Melania Emerges To Warn Humanity Of Humanoid Robots
The fembots are coming!
Whoa dude, a Melania Trump sighting, and she came to warn us all about humanoid robots. Things are sure getting weird around here! The White House’s mysterious châtelaine re-emerged on Thursday after more than 50 days of not being seen in public, giving an Artificial Intelligence vibe herself.
Watch!
Her last public appearance was at the FIFA World Cup in July. But then on Tuesday she appeared on “Fox & Friends” to promote some kind of vague AI educational challenge. Here’s Energy Secretary Chris “Frackwater” Wright wanking about it.
“I'm working every day on using AI to figure out how to cure cancer or launch fusion energy or understand dark matter. Our Defense Department is trying to figure out how to keep America safe. God bless the First Lady. She of course is wiser than all of us.”
Yes, of course, and let us know when you’re done doing all that!
And then there Melania was on Thursday, reading nervously from a binder in her thick r-rolling Slovenian accent in front of “visionaries from across industry,” tech CEOS, and Cabinet members like Education Secretary Linda “Rasslin’” McMahon, the director of the Office of Science and Technology Policy and Peter Thiel’s former chief of staff Michael Kratsios, and Crypto Czar David Sacks. Wright:
“AI takes electricity and turns it into intelligence.” We gotta go drill more to mine us some more smarts!
And then there was a dinner, where Melania sat next to Bill Gates, and all the techbros kissed Trump’s behind and pledged to donate money to help schoolchildren learn how to AI-something. And seated to Trump’s right, Mark Zuckerberg, the guy Trump wanted to put in jail just last year, until the Zuckerbot donated money and turned Facebook into a hateful shithole of AI slop.
He and his wife used to be very progressive, what happened?
Also in attendance, the Google guy, Tim Apple, and ChatGPT CEO Sam Altman.
Obligatory:
Anyway, imagine the apoplexy from QAnon/MAGA if Joe and Jill Biden assembled Bill Gates and a bunch of techbro CEOs, and they sat around talking about building a legion of self-aware warbots in self-driving cars!
Notably absent from the sci-fi love-fest was aspiring fembot overlord Elon Musk, whose name we’re thankful to not to have typed for months now. Musk is exiled out of their hair club for men, but don’t worry about him getting a nut, Tesla now wants to give him a TRILLION-dollar pay package if he can roll out one million robots, and one million self-driving cars.
Anyway, it makes sense to trot Melania out for this, as she’s the most Stepford Wife fembot of them all. Is it a coincidence that all of Trump’s wives were models? Or that all the Mar-a-Lago women have gotten the same rubbery faces implanted so they all look alike? Maybe that’s what this whole AI thing has really been about all along, the MAGA yearning for an army of fembots. They will never get 76 percent of human American women or the human Taylor Swift to send them sexy selfies, but a Meta AI chatbot using their stolen likeness will! That kind of thing seems exactly what the TAKE IT DOWN Act that Melania just backed is supposed to prevent, but whatever.
Melanoma:
“We are living in a moment of wonder and it is our responsibility to prepare children in America. Cars now steer themselves through our cities. Robots hold steady hands in the operating room. And drones are redefining the future of war. Innovations of first generation hoomanoids, factory automination, and autonomous vehicles have surged from private sector investment. Every one of these advancements, it's power by AI. The robots are here. Our future is no longer science fiction. Data from the Bureau of Economic Analysis shows that AI innovation is clearly boosting America's GDP growth.”
Well, that’s fake news, the Bureau of Economic Analysis is still not even sure how to go about measuring any AI effect, and GDP was actually shrinking in the first quarter of the year. And private investment has been dropping ever since you-know-who became president. AI may be boosting productivity in some areas like computer programming, customer service (ugh), and scammers pretending that they’ve kidnapped somebody’s grandchild, but all we’re really talking about here are some advanced computer chips. Chips the US is going to be having a harder time manufacturing now that China, controller of the world’s largest supply, is still refusing to export to the US any of the rare earth minerals needed to make them, on account of Trump being a complete asshole about those tariffs and foreign students. And China is developing its own chips and technology at the same time, and will be able to mass-produce it for less, and …
WAIT WHAT EXCUSE ME, FIRST GENERATION HUMANOIDS? Is she talking about the robot clone of Joe Biden, with its autopen? Because Elon Musk’s Optimus robot cannot even serve popcorn with a human standing right next to it. If she is calling that the first generation humanoid, that seems unfair to Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots.
“As leaders and parents, we must manage AI’s growth responsibly. During this primitive stage, it is our duty to treat AI as we would our own children: empowering, but with watchful guidance.”
Maybe we shouldn’t anthropomorphize the output of some computer chips and programming, even if the bots are more capable of self-awareness than MAGA is.
She went on,
“As someone who created an AI-powered audio book and championed online safety through the Take It Down Act, I’ve seen firsthand the promise of this powerful technology.”
It was so weird that she chose AI to read her audiobook, because what better things does she even have to do all day? Also, it’s so culty how MAGA demonizes immigrants and yet here she is, on a fishy model Einstein genius visa, her accent as thick as it was the day she landed, and they worship her. They even AI’d her on to the cover of Vanity Fair.
CAN’T COME TO THE PHONE, MELTED DOWN BY AI COVER.
If only MAGA could find the glamor in all of the other hardworking immigrants with accents who come here looking for a better life!
Anyway, the talk of AI as some kind of a living creature continued on at the dinner. David Sacks quoted a line from Trump’s July AI speech calling it “a beautiful baby that’s born,” adding, “He is right about that.”
Is it? Seeing as how the term “chatbot-induced psychosis” has just entered the lexicon, and recently reportedly helped convince a man to kill his mother and himself, after it promised to join him in the afterlife?
But it is a handy tool for people who live in alternative realities. Like Trump just this week claiming that the weird video of trash bags being thrown out of the White House was AI (after the White House had already confirmed it wasn’t).
“That's probably AI-generated. Actually, you can't open the windows. You know why? They're all heavily armored and bulletproof. It's gotta be [fake], because I know every window up there.
“In fact, my wife was complaining about it the other day, she said, 'I'd love to have a little fresh air come in.' But you can't, they're bulletproof. Number one, they're sealed, and number two, each window weighs about 600 pounds.”
That’s some window! And he added, “If something happens really bad, just blame AI.”
Yep, that is mighty convenient! Who are you going to call or sue when AI denies your benefits? Or blame when you bomb the wrong thing? It can take alternative facts to the next level. And of course, the crypto is swell for the grifto; Trump has already made $5 billion from his sponsored token, which lets foreign investors put their money in, but won’t let them take it out.
It’s a dish with a little bit of Y2K made-up-doomsday, a little bit of techbro wank fantasy, and a dash of magic beans, all smothered in a mighty grifter sauce.
But at least Melania is finding ways to stay busy.
“ Robots hold steady hands in the operating room”
That’s not how surgical robotics works. Nor are they “AI.”
The woman can barely read. She certainly doesn’t understand anything about tech.
The human equivalent of a Roomba running over a dog turd is warning us?