National Review Weirdo Gonna Teach Kids These Days About F*ckin'

This is not your father's Oldsmobile, because nobody is even fucking in it.

Hey, let's all read a weird National Review article together.

But first, let's meet our host. It is this white conservative weenus called Luther Ray Abel (also pictured above because we found his Instagram):

This is important information. That is a picture of a young man who looks like he is performing in today's Drag Queen Story Hour dressed up as his favorite character "Matt Walsh." However, the article really feels like it was written by an 85-year-old scrotal sack that has left its body.

The article is called "Parents to Blame for Carless, Sexless Teenagers." At no point does he explain what parents are doing wrong.

Now, as a writer in their early 40s, we will say anecdotally that we and our other middle-aged friends often make fun of Kids These Days for being weird nerds who don't seem to have near the interest in driving or boning that we did when we were their age and had to drive uphill both ways in the snow to bone.

But this is the National Review, and this is a white conservative man, therefore it's gonna get weird and icky real fast.

Strap in.

Luther writes:

Kids have never been more risk-averse , indicating a shift toward timidity; we should deny it a foothold on our shores.

"We should deny it a foothold on our shores." Why do conservative boys always write like they're important men whose letters will be read by generations to come?

Luther quotes a statistic about fewer Kids These Days driving, and writes:

Liberty (sex) and driving are intrinsically linked — backseat shenanigans are arguably how modern America was conceived. (It may be an amoral aside, but if we’re concerned with dropping birth rates , babies need to happen sooner than later. Statistically, teens who drive have sex at a remarkably higher rate than their pedestrian peers.)

Backseat shenanigans! Again, Luther is not 85. Of course, this being the National Review, and because we are aware of the current Christian fascist obsession with birth rates, you'll forgive us for assuming that the kind of "backseat shenanigans" he refers to are of the Caucasian kind. They're not worried about dropping birth rates in general . Tucker Carlson did entire segments about sperm counts in the western world . The article Luther links to is about birth rates in the "developed world."

These people are not worried the earth is suddenly going to empty out.

With the adoption of the automobile, high-school sweethearts became newlyweds as often from the aftermath of Buick-hosted baby-making as they did from religious observance.

"Buick-hosted baby-making."

But notice that the couples got married, at least until the Sexual Revolution — thanks, hippies.

Thanks, hippies. Ruining all the fun of fucking and being forced to get married at 17 to raise some dumbass baby.

Also, the automobile was a necessary component to creating private space suitable for necking.

"Necking." Again, Luther is not 85.

But yeah, kids these days don't even fuck in the Buick, go on:

Now, kids with reduced oversight can find sexual satisfaction in the privacy of a room in a house without parents.

And hopefully develop fewer back problems later in life, because they're banging on nice memory foam mattresses and not in the Buick?

There’s no work or development involved in accessing PornHub — all it takes is a cellphone and a locked door.

Oh, that's where this is going. PornHub. The Hunter Biden naked website Marjorie Taylor Greene just learned about. 

For a young man in 1950

Back in Luther's day!

sex happened after he underwent a campaign of responsibility: acquiring a car, wooing a young woman, and then working up the nerve to make a move. To make out, one had to make it.

And you had to save up the money from your after school job at the soda fountain to buy the car!

For girls, intimacy was a years-long project of guile and transforming into women to subtly convince young men to pursue and woo them.

Luther knows How Girl Intimacy Is Made. It's a years-long project of guile and transforming into women.

That's just how it is.

Hashtag sex.

Scroll up and look at that pic of him in the apron at the top again.

You back? Hey.

Masturbation has always existed,

On the first day, God said "Let there be light," and it was so everybody could see themselves whackin' it.

but it was taboo and hardly the equal of today’s virtual-reality-assisted self-destruction. 

In the olden days you had to whittle your sex toys by hand with extra pieces of driftwood and a pumice stone.

Cumming wasn't invented until 1957.

 Young women report higher levels of sexual violence from men, a likely result of brutal, debased fantasies derived from porn.

You will be shocked to learn Luther does not actually cite a source for that second part.

Driving and sex were a process

What?

an aspiration borne of observing seniors slobbering on each other in the parking lot as freshmen — learned behavior that our pubescent population hasn’t observed, instead sequestered in homes with unmetered access to mankind’s filth on a bottomless upward scroll.

Kids won't learn how to drool on each other if they've got their noses stuck in a porn.

Also, obviously, there has been a decline in teen sex — you'd think conservatives would be cool with that, but again, it's threatening their birth rates — but it's not like zero adolescents anywhere are banging. It's happening.

Relax, Luther.

More than that, learning to drive was a dream that originates in perceived need.

Wow, OK, so we're talking about driving now. And he's just babbling on and on and on. The TL;DR version of the next four paragraphs is that sometimes when Luther was a little kid he had to wait for his mom and dad to pick him up from places and that made him want to learn to drive and now he can drive, hooray.

But not kids these days:

Broken homes, physical overprotection, and a break in the American teenager’s development have all conspired to make kids poorer, emotionally and sexually confused, and helplessly reliant on the worst influences.

Literally that is the graf that comes after Luther's excitement over learning to drive.

Additionally, what memories will these teens enjoy? There’s no longterm happiness found in shuttered blinds and self-abuse.

Luther is incredibly worried about this.

Part of the fun of driving around one’s hometown as an adult is reminiscing about the places we drag-raced our hoopties, stole kisses on the lakeshore, and otherwise experienced the terrors and thrills of adolescence.

And he's 85 again, remembering drag-racing his hoopty and stealing kisses by the lakeshore and all the hot hard fucking outside the Tastee Freeze.

What kid will have a filial attachment to a hometown he’s never explored for himself?

And will the Bruce Springsteens of tomorrow just write songs about exploring their own butt?

For those interested in fostering local institutions, we need the city’s young to love her.

Luther is from Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

Maybe their local tourism bureau might want to use this article for some kind of ad campaign about Stop Spanking It For Sheboygan?

Somehow, unbelievably, this article is still going.

Luther bitches that Kids These Days are "'[t]old by the world to stay home lest they endanger their elders." Some kind of delayed reaction whine about the pandemic, we guess.

As he finally edges toward his climax, Luther writes:

A world of risk-takers have made this place home over the generations — we’re the people who launch rockets and laugh when they explode and invented deep-fried butter. There’s no other place that could produce a WhistlinDiesel or accommodate Elon Musk’s vision. Backwaters such as Europe can keep their safetyism and anachronistic transit technologies that stink of socialism.

Launching rockets exploding. Deep-fried butter. Elon Musk. Also for some reason yelling at trains.

Luther's right, kids. It's much hotter to stay off PornHub.

As go cars and young couples in their backseats, so goes America. C’mon, kids: Buy a car, fall in love, get married, have babies, and buy those babies a car.

Car, fuck, love, marriage, babies, more car.

Conservatives are fuckin' weird, man.

[ National Review ]

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