Mike Pence Wins Courage Award, We Guess

Slow clap.

There are many, many things we will never forgive Trump for, and making us slow clap for Mike Pence is somewhere down on that list. But, he did save democracy that one time, praying while Karen read him the Bible on the Capitol loading dock, refusing to leave “Senate President Pro Tempore” Chuck Grassley, Ron Johnson, Jim Troupis, Kenny Chesebro et al. to do their filthy coup, while above a mob was raging, gas canisters exploding, cops were getting beaten and and Putschy Poppy was sipping his Diet Coke, watching TV and punching out a Tweet blaming him for everything.

For that, on Sunday, Caroline Kennedy and John Bouvier Kennedy Schlossberg, JFK and Jackie’s only living grandson, gave him the John F. Kennedy Profile in Courage Award, because the Democrats are always the (only) ones holding out a branch.

But yes, Pence put “his life and career on the line to ensure the constitutional transfer of presidential power on Jan. 6, 2021,” and hung up the phone when the devil (aka John Eastman) came demon-dialing for one more relatively minor violation. And Pence even travelled to deep-blue Taxachusetts to accept his award in the shape of a lantern, and Karen shimmered in a body-conscious and sparkly number, while at the very same time, Old Treasonballs was over on NBC telling Kristen Welker that he still “doesn’t know” if it’s his job to uphold the Constitution or not, even though that was right there in the oath he took twice, with his hand on a Bible that somehow did not burst into flames.

Pence still earned the title of hero, even though Dan Quayle and Mike Junior had to convince him to do his duty, even though Pence was distraught at doing something that might hurt Donald Trump, whom he believed, delusionally, was his friend.

“Not feeling like I should attend electoral count,” Pence wrote in his notes in late December. “Too many questions, too many doubts, too hurtful to my friend. Therefore I'm not going to participate in certification of election.”

Then, sitting across the table from his son, a Marine, while on vacation in Colorado, his son said to him, “Dad, you took the same oath I took” — it was “an oath to support and defend the Constitution,” Pence recalled to Smith’s investigators, sources said.

That’s when Pence decided he would be at the Capitol on Jan. 6 after all, according to the sources.

Good job, Mike Junior! Imagine thinking Donald Trump is your friend! Even after he screamed at you repeatedly over the phone that you’re a pussy and a wimp. And even after Trump’s mob tried to have him hanged, Pence reportedly still considered Trump a friend, and chatted often with him on the phone. Does the man have no other friends besides his wife? Please, somebody, find him a real friend! Karen, take him to the man park!

It’s easy to dump on Mike Pence. He’s a goody-goody try-hard dork and hardcore evangelical, and such an extreme anti-abortion zealot that he would like to ban mifepristone, and even force women to carry dead fetuses. He refuses to dine alone with a woman, presumably because he’s so nonstop ragingly horny he can’t trust himself not to make a sin. He stood by Trump’s side quietly while he lied 30,000+ times, which we don’t think Jesus would like, and believes in trickle-down economics, which is another kind of lying. And the Capitol Police who engaged in hand-to-hand combat with that sorry group of QAnon loons, real estate agents, and chuds in wraparound sunglasses are for sure more worthy of awards and a nice dinner.

And, in the end, four years later we got stuck with That Asshole anyway. But at least we got a four-year break? It’s a low bar when somebody gets an award just for doing their job that they promised to do, but that’s where we’re at these days, the limbo in hell.

Look at all of the traitors who condemned the violence on January 6, and then backtracked: Karoline Leavitt called Pence a “hero” then deleted her Tweet; Elise Stefanik condemned the violence and called January 6 a tragic day, then pretended like she never said that and went full election-denial crazy. Ted Cruz called it a “violent terrorist attack,” then later claimed he “misspoke.” Nancy Mace called the violence “heartbreaking” and lamented the day after, “everything that he’s worked for ... all of that — his entire legacy — was wiped out yesterday.” But today’s Republican voters either have the memory of goldfish and/or they saw the violence and they liked it. Whatever the case, it wasn’t a dealbreaker! That poop on the walls and a gallows for Pence is better than having a lady president who laughs.

What would have happened if that crowd DID lynch Mike Pence? Or Mike Pence went along with the whole scheme to not certify the election, or had gotten into that mysterious waiting car on January 6, 2021, to take him to wherever, instead of staying on the loading dock with Karen reading the Bible? He should get some kind of credit, right? And one Donald Trump sure does owe him an apology!

Ha, ha. Trivia question, Trump has publicly apologized once in his life, what was it for? Answer at end!

Anyway, Mike Pence still seems to talk about Trump like he’s a friend. He wrote a fawning editorial in the Wall Street Journal last week, in which he repeated Trump’s lie that there was some kind of “crisis at the border,” and heaped on praise for his “energetic and effective start.” You know who also had an energetic and effective start? Those guys who built the gallows! We have pictures of their faces, and somehow still do not know who they were.

And after all that, here Pence is, still singing Trump’s praises, though he would like it if Trump could be a little harder on Russia and Iran, and he sure hopes the millionaires and billionaires get their tax cut so it can trickle. Pence didn’t endorse Trump, but he didn’t endorse Harris either. Is that courage? Conservatives will sure put up with a whole lot if they think that the end result will be punishing immigrants and loose women!

Trump’s got new best friends now, ones willing to bust heads for him, including former leader of the Proud Boys Enrique Tarrio, who traveled to Mar-a-Lago with his Cuban-immigrant mother to effusively thank Trump for pardoning him and 1,600-ish other rioters. Gushed Tarrio on social media, “He knew how many times they moved me. And he said he is working on making things right. I thanked him for giving me life back. He replied with…I Love You guys.”

Has he even ever said that to his kids?

Naturally Xitter got real triggered by Mike Pence’s award, with 585 negative comments last time we looked. “TRADER!” “Pedophile!”

Welp, the felon in charge surely won’t make the same mistake again, having someone near him who might be tempted to respect their oath of office. We have to hope, pathetically, that when shit begins to hit the fan, maybe there will be one person in that heap of grifters, failures and scam artists who will have the courage to say no.

[Wall Street Journal gift link / NY Times archive link / ABC]

A: The pussy tape.

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