Larry Hogan Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places
Can anybody love a 'Republican moderate'?
Seems it’s been a lousy week for Maryland Republican US Senate hopeful Larry Hogan, and we are here for it. He went to his first-ever Pride parade in Annapolis and got booed, heckled, and had “MY BODY MY CHOICE” screamed at him (and also got plenty of hugs, TBF). He Twaddered about his love for Ronald Reagan, who has been dead for 20 years. And he urged everyone to “respect the verdict” before Trump got served those 34 felony guilties, a message that could also have been directed at ANTIFA had the verdict gone the other way, but put him in the crossed butthairs of the Trump campaign.
Was it Paul Simon who said something about not being able to please everybody? This week Larry can’t even get a come-on from the horse on Seventh Avenue.
When we last checked in with that warm lump of cottage cheese, he’d had a revelation that his firmly held anti-abortion beliefs of 68 years had been wrong all along, actually! Jesus came down just in time for campaign season and touched his heart, and was all like “fuck them fetuses, it’s time to score you a win, Larry!” So Larry supports codifying Roe v. Wade and identifies as pro-choice now, you betcha!
LAST WE CHECKED IN!
That stance would seem to be at odds with his devotion to the corpse of Ronald Reagan, which he literally voted for in 2020. Posted Larry on June 5,
Today marks the 20th anniversary of Ronald Reagan’s passing.
President Reagan understood the simple truth that successful politics is about addition and multiplication, not subtraction and division. He won two landslide elections and changed the course of history by growing the tent and persuading. The principles he fought for—and the decency he led with—remain desperately needed.
What decency and principles might those be? For you youngsters who have never dialed a rotary phone, don’t know the words to “Disco Duck” and don’t remember his presidency that ended 35 years ago, Reagan supplied weapons to America’ enemies, slashed funding for school lunches and made ketchup a vegetable, took America from a creditor nation to a debtor one … if we listed all of the shitty things Reagan did to fuck this country, we would be here all day. But just on the issues of choice and gay rights (as they were called back then), Reagan was the original asshole, the first presidential candidate to seize on abortion and non-heterosexiness as culture-war issues. He championed a constitutional “right to life” amendment and made a “fetal personhood” declaration. He called gay people “abominations” and pushed the refrain that they want some kind of “special rights.”
Quoth that asshole: “[The gay movement] isn't just asking for civil rights; it's asking for recognition and acceptance of an alternative lifestyle which I do not believe society can condone, nor can I.”
His administration ignored the existence of AIDS, then openly laughed about it.
Gay people organizing against Reagan’s “drop dead” policies is how we got the very first coming out day. Suffice to say, Larry cannot both support the “principles” of Reagan and be pro-choice or claim to support gay rights with his straight face. And Larry had eight years to performatively shake hands at a Pride parade, festoon his bush with rainbow lights, or sign one single LGBTQ+ friendly bill. He did not, though Maryland passed them anyway, without him.
But Larry’s still not right-wingy enough for Trumpistan. Strategist Chris LaCivita got inflamed as a retirement-home hemorrhoid on chili night at Larry’s appeal to respect the rule of law before the Trump verdict came back, though it could have just as easily been directed at imaginary ANTIFAS:
Tweeted Larry: “Regardless of the result, I urge all Americans to respect the verdict and the legal process. At this dangerously divided moment in our history, all leaders—regardless of party—must not pour fuel on the fire with more toxic partisanship. We must reaffirm what has made this nation great: the rule of law.”
This got 25,000 responses from the blue-checked throng: “NO.” “Shut up” “Rigged.” “Get bent, Commie!” “No justice, no peace!”
“Every Maryland Republican should withhold their vote in the Senate race so Larry Hogan can go back to his full time career of whining on CNN.”
Hear, hear.
Roger Stone’s one step ahead of you guys. He’s been chugging the Larry Haterade since last month, Tweeting “Former Maryland Governor Larry Hogan is indisputably surrounded by pedophiles. Is Hogan a pedo himself?” and linked to a rundown on the right-wing blog Slingshot News of the Republican pedophiles and weirdos who’ve crossed Larry’s orbit, which is kind of like blaming a pig for rolling in slop. There is no evidence Larry is attracted to anyone or anything but Yumi Hogan, but no lies detected that some unsavory characters were buzzing around his sty.
Larry’s also skipping the GOP convention, and who could blame him. But don’t think for a minute he wouldn’t caucus with them if he got his rump in that seat.
“We don’t want to alienate Trump voters,” Hogan told the Associated Press in April. “We need Trump voters. And we need a lot of Biden voters. Maryland is tough.” LOL, good luck!
Hogan is running against Democrat Angela Alsobrooks, a former county executive of Prince George’s County, a pleasant Black lady with all the lefty bonafides. There’ve been no polls of a two-way matchup since MD’s May 14 primary, but none of this will help old Larry out, we’re thinking.
Thank you, Ms. Jones. Dead Reagan doesn’t get kicked nearly as much as he should.
OT and I'm sorry. I'm starting to slip back from my normal cheerful self--and I AM cheerful. But I do get these little things where my head's saying "they're all laughing at you. You are SO STUPID. Why did you think you could have what you wanted? You are a LOSER. Everyone knows. You failed like you always do. FUCK YOU for being a disappointment to all the fools who ever loved you."
I just had to say that so it's said and then go endure a few more hours of work.