NEW LAW: If Hannity And Kilmeade Both Pants You The Same Week, You Have To Let Nikki Haley Beat You Up Again
Sorry, we don't make the rules, except that one.
Tell us if you think this is fair:
If you are a Republican presidential candidate and you go on Fox News and lose a foreign policy debate to Brian Kilmeade;
And if you then go on Fox News and are forced to eat your own dick by Sean Hannity, again, on foreign policy;
And this all happens in the same space of seven days that started with Nikki Haley stuffing you in a locker and stealing your lunch money and squirting you with a Super Soaker right on your blue jeans and then getting all the other kids to call you PEE-vek Rama-SWAMPY;
Then you have to go to Nikki Haley’s house and offer to let her beat the shit out of you a second time, just for fun.
Sorry, we don’t make the rules, just kidding, we made that rule.
Last night it was Sean Hannity’s turn to play pinball with Ramaswamy’s little libertarian tech bro brain. We’re not cheering, exactly, except inasmuch as all of these people are the enemy and we like to watch them fight.
And yeah, we definitely hate Ramaswamy more.
Let’s start with Russia and China, because that’s the fount from which all the idiocy has flown, from Haley to Kilmeade and now to Hannity. Haley explained to Ramaswamy during the Republican debate that letting Russia win is tantamount to letting China win, since those two are in bed, doin’ it. She noted that Ramaswamy “wants to hand Ukraine to Russia” and “to let China eat Taiwan.”
Kilmeade — the guy with resting “I just pooped here on this couch” face — literally laughed at Ramaswamy as he babbled about weakening Russia and China by giving them everything they want, and defending Taiwan right up until the second we have semiconductor independence, at which point fuck ‘em.
RAMASWAMY: I worry we are now driving Russia closer into China’s arms.
HANNITY: They’re already there!
RAMASWAMY: And the Russia-China alliance is the single greatest threat …
HANNITY: No. No.
RAMASWAMY: … that we face, and that’s what I worry about.
HANNITY: It’s already there. It’s Russia, China, and Iran, a new axis of evil has formed …
RAMASWAMY: Well, exactly …
HANNITY: And the question is …
RAMASWAMY: And I want to weaken it!
By letting them both win the “Showcase Showdown” at the end of “The Price Is Right”? You get Ukraine! You get Taiwan! And a new car!
Ramaswamy again explained his brilliant Taiwan idea: “We need to be clear that we will defend Taiwan! […] We have to defend Taiwan until we achieve semiconductor independence, at which point we resume our current posture of strategic ambiguity, which is exactly what the US adopts today.”
Got that? Ramaswamy is for Taiwan until he’s against them, which happens in 2028. Pencil it in, China! YA BURNT, CHINA!
Ramaswamy accused Hannity of “caricaturing” his position when Hannity explained it exactly that way, so he clarified:
RAMASWAMY: I am clear that we WILL defend Taiwan. I am the only politician in either party that has the courage to say it.
HANNITY: Beyond 2028.
RAMASWAMY: And then I would resume […] the current position of the United States, after we’ve achieved semiconductor independence!
Do you notice a certain m.o. here?
Say something batshit.
When somebody says “Hey why you say that batshit thing?” LOUDLY PROTEST that you did not say that batshit thing.
Restate your position, which is the exact batshit thing you said the first time.
Do this over and over again until even Fox News hosts and Nikki Haley start punching you in the dick for sport and Wonkette enjoys watching it.
That’s how last night was.
Hannity would say “Hey, do you stand by this idiot thing you said?” “I did not say that idiot thing.” “Here’s the quote.”
There’s been a whole row over noises Ramaswamy has made about ending preferential treatment for Israel. (How exactly our Israel policy should go is a subject for another blog post which we will write never.)
Hannity noted that Ramaswamy has said Israel should end by 2028 and that they should be integrated with their neighbors. “That’s false,” said Ramaswamy. Hannity: “I have the exact quote, you want me to read it?”
And Ramaswamy “clarified,” and it was pretty much exactly what Hannity said.
Hannity asked why Ramaswamy said Israel “should not have preferential treatment from us,” and added “That’s a direct quote.”
But no! Ramaswamy said. “Those are direct quotes from headlines summarized by opposition research fed to the fake news media.” Oh, we see.
Are the opposition researches summarizing him unfairly when they feed the fake news media? Because we found the exact quotes, and they’re really not functionally different. But sure, if this is fun for you.
Cool interview, dude. You managed to make us temporarily root for Sean Hannity for five minutes. Which Fox News host will have their moment of brilliance debating Ramaswamy next?
We hope it’s Judge Boxwine. That would be awesome, there would be Franzia fucking everywhere.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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Am I the only person to think that a reality TV show locking Ramaswamy in a studio apartment with Matt Schlapp with a single spring roll and a television where all the channels show nothing but Putin porn would be just genius-level television?
Vivek's been punched in the dick so many times this week that you'd think he was hanging out with Matt Schlapp