Kristi Noem's Leaving (A Bag Of D*cks) On A Jet Plane
OK, we don't know for sure what was in the bag, but it was dicks.
There’s a new twist in the tale of Kristi ‘n’ Corey and the Coast Guard pilot whom Lewandowski fired over not fetching Noem’s special Homeland Security Blanket when they changed planes. (And then had to un-fire when they realized, at their destination, that there was no other pilot to fly them back.) You might think that was all plenty insane enough, but like the Rorschach blotches on the backs of Donald Trump’s hands, gross new details keep emerging.
After the story was first broken by the Wall Street Journal (gift link), we soon learned from NBC News more of what happened after Noem’s leased $70 million 737 MAX luxo-jet was grounded by mechanical problems, forcing her and Corey to take a smaller and far less beautiful Coast Guard executive transport. Once the replacement plane was at cruising altitude, the Special Blanket was discovered missing, and Lewandowski started yelling at Coast Guard flight staff and threatening that he would have them all fired.
The pilot came out of the cockpit to find out why the VIP passenger was having a tantrum, and Lewandowski demanded he turn that plane right around and go back to retrieve the Special Blanket from the temporarily stricken flying (alleged) love nest. The pilot said no can do, and Lewandowski informed him that he was Hereby Relieved of His Duties, effective immediately, good day sir! When the pilot informed Lewlew that meant he’d have to land right away so another pilot could be flown in, Lewandowski relented. So that was fun.
Then yesterday, another dildo dropped, or maybe it was a shoe, we may never find out. The Daily Mail reported (archive link) that, according to “three DHS insiders,” the Special Homeland Security Blanket wasn’t the McGuffin in this mystery at all! Rather, it was Noem’s bag, or at least its contents, which not even the insiders would identify, if they even knew themselves.
We’re just going with the completely safe assumption that it was crammed to the gills with dicks, because we are Wonkette, and that just makes the most sense to us. Dildo bag, bag of dicks, vibroduffle, whatever you want to call it. We can’t say we have any evidence; let’s just say the vibes seem right.
According to one of the insiders who dished to the tabloid, “This was never about a blanket. The blanket was a cover story for what really happened. The whole thing was really about the bag that was left.”
The blanket was only a cover. Yes, yes, it’s all coming together now, this whole patchwork of facts. Or dicks.
Whatever was in the bag (dicks/dildos/those hilarious weirdass Bad Dragon sex toys), we’re told that Lewandowski “discovered that at least two people were aware of the contents of his alleged paramour's bag and that this could be embarrassing,” which led the Mail to speculate maybe that had something to do with promotions/rewards for at least two people in the time since the trip, which the Mail says took place in the spring of 2025. We think that too is a new detail, but we could be wrong.
Seems that, not long after being fired and then rehired by Lewandowski (someone should really check to see if he has the authority to do that at all), the Coast Guard pilot, Keith Thomas, got a new assignment as “DHS senior advisor.” A cursory search didn’t find any details on his actual duties, mostly just turning up stories based on the Daily Mail piece.
Noem’s military aide on the flight, Kamryn Jones, was given a prestigious “Legion of Merit” award by Noem in September. On Facebook, Noem said, without going into any further detail, “I am so proud of the patriots who serve our country and the DHS mission, including Lieutenant Commander Kamryn Jones of the U.S. Coast Guard.”
Also, we found that in June, Jones was picked to narrate a “This week at DHS” video too. She seems personable enough, and we sure hope she got the award for doing good aide-ing, not as a reminder to stay mum.
Thomas declined to comment when the Mail contacted him; the story says he took the job in August, and sources said he was “given a leadership role for a newly created air division serving DHS headquarters,” possibly something involving blanket and dildo-bag management. A DHS source also told the Mail Thomas “resigned in late January, shortly before Lewandowski's meltdown became widely reported.” We hope he finds work with better bosses.
There’s not much more about the Mysterious Dildo Bag of Mystery in the story, although the Mail does remind us that this isn’t the first time that “Noem” and “bag” have been in the news, because last year her purse got stoled from a fancy DC restaurant, along with her federal ID, credit cards, and $3000 cash she happened to be carrying around, presumably in case Tom Homan ran short of cash in his own bag. Two people were arrested shortly after that, though neither was charged with trafficking dildos.
Or maybe we’re way off here, and Wonkette’s Gary Legum got it right with his guess that the bag contained a human head. We love a good M. Night Shyamalan reference as much as anyone, but we just don’t think that’s something Lewandowski and Noem would have demanded to go back and get, unless of course it were necessary for a summoning ritual. But we bet they’d be OK with just having it shipped later.
Our money remains on dicks. They’ve always come through for this blog before.
[Daily Mail (archive link) / NBC News / Daily Beast (Yahoo reprint) / NPR]
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Also, for your parasocial reading pleasure, this almost-100% verbatim dialogue from Wonkette's Sekrit Chat Cave:
rebecca: "We can’t say we have any evidence; let’s just say the vibes seem right."
oh dok you scamp
doktorzoom: I'm a regular Mark Russell terrier.
It's kind of like the series finale of M*A*S*H: "Oh my god! ... It wasn't a chicken! It was a BAG OF DICKS!"