Louisiana Lege To Decide If Teens Really Need To Eat At Work

Good idea, teaching them to hate capitalism at a young age.

“Oi, guv’nur! Want an echinacea boost in yer smoothie, wut wut?”

We have read about America’s Lochner era, when the Supreme Court spent a couple of decades striking down every market and labor regulation it could get its soft and uncalloused fingers on. But did we honestly think we would ever be living through its revival? No. But then, we also never thought we’d be living through the pre-Roe era, the Republicans aligning with a Russian leader era, the “Let’s try fascism again, what could possibly go wrong” era, the “elect a game show host president? Ha ha, what do you think this is, a Mike Judge movie” era, the designated hitters in the National League era, and Lord knows what other eras are not popping to the front of our poor overwhelmed minds right now.

And yet here we are, with Republican state legislatures all over the place relaxing workplace regulations so that Mr. Monopoly can employ a ten-year-old chimney sweep at his country estate. The latest is Louisiana, where this week a House committee passed a bill that would remove a requirement that employers give teenage workers lunch breaks. The bill now goes to the House floor for further debate.

Because if there is one thing teens hate, it is eating:

First-term state Rep. Roger Wilder, R-Denham Springs, who sponsored the child labor measure and owns Smoothie King franchises across the Deep South, said he filed the bill in part because children want to work without having to take lunch breaks.

Children want to do a lot of things. They want to jump off of roofs, land on their feet, and then beat up bad guys like a tiny Batman. Sometimes they do need an adult to say Timmy, you need to eat something or Timmy, you need to get some sleep, or Timmy, get off that fucking roof before I climb up there and break your neck myself.

He questioned why Louisiana has the requirement while other states where he owns Smoothie King locations, such as Mississippi, don't have them, and criticized people who have questioned the bill's purpose.

“The wording is ‘We’re here to harm children.’ Give me a break," he said. "These are young adults.”

Number one, a Southerner who wants to be able to exploit teenagers so they can man his Smoothie King franchises is a Coen Brothers character if ever we heard of one. All he needs is to change his name to Link McWaterbottom or something.

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Number two, Mississippi has the highest rate of childhood poverty in the nation, which we understand probably appeals to Wilder because it means there are a lot of desperate kids he can exploit, but which we think is a bad thing that should not be solved by making teenagers work eight-hour shifts without a break blending Veggie Apple Kiwi Kale smoothies for rich New Orleans debutantes fresh out of their favorite hatha yoga class. We would strongly disagree with this even if we owned Smoothie King franchises we desperately need to staff.

Seriously, watch this clip from More Perfect Union’s twitter, it is awesome.

“Every business I’ve spoken to offers all team members a break. They’re just forced to ask their minor team members to sit down for a full 30 minutes, don’t do anything because the law says so.”

What teenager can’t spend 30 minutes doing nothing? Every teenager we know would happily spend that 30 minutes doing nothing, or at a minimum drinking a smoothie while frantically texting on their phones. Their brains aren’t fully formed yet, that’s why adults sometimes have to take responsibility.

“When I think of a 16- and 17-year-old, I think of a young adult. I believe that our young adults can make decisions without a babysitter.”

Also, would it shock you to learn that Roger Wilder opposes abortion to the tune of a 100 percent rating from Louisiana Right to Life? We can treat teenagers as adults when it involves them deciding to be exploitable labor for capital, but we can’t treat them as capable of deciding whether they want to bear children or not when they might make a choice we disagree with!

Wilder said his businesses will continue to offer meal breaks to minors, as he believes they would quit otherwise. He argued that the free market will ensure workers are treated fairly.

See, Wilder’s a fair boss, it’s all those other unscrupulous businessmen out there you gotta watch out for. But in an ideal world Louisiana teens must be pregnant and working long shifts mixing Dude Perfect smoothies without a lunch break. Not barefoot though, there probably is a health department regulation against that, and it is probably next on Roger Wilder’s hit list.

[NOLA / Louisiana Illuminator]

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