NOVICE" in because people are starting to point out/make fun of the fact that dude has been in Congress for ONE TERM.
And now they vote FOR THE EIGHTH TIME.
2: 08:This time, just to shake it up, Lauren Boebert babbles a while before she votes for Kevin Hern of Oklahoma! She too is through with having a Black friend.
2: 13:And that's five Not Kevins!
So those of you who had "eighth time" on your list, you are bad at bets and are eliminated from all future contests.
2: 21:The main takeaway from this eighth loser vote is that out of the nine Never Kevin votes so far, THREE have not been for Byron Donalds. Were these people not truly committed to him? Amazing.
Also for the next hour your updates will be from Rebecca MUST CREDIT REBECCA.
3: 00:Rebecca here while Evan has "break," as if that is even allowed. We are about to get the official tally for the eighth House speaker vote (SPOILER: LOL). Will they readjourn again? I am betting yes.
3: 15:Twitter (where I no longer am) informs me that Brian Kilmeade has finally found some "insurrectionists" he does not care for, and you will never guess who they are (they are people voting against Kevin McCarthy).
Okay, we are starting nominations again, for the ninth speaker vote. WHOM WILL IT BE?
3: 25:Some doucher Freedom Caucus guy promises that Kevin McCarthy and the Republicans "understand your pain." I am not sure I've heard a bigger howler this week. He also points out that THIS time, the House Republicans actually did get more vote than Democrats, which is true for the first time in like forever, and it's also the first time they've ever cared about "popular vote."
Time to nominate Hakeem Jeffries again!
Here comes my former Congressman Matt Rosendale of
MarylandMontana to piece-of-shit his stupid face all over his fellow House members and then nominate Byron Donalds again. (I thought they were trying someone new this time? Guess Trump wasn't the draw they thought he was.) Matt Rosendale is sad about "relationships" and how they are : ( now. Guy whose piece of shit party chased my family out of the state for crimes of wrongthink and Biden-voting just cain't believe y'all aren't friends no more. Also shocking? Sometimes Republicans in Congress aren't helpful!
Is Rosendale allowed to just keep talking forever? I guess we will find out!
Matt Rosendale is now going on and on about EARMARKS, and ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS, and is that one of the things Kevin McCarthy, dastardly earmarkerist, has promised? Because earmarks (aka THE GREASY LUBE OF CONSENSUAL BILLMAKING) have been gone for a whole bunch of sessions now, I thought. Nope, my mistake, they came back last year. OH NO, EARMARKS!
3: 54:SPOILER, there are now more than five votes against McCarthy in this, the NINTH vote, so he is a loser again. (This is Evan, I am back from my personal trainer, he is mean and makes me work out really hard just because I pay him to do that #TYRANT.)
Lauren Boebert nominated Kevin Hern, because nominating a different Kevin is their new thing, and they never really loved their one Black friend Byron Donalds, it was just like Cori Bush said.
Also, amazingly, these batfuck Republicans are even going on MSNBC to do interviews today. Weird how it is not "MSDNC" when they are all whoring for attention.
Finally, AWWWW, FRIENDS!
“Santos now sitting with Greene”
— Acyn (@Acyn) 1672951800
3: 59: Here is also an LOL.
“You, a fool: A single tweet can’t possibly encapsulate the insane shitshow that is today’s right. Me:”
— Matthew Gertz (@Matthew Gertz) 1672951313
How about find six Republicans to vote for Hakeem Jeffries as speaker and we'll just take the power since obviously the Republican Party can't be trusted with it?
“Don Bacon on Fox News floats the idea of forgetting about the 20 anti-McCarthy House Republicans and negotiating with Democrats to elect a House Speaker”
— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1672947906
4: 31: MCCARTHY 4EVA!
“Dan Crenshaw rages to Fox News about the GOP holdouts before saying he's not budging from McCarthy even though he thinks he can't get to 218 anytime soon. "We’re sticking with McCarthy. He will get there... We will stick with McCarthy forever. But we're gonna make that happen."”
— Justin Baragona (@Justin Baragona) 1672954110
4: 47: IT'S OFFICIAL! YAY! HAKEEM JEFFRIES GETS MOST VOTES AGAIN!
Anyway, Kevin McCarthy is a loser again, officially.
4: 49:Hahahahahahahahaha they are going for a fourth vote today, 10th loser vote total.
5: 18: SPOILER,Kevin McCarthy has already (unofficially) lost vote number 10.
5: 25:Oh, that's fun!
“Here’s another issue complicating matters and what could push speaker fight into next week: At least four Republican members have to leave town Friday because of some serious family issues they have to attend to, per source”
— Manu Raju (@Manu Raju) 1672956667
REFUSE TO ADJOURN, EVER!
We'll get Hakeem Jeffries elected yet.
5: 43:Judge Boxwine talkin' shiiiiit about Lauren Boebert.
“Jeanine: Lauren Boebert, with all due respect, the woman barely won her race… this is an embarrassment.. They’re egomaniacs who have got no answers and they ought to just be quiet and just go along with the majority”
— Acyn (@Acyn) 1672957740
6: 02:OK fuck it nobody knows how long the humliation will continue. Stay here and watch if you'd like!
We are leaving this liveblog though. You should donate us money and subscribe, because Wonkette needs your donations to keep the dick jokes running on time, and we ain't got no George Soros bucks.
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