Mean Judges Take Away Old Taco Bitch’s Loser Tariffs
Every reporter should ask him about tacos today.
Let’s cut to the late-breaking lede: A three-judge panel from the US Court of International Trade ruled that Donald Trump cannot have his idiot tariffs, no not any of them that he levied under the alleged authority of the 1977 International Emergency Economic Powers Act, he does not have this power. The judges — one of whom was a Trump nominee, another was Reagan — ruled that Trump simply cannot snap his fingers and declare it an “emergency” in order to use laws like the International Emergency Economic Powers Act. Yet another judge telling us that no, it is not an “emergency” when Stephen Miller has a bowel movement that lasts more than four hours and it makes him want to fuck up some non-white people.
White House spokesperson Kush Desai said that trade deficits amount to a national emergency “that has decimated American communities, left our workers behind, and weakened our defense industrial base — facts that the court did not dispute.”
OK, Kush Desai, what did Wonkette just say about how it’s not an “emergency” just because Trump woke up on the “Hitler speeches” side of the bed? The plaintiffs said it too, and the judges agreed:
The plaintiffs argued that the emergency powers law does not authorize the use of tariffs, and even if it did, the trade deficit is not an emergency because the U.S. has run a trade deficit with the rest of the world for 49 consecutive years.
So that happened. Trump is of course appealing, and it will probably go to the Supreme Court. But this is a huge and humiliating loss for Trump. If he was any less of a loser, he might take his two dolls and go the fuck home. Alas, he has chosen to stay and fight, like a dipshit.
Anyhow, Dow Futures for today’s trading day are saying “Wheeeeeee!” because Wall Street is absolutely jizzing itself at the notion that very soon, Trump might not be able to destroy the world economy just because his feelings are hurt or he doesn’t understand how worldwide commerce works and Peter Navarro tells him the only way to fix it is to put a 150 percent tariff on literally everybody and crash the global markets all over again.
Oh happy day!
What’s even funnier is what happened fewer than 24 hours ago in the Oval Office, when a hysterically public humiliation for President Thin Skin occurred, one that renders this court ruling simply the humiliating cherry on top. This is why we’ll forevermore be making “taco” jokes about that dumb loser son of a bitch.
What happened is that a reporter asked Trump a hilarious question, and he LOST. IT.
You see, Wall Street apparently has gotten so used to the shambolic jackass way Trump has applied his tariffs, they’ve come up with a name for it, and that name is “TACO.” It stands for “Trump Always Chickens Out.” They call them “TACO trades,” trades that happen in that sweet spot after Trump has had his loud thundering big bad bowel movement and announced a round of tariffs on Truth Social, and the moment a bit later when Trump chickens out on letting the tariffs take effect and WHEEEE! the markets go back up.
Because he always does chicken out. Because BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK fuckin’ pussy-ass bitch.
And Wall Street knows it. And they’re making money off it. Financial Times apparently came up with the term. And now everybody says it, because it’s such a good term, like “groceries.”
You’ll want to watch this video over and over again, so bookmark it.
Transcript because sweet God it’s worth it:
“Ohhhhh isn’t that nice, chicken out, I’ve never heard that, you mean because I reduced China from 145 percent that I set down to 100 and then down to another number and I said you have to open up your whole country and because I gave the European Union a 50 percent tax tariff and they called up and they said “please let’s meet right now, please let’s meet right now,” and I said OK I’ll give you ‘til ‘ju-nine’ [yes he said “ju-nine”], I actually asked them, I said what’s the date, because they weren’t willing to meet, and after I did what I did, they said we’ll meet any time you want, and we have an end date of July 9, you call that chickening out? Because we have 14 trillion dollars now invested, committed to investing, when Biden didn’t have practically anything, Biden, this country was dying, you know we have the hottest country in the world, I went to Saudi Arabia, the king told me, he said “you got the hottest,” we have the hottest country in the world right now, six months ago this country was stone cold dead, we had a dead country, we had a country people didn’t think it was gonna survive, and you ask a nasty question like that, uhhhh, it’s called negotiation, you set a number, and if you go down, you know if I set a number, a ridiculous high number, and I go down a little bit, you know, a little bit, they want me to hold that number, 145 percent tariff, even I said man! That really got up, you know how it got? Because of fentanyl and many other things and you add it up, I said where are we now? We’re at 145 percent, I said “woo, that’s high, that’s high.” They were doing no business whatsoever, and they were having a lot of problems, and we were very nice to China, I don’t know if they’re gonna be nice to us, but we were very nice to China, and in many ways I think we really helped China tremendously, because you know they were having great difficulty because we were basically going cold turkey with China, we were doing no business because of the tariff, because it was so high, but I knew that, but don’t ever say what you said, that’s a nasty question …”
Taco! Burrito! What’s comin’ out of your Speedo? It’s tariffs! They’re going the fuck away! But not before every trader on Wall Street makes fun of them.
To respond to this in order: 1) Yes, all the things he described at the beginning, that’s some chickening out chickenshit fuckin’ loser shit; 2) Saudi Arabia’s king did not fucking tell him we have the “hottest country,” Trump masturbated that fantasy into existence, and even if the king had, all he meant was that it’s really great to be able to bribe Trump so easily, maybe because he was watching Qatar get in Trump’s pants with promises of used planes that had been sitting on Facebook Marketplace for years; 3) Six months ago the stock market was just about the highest it’s ever been, before Trump grabbed it by the pussy and fucked it. We were still riding high on the dream economy Joe Biden handed Trump, like for instance the one TRILLION invested in advanced manufacturing by both governmental and private investors, which in Trump’s world is “dead” because he is stupid and also a liar.
But most importantly, number 4): THIS, reporters. THIS is how you fuck that loser the fuck up. You have a fucking backbone, and you go for it. You ask him to explain in elementary terms something that he clearly does not understand. You ask him to define words you know he just learned to sound out that morning.
YOU ASK HIM IF HE LIKES BEIN’ OLD PRESIDENT TACO BITCH.
He does not like it, it makes him mad when you ask that, and Donald Trump has approximately 50 percent less power today than he had yesterday. Also millions more AI memes of Trump with tacos on his head, or Trump’s head inside tacos, and so forth.
Have a nice trading day, Wall Street! Take everybody out for tacos if you make some money for everybody’s 401Ks! Name the tacos after the president!
Wheeeeee!
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Jesus Christ, can he just fucking die already?
"Mean Judges Take Away Old Taco Bitch’s Loser Tariffs"
'Bout damn time, too.
BONUS: Stinky's screed today should be EPIC!!1!