Maybe The Real 'Reopening The Strait Of Hormuz' Is The Friends We're Making Along The Way

The Sunday shows sucked on Easter, like all the other Sundays.

There are many reasons people celebrate Easter. While some do it for deeply religious reasons, we celebrate our annual gorging/hoarding of Cadbury Creme Eggs before they are taken away by the cruel universe for a whole year.

But on this Easter Sunday, we got a new possible future holiday hallmark:

The day that Donald Trump threatened the beginning of the end.

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Trump Tentatively Schedules Apocalypse For Tuesday. Maybe He'll Forget?

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Let’s check in with the Sunday shows!

Helpful War Tips!

CNN State Of The Union host Jake Tapper read the apocalyptic proclamation:

TAPPER: He has just threatened Iran in extraordinary graphic terms, giving the Iranian regime just over a day to either make a deal, reopen the Strait of Hormuz, or face hell.

If your children are watching, be warned, the president did not use polite language — quote — “Tuesday will be power plant day and bridge day all wrapped up in one in Iran. There will be nothing like it. Open the fuckin’ strait, you crazy bastards, or you will be living in hell. Just watch.”

Tapper did remind his viewers that it would be considered a war crime under international criminal law to destroy civilian power infrastructure, only to then preemptively create a justification for the Trump regime’s possible future war crimes.

TAPPER: Though the president could argue that the infrastructure has dual use and also is utilized by Iran's military.

Well, isn’t that helpful, Jake Tapper! Yes, Trump could argue that!

Somehow we still don’t see Tapper rushing off to write a book about Trump’s mental decline or anything.

Stammering To War

We move on over to ABC’s This Week with host George Stephanopoulos, who interviewed Ohio Republican congressman and former House Intelligence Committee chair Mike Turner.

When Stephanopoulos asked about the possibility of putting boots on the ground in Iran, Turner had a bit of trouble.

“Enjoy,” and we’ll put the transcript below:

STEPHANOPOULOS: [W]e’re seeing with the Straits of Hormuz closed, American gas prices going up, oil spiking around the world. The president suggested that the Straits of Hormuz could open naturally. Is that realistic or is it going to take ground troops?

TURNER: Well, George, in any conflict, the certainly, you know, Iran is going to have some things that they’re going to be able to do during the conflict. But if you don’t undertake the conflict, if you just step back and watch as the Obama administration was going to do while Iran became a nuclear power and they became North Korea, we wouldn’t be looking at the Strait of Hormuz. We’d be looking at what’s, you know, host — you know, having Europe be at risk. You’d have the United States being at risk. You’d have all of our allies. And ultimately the continental United States at risk from Iran and the whole world being held hostage by a terrorist state. In this as they — as they, in their last throes, you know, begin to do whatever they have left as a state militarily, they still are being significantly diminished and their ability to be able to be, marching toward a nuclear state is being eliminated.

No, but will this be on the quiz?

That … was … a lot of yammering for not a lot said. Apparently, we weren’t the only ones to notice, as Stephanopoulos followed up:

STEPHANOPOULOS: Right. But what I asked you about was the Straits of Hormuz. The Straits of Hormuz are still closed to most traffic right now. Can it be reopened without American ground troops?

What followed was another stammering mess of an answer, but we’ll spare you that one. (You’re welcome, Wonkers!)

Stephanopoulos, either out of mercy for or frustration with Turner, tried to summarize what Turner said:

STEPHANOPOULOS: So, I guess, are you saying that, as long as the nuclear capability is diminished, it doesn’t matter whether we open up the Straits of Hormuz?

Turner, either incapable or unwilling to give a simple answer, went on another nervous and barely cohesive rant that we’ll share in full. (Sorry, Wonkers!)

TURNER: No, the Straits of Hormuz — the Straits are going to be open. And it’s — and it certainly is important to occur. But you can’t say, well, as long as the Straits are open, we don’t — we can let them continue to be a power that marches toward being a nuclear power that continues to develop missile technology that can threaten the United States and threaten Europe and continue to perfect long range missile technology. You have to be able to address this, you know, great sponsor of terrorism, this — the global power ambition that Iran has. And as you do so, you know that they’re — that the conflict will have them both attack our allies, attack the United States, attack Israel, and, of course, attack the Straits. But this will be a diminishing regime as they’re — as they’re doing so.

This is truly what it felt like watching this in real time.

Stephanopoulos, either out of journalistic determination or due to a sexual kink we don’t know about, tried one final time to get a straight answer:

STEPHANOPOULOS: Will it take ground troops or not to open up the Straits?

TURNER: I don’t believe so. I think that certainly that this is going to be, again, a diminishing regime as it on — you know, is ongoing.

STEPHANOPOULOS: Congressman, thanks for your time this morning.

TURNER: Thank you.

Jesus Fucking Risen Christ on an Easter Sunday!

As NFL Network host Rich Eisen pointed out on his socials, “Very rarely have I seen a stammer to flop sweat ratio grow throughout a video quite like this. With some word salad mixer working overtime.”

We couldn’t summarize it better, so we’ll end on that note.

Have a week.

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