Markwayne Mullin Gonna Be DHS's Daddy, Pop Some Butt!
Round up some murder coverup probably too, ayup.
Welp, last night the Senate voted to confirm their colleague Markwayne Mullin of Oklahoma as top cowboy hat and belt buckle of the Department of Homeland Security, with a vote of 54-45 and Sen. John Fetterman, D-turncoat PA and also the single decisive vote to get Mullin out of committee, plus Sen. Martin Heinrich, D-Roswell NM Mystery Spot, both supporting him. Rand Paul of Kentucky, his bones still all wonky from the beatdown years ago at the fists of his psycho neighbor that Mullin had once cheered, stood his ground on no.
The cackling and springy-boinging noises you hear are Kristi Noem and Corey Lewandowski humping off into the sunset with their bags of kickback dollars and dicks, leaving behind corpses, maybe stains on the sex plane upholstery, and $220 million worth of horsey-ride videos that some intern probably shot with their iPhone.
Now Markwayne Mullin’s hammering up his horseshoe over the door of that fumigated plane! Reckon he’s as good as any other unqualified dipshit Trump would pick, which is to say, not. All the MAGA trimmings: a fake-elector supporting election-denying traitor who cowered as Capitol Police defended his life and shot Ashli Babbitt.
Guy without much book-learnin’, a two-year degree in Construction who’d likely still be installing toilets for his family plumbing concern were it not for the Republican Party and conservative-radio airwaves giving his Oklahoma-everyman House Talk views on life and plumbing a platform that he ball-floated into a career of politicking.
His one core value has never changed, said former classmate Troy Littledeer. It is that Markwayne Mullin will say whatever lie happens to be expedient for Markwayne Mullin! Also ps., he is barely literate.
Mullin was the same then as he is now. He believed he was right. Not that you were wrong. That distinction matters. A person who thinks you are wrong is engaging with you. A person who simply believes he is right has already moved past you. He was already talking before you finished. He was already certain before the facts arrived. That is not confidence. That is a habit. And habits do not require thought. That is exactly what makes them dangerous.
I have watched this man operate for years from a place I know better than he knows it himself, which is saying something because he grew up here too. I have watched him claim the Trail of Tears as his family’s story and then edit that claim out of his own website when someone asked a follow-up question. The Cherokee Phoenix reported the discrepancy in November 2018. The language disappeared. No correction was issued. He said the original wording was imprecise. He did not provide his ancestors’ names when asked.
I have watched him insert legislative language targeting the United Keetoowah Band of Cherokee Indians [...] he publicly claimed as his own, into a federal appropriations bill that nobody was supposed to find. [...] The man who sent the language to the federal government needed the federal government’s own lawyers to explain it.
The whole thing is well worth a read.
Unapologetic brutality, that is another value of his and a must for anyone to be Trump and Stephen Miller’s lackey and chief violence-cover-upper. He’ll challenge the president of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters to a slugfest, right there on the Senate floor! He’ll cheer Rand Paul getting sent to the hospital! And best believe he was quick and loud right away hollering so Daddy Trump could hear him how Alex Pretti, who was murdered with 10 bullets in five seconds to the back, deserved it for being “deranged.” And while he later conceded maybe he shouldnta said that, he still refused to apologize to Pretti’s family. Trump lives for that hateful shit.
Also apparently Trump doesn’t mind either whatever gross, demented horrors were going on in his family home. Like Markwayne gleefully beating his children because he’s too mutton-stupid and frustrated to outsmart them and figure out how to change the Wifi password or whatever.
That old spare the rod, spoil the child, Many Christians Say that disciple translates from Hebrew/Latin more like student, and the rod is more like a shepherd’s crook. So, like, guide and teach your children as students is what Jesus would do, not beat the shit out of them with a stick and get their haunches all tough and stringy so it takes half a sundial to turn them into stew. That’s the Bible! Its many translations have a way of showing modern readers what they wish to see. And what Markwayne Mullin wished to see, apparently, was himself bent over and beating his daughter’s naked ass.
And UM RED FLAG when child abusers use cutesy euphemisms for assault that would put them in jail if they did it to a fellow adult. Pop her butt! Smack her tail! How much Biblical fun the family must have had together!
It all sounds so much more wholesome than “I’m a sadistic pervert with an incest kink and get off on finding an excuse to make my daughter take off her clothes” or “my children are so pug-stupid they can’t follow simple instructions like ‘don’t run out in the road’ unless I strip and torture ‘em like prisoners at Abu Ghraib.”
Just kidding, we all know whatever super-secret trainin’ Markwayne got that he couldn’t even tell his fellow senators about where he smelled all them smelly smells of war didn’t involve learnin’ how to sound out the words Abu Ghraib.
Anyhoo, guess we’ll be looking at this guy’s durrhut-adoikey face for a while. Maybe he’s at least too stupid to have a whole grift processing-plant running like Lewdanoemski did? Or maybe that varmint is dumb like a pack rat! When he first got elected to the House in 2012, his income was $92,000 (though he claimed it was an even-more-humbler $50k). Now he and his wife are multimillionaires! He’s just lucky with investing, we guess, like Forrest Gump.
At least with DHS shut down he’s got time to take one of his new private planes for a get-to-know-you vacation? Not that Noem would have skipped one anyway, just call it a work trip, silly! That is, if he and his pilots can survive his TSA and FAA’s lack of air traffic controllers, safety inspectors, and lawyers who make sure the pilot isn’t drunk. But Kristi and Corey say the beaches in Argentina are nice, and don’t miss the trail rides!
[Northern Public Radio / The Ada News / Politico / Fortune archive link]
A plumber in charge of National Security...Nixon mumbles in his grave...
Pop my butt, bust my butt.
I'm reminded of my non-native-English-speaking spouse who, while reading an Ed McBain mystery, turned to me with a puzzled expression and asked, "What does 'I flicked my butt into the night' mean?"
Of course McBain meant a cigarette butt. However, that phrase has now become a standard feature of our couple's lexicon. When one of us is going out for the evening we'll often say, "Okay-bye. I'm going to flick my butt into the night."