Kristi Noem Might Lose DHS Boy Toy Corey Lewandowski, Oh No!

Leaks from DHS indicate the White House would love to be rid of him.

Is frying-pan-faced Trump goon Corey Lewandowski banging America’s dog-murdering sociopathic Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem, and thereby banging himself right out of a job?

Probably! We don’t know, the rumors about those two diddling each other have been around since at least 2021, when Noem was still the governor of South Dakota and Lewandowski was still being accused of shit like bragging about the size of his dick to donors’ wives at conventions and yanking female reporters’ arms so hard that they filed assault charges against him.

When Noem took over as Secretary of DHS early this year, she brought Lewandowski along as her de facto chief of staff. She wanted him to be her permanent chief of staff, but Trump himself supposedly nixed the idea on the grounds that the optics of two rumored romantic partners working together like that would look bad.

Yeah, yeah, we know, since when does Donald Trump care about optics? Nonetheless, that was the reporting at the time.

Lewandowski instead was appointed as a Special Government Official (SGE), which allowed him to work unpaid for the government for a maximum of 130 days. (This was the same status Elon Musk held.) He has basically been doing the chief of staff job, which for him seems to mostly involve traveling all over the world with Noem on her many adventures — riding horses in Argentina, sneering and posing in front of a giant cell full of tattooed inmates in El Salvador, touring the concentration camp the administration built in the Everglades — without the title, and with a ticking clock hanging over his head.

Kristi Noem And The Horseback Adultery Death Camp Vacation

Now along comes Axios to report that White House officials’ “concerns” about Lewandowski’s relationship with Noem are keeping him from landing chief of staff or any other permanent position at DHS. So, Lewandowski is finding ways to game the system by under-reporting the number of days he has worked, putting off hitting that magical 130-day cutoff as long as possible.

Daily Mail Got Police Report About Corey Lewandowski, And It Is NASTY

As of this writing, Lewandowski’s official number of days worked is 69. (Nice.) He has allegedly kept that number this low with workarounds such as entering buildings in large groups with other people so he doesn’t have to swipe his own security badge, and not using his government email and phone for official business. Which, last we checked, was a no-no that could get someone's presidential campaign tanked through a bullshit public allegation from the FBI Director.

No one is likely surprised by these grasping efforts. Lewandowski has been hanging around TrumpWorld for years, lingering and resisting attempts to get rid of him like herpes with a particularly strong resistance to Valtrex. Still, it has White House officials upset enough to supposedly start closely monitoring the time he spends at work.

Lewandowski has been allegedly “wielding outsized influence” at DHS, which is code for saying that he’s been throwing his weight around and alienating anyone who comes within a hundred yards of his weird, square head. So it would make sense for a few of his enemies to anonymously leak some hot gossip like this to Axios if they are desperate enough. Rumors yr Wonkette has heard are that no one in the administration wants to work with the guy at all because he’s such a huge piece of trash, so this would be one way to try and get rid of him.

It could also be a shot across the bow, warning Lewandowski and maybe Noem that there is more that could be made public if he doesn’t get the fuck out already. But like we said, you’re not getting rid of herpes that easily.

Kristi Noem Did Not Do Things And If You Say She Did Things You Are A Disgusting Liar​

The Lewandowski mess is not the only Noem-related grotesqueness that popped up recently. On Friday, an anonymous official leaked to The Washington Post that the DHS Secretary recently moved into a “spacious waterfront residence at Joint Base Anacostia-Bolling” that is usually reserved for the Coast Guard commandant. Unfortunately, the Coast Guard doesn’t have a commandant right now because the Trump administration fired the last one for the crime of being a woman in a high-level military job. So, the space was available.

Now Noem gets to live in the commandant’s old digs rent-free, which is ironic considering that lately the guys who make “South Park” have been living in hers.

What occasioned the move? Let’s let insane DHS Press Secretary Tricia McLaughlin tell us:

McLaughlin defended Noem’s living arrangement in an email to The Washington Post, saying it was necessary because the secretary had been “so horribly doxxed and targeted that she is no longer able to safely live in her own apartment.”

She added that it was “sad” for a Post reporter to “suggest a rancher should have to pay a second rent because of a reporter’s irresponsible decisions to dox where she lives.”

Oh gosh, is Kristi Noem afraid someone could suddenly barge into her house with the intention of dragging her off somewhere that her family can’t find her? What a terrible burden that must be to live with.

McLaughlin also said that “even a reporter” should understand the need for heightened security for Noem, considering she has DHS pursuing “hundreds if not thousands of members of members of international cartels and terrorist organizations.” Which is a funny way to describe the thousands of people Noem’s department has been snatching off the street, considering that the vast majority of them have had no criminal record.

Also, as the Post notes, calling Noem a “rancher” is a bit disingenuous. She makes over $200,000 a year as DHS Secretary, and Forbes estimated her net worth at around $5 million, thanks largely to real estate and the insurance company her husband owns. But sure, she’s just a smol, hard-working, salt-of-the-earth rancher bean.

When will Noem be able to return to her rented apartment in the Navy Yard where, it is rumored, Lewandowski lives across the street? Possibly never, since it’s likely he can more easily slip in and out of her current residence without any civilians spotting him.

Not to worry about all this, though. The Daily Beast reported on Friday that the government is going to blow $50 million on PR that it thinks will help her reputation:

A planning forecast record posted this week by the Department for Homeland Security (DHS) pledges $20 million to $50 million as an “International Campaign Follow-on” to the “Stronger Border, Stronger America” ads that have starred Noem.

DHS denied the money is being spent to help Noem. But Trump wanted her to film those ads originally to make her the public face of the deportation effort. And considering this administration’s track record of making videos and memes celebrating its inhumane kidnapping regime, it seems likely someone in the White House thinks putting her in front of the cameras again will help her.

Good luck, White House spin doctors, because that ship has long since sailed.

[Axios / WaPo / Daily Beast]

Wonkette is a reader-supported publication and also kind to animals, unlike the DHS Secretary.