Kristi Noem Taken To Gravel Pit By … [CHECKS NOTES] … Newsmax And Fox Business?
When the following things happen, you are doing it wrong.
Puppy murderess Kristi Noem cannot stop herself. She is apparently so dense that she thinks if she just keeps telling this story about “Once Upon A Time There Was A Cute Puppy Named Cricket BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!” that people of all political stripes will finally understand and admit that she is the kind of fighter they need, one willing to make hard choices, and stop second-guessing which of God’s cuddly creatures she aims her guns at.
She also still can’t get her story straight on whether she met Kim Jong-un or not, even though she enthusastically wrote about it in her book and said she was ready for him because she had taught Sunday school to puppy-aged children, who she called “little tyrants.”
And that is why Noem, a garbage-ass MAGA human, is getting her ass handed to her on Newsmax — Newsmax! — which is a pretty sure sign that she’s doing life completely incorrectly. Then she’s going to see Stuart Varney on Fox Business and dramatically go off on him because he insists on harping on her puppy killing sprees, like some kind of woke asshole.
Gentle readers, savor these news clips, for they are the funniest fucking thing you will ever see.
We’ll start with the Newsmax clip, which comes from Aaron Rupar. (Both of them do, actually.) Newsmax host Rob Finnerty really gives Noem a Meet-The-Pressin’, which is not a thing we ever thought we’d type about Newsmax host Rob Finnerty.
Finnerty says a real problem is politicians who lie to people. Noem agrees, you betcha. Then Finnerty says:
FINNERTY: Governor, if you asked me a month ago, who’s at the top of the list to run with Donald Trump, I would’ve said your name. If you asked me that same question this morning, I don’t even think you’re on the list.
NOEM: Really? And why is that?
FINNERTY: Yes, really, and it’s because of things that’ve come out in this book, like your claims that you’ve met Kim Jong-un …
NOEM: I’ve been to the DMZ. I’ve been to the DMZ.
Oh my God.
Finnerty read Noem’s passage about “staring down little tyrants” — at Sunday school — and said “That never happened, did it?”
Noem insisted that when she “became aware of the content” — of the book she wrote, for which she recorded the audiobook — she had it changed. She didn’t catch it when she was making it up or reading it aloud, though, unfortunately, sadface.
Noem said she shouldn’t have “put that anecdote in the book.” Finnerty responded, “But anecdote indicates that it happened, right?”
Noem said she shouldn’t have to answer these questions — did she meet Kim Jong-un, or did she just go to a local Asian restaurant in South Dakota, whereupon she shat upon her seat when she saw the man behind the counter? — because average Americans are more upset about “border.” Also Joe Biden lies.
Newsmax, people! This happened on Newsmax! Kristi Noem just set her dick on fire and ate it over and over and over again, on Newsmax.
And this second clip of Noem yelling at Stuart Varney because he was being mean to her, it happened on Fox Business.
Varney kept asking, if Noem wrote this book today, would she write about the dog murder? She would not answer. Instead she blabbed about one million other things, angrily told Varney he really should read her book, and said people are attacking her because they are “scared of me.” (Especially if they are covered in fur, we bet!)
And then this happened:
Varney was asking what Donald Trump thinks about Noem’s puppy murder stories. She was so furious he was even asking.
VARNEY: Did he bring up the dog? […]
NOEM: Enough, Stuart! This interview is ridiculous, what you are doing right now. So you need to stop. It is. It is. Let’s talk about some real topics that Americans care about.
VARNEY: I’m afraid we’re out of time.
NOEM: Oh, well of course we are.
We are going to injure ourselves laughing, this is so funny.
Can’t wait to see where Noem crashes and burns next, while trying to sell her shitty book nobody is actually going to read. This is the best TV right-wing media has ever produced.
MORE PLZ.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
If you're shopping on Amazon anyway, this portal gives us a small commission.
>> FINNERTY: Yes, really, and it’s because of things that’ve come out in this book, like your claims that you’ve met Kim Jong-un …
NOEM: I’ve been to the DMZ. I’ve been to the DMZ. <<
Man, I would kill to have the next line in that transcript be:
"FINNERTY: Well, come on now. I've been to Wembley Stadium, it doesn't mean that I had drinks with Freddie Mercury."
So they do have bottom....
Serial sexual abuser, fine.
Puppy killer, fuck no.
Good to know.