Lauren Boebert Scores Trump Endorsement, Fancy Profile In WaPo 'Style' Section

Quite a week for a really fun person.

That thrumming sound you heard on Sunday morning was Katherine Graham spinning in her grave as the Washington Post published a sympathetic portrait of one Rep. Lauren Opal Boebert, filed under “power” in the “Style” section. Because that is where we are as a culture right now.

It was quite the rollercoaster week for everyone’s favorite gun-totin’ QAnonin’ vapin’ gropin’ granny. Tuesday her son Tyler was arrested for five felony counts and 15 misdemeanors after breaking into cars on a wallet-stealing spree, while wearing his mom’s “Shooter’s Grill” sweatshirt. Highlights included stealing a cancer patient’s last $75, and charging gas, egg sandwiches and $717 at Shein.

Junior was eventually identified with the help of an underage girl he had allegedly shared nudes of, and whose friend Tyler tried to run over with a truck, per the indictment. (Lucky for him no “good guy with a gun” happened by.)

Saturday, Donald Trump endorsed Boebert in her race for the 4th district in Colorado — you know, her new district — which sums up the state of the GOP at the moment. 

As it turns out, Boebert is easy to be sympathetic to, if you’re an irredeemably bleeding-heart-liberal type. Her backstory is pretty damn dark. Her mother Shawna Bentz had her at the age of 18 in Altamonte Springs, Florida, and still doesn’t know who Lauren’s father is even after a DNA test, which points to some extremely grim conceptual circumstances. Or some Jesusy ones! “Bentz remembers telling her daughter. ‘Jesus is the only father you need.’” Which also happens to be the plot of Stephen King’s “Carrie.”

Later Bentz dragged toddler Lauren across the country to Rifle, Colorado, chasing after some no-good abusive man, where they lived off of welfare:

Cheese distribution lines are not a thing, and how toddler Lauren was supposed to empower herself out of poverty, who knows, but okay.

At 16, Lauren got a no-good abusive groomer of her very own, 22-year-old Jayson, and married him, even after he was charged with flashing his wang at some kids in a bowling alley, and at 18 she got pregnant and dropped out of high school. Highlights of that include Jayson getting police called on him for drunkenly rampaging up his street and running over a neighbor’s mailbox, shoving Tyler and coming after him with a rifle, and being either the slapper or slappee in a fight with Lauren in a restaurant. She left him and got a restraining order, and still recently had to miss a campaign event because Jayson called her to tell her he threw her stuff “in the bottom of a pond.” After she took him from unemployment to a $478,000 job at an energy company in her district, too. Come on, admit it, you do feel a little bad for her. That is some bullshit.

She claims she moved districts to get away from Jayson (though her own district is a six hours’ drive wide), and also because God told her to:

“I’m not dumb. I knew all the attacks that would come my way. But I talked to God, I asked ‘How do I address this? Will this be perceived that I’m not fighting?’ And God said, ‘Do you have more faith in your ability to fight or my ability to open a door?’” 

All that, and still, she’s what Matt Gaetz refers to as “fun”! And Matt Gaetz would know!

“Some folks out on the trail, even when they run for president, don’t quite have half the sparkle Lauren does,” Matt gushed. Is that a new slang term for something? We can’t keep up.

What else did we learn from this profile?

She refers to grabbing that dude’s tacklebox at Beetlejuice as “dancing in her seat.” As in, “People were freaking out about me dancing in the seat at ‘Beetlejuice,’ well, they should see me in church.”

We find out that as a teenager Boebert was horribly bullied, but listened to Eminem, and eventually earned the respect of her peers by participating in rap battles after school. Mmhmm.

It was once again confirmed that she is catty as shit, calling opponent Ted Harvey a “grifter,” and meowing about Mike Lynch, the former State House Minority Leader who stepped down over a 2022 drunk driving arrest, “I hope he’s not in the clink.” 

And she antagonizes Marjorie Taylor Greene:

“You’ve been nothing but a little b---- to me,” Greene snapped at Boebert on the House floor, according to reporting by the Daily Beast. “And you copied my articles of impeachment after I asked you to co-sponsor them!”

Stop trying to make me like her!

“Lauren has went [sic] through a lot in the past year,” sniffed Greene to the Post in a statement. “She faces many challenges ahead, like how to get people vote [sic] for her in the new district.”

Well, there’s that. Conservative voters love how she’s a hypocritical moral scold who wants to abolish the Department of Education and tell everybody else how to raise their own kids, even though she, her husband and her son have been arrested multiple times. But even her supporters are starting to wonder what she’s done for them lately, other than allowing themselves to feel classy in comparison.

“I think she’s a great representative of my values, but is she a great representative of the district?” wondered one would-be supporter.

Guess it depends on what you think a representative is supposed to be doing all day, sir! Calling Muslim co-workers “the Jihad squad”? “Seat dancing”? Disrespecting the performers of the greatest musical since The Book Of Mormon? As long as the standard isn’t legislative achievements!

If there’s one thing we’ve learned about Republican voters, though, Trump has made them immune to drama fatigue. They like what he tells them to like.

Or do they? Boebert was most recently polling in fifth place in her new district, so guess we’ll soon find out if that ol’ rapist fraudster still has the magic touch.

[Washington Post]

Marcie is now on BlueSky!