Mad Vlad's Got Exploding Dildos For Trump's Peace Plan
We're all getting forever war for Christmas!
Well, uh oh. Sounds like Russia’s brand of hybrid warfare has come to Western Europe more aggressively than anyone has been quite aware of, following revelations of sometimes hair-narrowly foiled Russian plots. Ones like derailing crowded trains in Poland and burning down shopping centers! Burning down a German arms factory! Embedding sleeper agents in Europe! Also severing undersea cables to Finland, bombing or disabling the GPS of civil jets, and trying to poison Finnish water supplies. And Russian hackers have targeted American water systems, food processing facilities, and government networks too. And reportedly directed planting bombs on planes headed to the US! Oh Putin, you scamp!
And then there’s all the usual cyber-attacks. Between March 2022 and June 2025, Russian hackers launched more than 1,500 attacks on government agencies, financial institutions, railways and ports in Ukraine and NATO countries including Estonia, Finland, Lithuania, Norway, Poland, and Sweden. And don’t forget all the trollbots on social media, working day and night to sow chaos on all sides and push Russia’s narrative wherever eyeballs may gather.
And Russian spies have been seen surveying bridges and mapping railways in Europe too, surely to no good end. Stir together the chai and the tea leaves read like Russia is already at war with Western Europe, one that’s heating up, like it or not.
Some particularly freaky incidents:
In April, European and British authorities uncovered a plot to bomb or set fire to military bases in Germany, and attempts to hack and disrupt Europe’s railway signal network and jam the GPS systems for civil aviation, including the plane of European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen. That doesn’t sound safe!
In July 2024, a Russian spy and accomplices planted exploding electric sex toys on cargo and passenger aircraft flying to the US and Canada, which ignited in Leipzig, Germany, and Birmingham, England. Targeting US-bound passengers and cargo, that is quite an escalation! (Russia denied it.)
Just last month a bomb was placed on the tracks of the crowded Polish Warsaw-Lublin railway line; the operator fortunately managed an emergency stop, preventing mass casualties.
Poland, Ireland, France, Finland, and Belgium have all reported suspected Russian drone incursions around airports and military facilities, and suspicious drones were spotted recently hovering in wait for Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s plane in Dublin Bay.
Putin has never hesitated to send spies after his enemies wherever they may roam. Defenestration, fake suicides, and Novichok are his calling cards. Remember the case of the poisoned perfume in the park?
And any kind of hostilities are leverage to Putin. The only kind of leverage he has! There will never be a ceasefire in Ukraine, because Putin has no plans to stop firing. And Putin is not going to stop until he gets back together all of the former Sovyetsky Sotsialisticky Respubliks, and maybe then some, who knows. If Zelenskyy disappeared and was replaced with a Russian puppet tomorrow, the fight would still not be over, because the Ukrainian people do not intend to surrender, and it is never going to stop with just Ukraine. Even if Zelenskyy signed the Jared Kushner / Steve Witkoff plan for surrender, which he clearly does not intend to do. Bur Putin likes to keep all options open!
And peace is not simply based on groovy love, we regret to inform you. Especially not in this case. Ironically, peace has to start based on the peace-wanting party having a big enough stick to keep peace. And first you have to win! If you want to beat Baba Yaga and start telling her what to do, first you must shackle her chicken legs!
But Trump has put down the Tomahawks, as his actions and Russia-coddling National Security manifesto to leave NATO on its own make so clear that Russia has praised it, while laughing off Steve and Jared’s “peace plan” because it lacks all of the rest of Ukraine.
But still Trump is pressing Zelenskyy to respond to the“peace proposal” by Christmas. Which proposal, Jared Kushner’s / Witkoff’s that Russia just rejected? A different one? Trump does not say, yet was bitching on Sunday that Zelenskyy had not read it. His people love it though, Trump says.
Has any man ever been more full of crap?
And Defense Department officials have already said that while the US is still shipping weapons to Ukraine now, just in time for Christmas, say thank you, starting in 2027 it will no longer remain NATO’s “primary conventional defense provider” at all.
It’s been embarrassingly obvious that Trump has no more pull to convince Putin to sit down with Zelenskyy and make a ceasefire deal than Ursula von der Leyen does. Which is to say, null. Not even if Trump lets him get away with laundering all the rubles. Sooo …. why the fuck does the US think it can dictate any plan to Ukraine or Europe? If you’re going to get out, then get out and let NATO handle its business, damn!
But Trump is also a man who likes to keep all of his options open. Especially if they might involve some company greasy son Don Junior has invested in getting to extract Ukraine’s rare earth minerals some day. If pesky Europe and Canada weren’t involved, Senior and Vlad would have already carved the place up like a Christmas goose.
Why would Putin ever ceasefire? With the leader of the free world as his lapdog, for some reason (WHAT IS IN THOSE EPSTEIN FILES?!) he is already winning beyond his wildest dreams. The alliances between the US and Europe and the US and Ukraine broken up, he is consequence-free to grab Europe like a pageant contestant in a Trump Taj Mahal dressing room.
Putin is not going to stop his incursions into the West until somebody nukes Moscow into the stone age. Which means said somebody also possibly gets themselves nuked into the stone age too. Not happening. So here we are, and now instead of Cold War, we have microwaved chai with sneaky hot spots, and a few grains of poison.
But so much for Russia just being Europe’s problem! It is until it isn’t, and Putin thinks Trump isn’t trying hard enough and starts going after American planes and water supplies to send a message.
Squealing VLADIMIR STOP! sure isn’t cutting it! At least we have Pete Hegseth, Sean Duffy and that kook in a cult with the hair to keep us safe, right?
[WSJ gift link / Financial Times archive link / BBC archive link]
Thank you for being Wonkette’s friend! We have no paywall ever, and no ads, because we’re brought to you by people like you! The button below will let you donate one time or monthly, in any amount of your choosing.
OT but notable: AP: “Since Abrego Garcia’s return from wrongful detention in El Salvador, he has been re-detained, again without lawful authority,” the judge wrote. “For this reason, the Court will GRANT Abrego Garcia’s Petition for immediate release from ICE custody.”
https://apnews.com/article/abrego-garcia-el-salvador-deportation-31160936c51932f74b717eb1143edd55
OT:
"BREAKING: Survivors of Jeffrey Epstein's sex crimes and a group of Democratic members of Congress are asking for an independent review of the Epstein case files to determine whether any of the records have been "tampered" with or concealed, ahead of the release of those files by next week."
https://bsky.app/profile/krassenstein.bsky.social/post/3m7pitxlbkk2o