Markwayne Mullin Knows The 'Smell Of War,' It Is Just Like A Drain With Poop In It!
Markwayne Mullin is a plumber.
You know how Donald Trump is pretty sure he had his own personal Vietnam experience, even though he was nursing a real bitch of a case of bone spurs at the time, because he managed to get through the 1980s (allegedly) without contracting syphilis on his dick? Lots of stolen valor among Republican men, lots of living vicariously through other Republican men, lots of guys rubbing themselves raw to fantasies that they are real tuff guys.
It’s presumably how Pete Hegseth steps into the role of Defense secretary each day, even though he’s a low-level nobody with a mediocre military record whose expertise begins and ends with which Bedhead hair pastes and putties are best for maintaining perfect Army regulation hairstyles.
Basically they all just fake it, lie to themselves and pretend they’re somebody they’re most certainly not.
So here is Oklahoma GOP Senator Markwayne Mullin — basically the love child of Rick Moranis’s character in Spaceballs and a redneck chipmunk with a meth problem, a man who is locked in a death match with Tommy Tuberville, Ron Johnson, and Marsha Blackburn for who gets to claim the title of Senate’s Stupidest Republican — babbling some absolute shit about what WAR is like.
“When the president came out and he talked to the American people, he was very resolved and direct on what we could expect. War is ugly. It smells bad. And if anybody has ever been there and been able to smell the war that’s happening around you, and taste it, and feel it in your nostrils, and hear it, it’s something that you’ll never forget. And it’s ugly. And fortunately you have President Hegseth — err, I said President Hegseth, Secretary Hegseth — that is got a great relationship with President Trump and President Hegseth’s been there. He’s done that.”
Markwayne Mullin knows war is ugly and stinky and you can feel it in your nostrils. It’s just like when you are unclogging a drain and you find a bunch of poop. Pee-yew.
Markwayne Mullin is a plumber, is our point.
He never served in the military. He didn’t build his plumbing business either, he got that handed to him by Daddy.
But that doesn’t mean Markwayne Mullin doesn’t personally understand what war smells like! (Probably much like when somebody shits in a urinal?) Or even if he doesn’t understand it personally, he can just take comfort that President he means Secretary he means Daddy Pete Hegseth will snake this drain for him!
(See what we mean about how they’re always living vicariously through what they perceive as each other’s manhoods? It’s extremely fucking gay.)
Let’s briefly review how much of a little bitch Markwayne Mullin is, though. Despite his utter lack of anything resembling a familiarity with the smell of war, he did once almost get into a fight with a union leader during a televised congressional hearing, because that guy looked at him funny. So looking like Yosemite Sam without his guns — but still like a methed-up chipmunk — he started like he was gonna COME ON DOWN ‘DERE TEACH THAT BOY A LESSON, WAIT ‘TIL YOUR PAW PAW GETS HOME, YEE HAW!
He’s extremely afraid of cities, because all white Republican men are.
Markwayne Mullin is the man who tweeted this, another one of his “I am trying to somehow get inside Pete Hegseth’s boner” episodes, which is funnier every time we have occasion to remember it:
We’d say Hegseth just isn’t that into Mullin, but we don’t know, maybe he’s got a shot.
People are also noting that in 2021, Mullin beep-beeped in his Roto-Rooter truck over to Afghanistan to attempt to rescue some people from the Taliban, it didn’t go great for him.
Members of Congress who served in the military are sharing their feelings with Mullin, many of which involve explaining that real grown-up military stuff is not actually like Call Of Duty.
Democratic Rep. Pat Ryan:
VoteVets is clowning on him, also with a Call Of Duty joke:
People are showing pictures of him hiding on January 6.
And then Charlotte Clymer, who did serve, responded to Mullin like this:
Why yes, he needs to shut his fucking mouth.
We’re going to see more of this, obviously.
The MAGA civil war over Iran is indeed widening, but the really stupid ones like this with severe daddy issues and Little Man Syndrome? The ones who really need to live vicariously through other men? Oh boy, they just took their Trump Viagra, they’re lining up to do shots of Whiskey Pete, and they’re ready for the hottest four fucking hours of their entire lives.
Hide your tubesocks, hide your Vaseline, etc.
Here’s some more of how stupid Markwayne Mullin has already managed to be about Iran, it’s kind of amazing:
Not the guy you want unclogging your pipes.
OPEN THREAD.
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Even though he's a plumber who's never been in combat, Markwayne Mullin is just like a traumatized soldier with a thousand-yard stare.
He’s seen some shit, man.
I got a notice from the Red Cross saying my donated blood had been used to help a patient in Akron.
That feels pretty fucking good.
We need to do things to make ourselves feel good now more than ever.
I went roller skating this evening and I am really getting it, what a friend calls the "flow state", I actually had tears in my eyes (I cry about EVERYTHING) as it felt smooth and less like a struggle. I have been working so hard to strengthen my legs and overcome fucked up knees, it is starting to pay off.
Find something to help keep you sane through all this, we need you.