Yesterday, Axios ran the most adorable Playgirl “Man Of The Month” feature on Missouri Republican Senator Eric Schmitt. Full-frontal boner shots, everything Axios is known for. It said Schmitt was “drawing buzz” as a possible contender to be JD Vance’s veep in 2028.
Ooh, if true!
Knowing what we know now, 24 hours later, it’s enough to make you wonder if Axios was tipped off to what Schmitt was going to do in the Senate later that day, or more properly, what he thought he was going to do.
You see, what Schmitt thought he was going to do was set former Special Counsel Jack Smith up to commit perjury. Despite how they control the entirety of government, it appears to be one of the only plays these buffoons really have, to see if they can trick Democratic boogeymen into lying in front of Congress. It hasn’t worked or anything, of course, because they are halfwits.
But Schmitt was ready. He downed an entire box of Cialis (metaphorically!), he had an erection that astounded everyone on the Republican side of the Senate Judiciary Committee (in the literary sense!), and he was about to perform. On top of that, he had the receipts. He had caught wind of incontrovertible evidence that Jack Smith had done something. Did what now? That’s for Jack Smith to be forced into confessing on the stand, your honor! Or perjuring!
This is perhaps the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to anyone during a Senate hearing, ever. It didn’t happen to Jack Smith.
Be sure to watch all the way to the end, for Amy Klobuchar just cold clowning on Schmitt.
You see, Eric Schmitt, a babbling dumbfuck and an idiot Missouri hick who’s not ready for primetime, thought he had the receipts that Jack Smith had secretly gone to Atlanta to COLLUDE with Fulton County DA Fani Willis on their great big secret conspiracy to take down Donald Trump.
His grand theory hinged on a paper trail that proved Smith had gone to an Atlanta Hawks basketball game on a certain date, which would mean he had been in Atlanta, which would mean he was secretly doing collud-y canoodles with Fani Willis, which he would deny, which would cause him to do a perjury, and Eric Schmitt would be the one to catch him, and Eric Schmitt would be the star of the Senate, and the star of Washington, and the star of America, and Axios’s prophecy would be fulfilled!
Oh boy, Eric Schmitt is smart and can definitely do all things through Christ who strengthens him, just like those posters in his high school football coach’s office said!
Except for he had the sports team wrong, as well as the game and the city.
Here, have some transcript:
SCHMITT: Did you go to an NBA game between the Golden State Warriors and the Atlanta Hawks on February 3, 2024?
SMITH: What city would that be?
SCHMITT: Atlanta.
SMITH: No.
Got him! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, Eric Schmitt was close, he was about to have the on-camera orgasm that was going to win him the golden dildo at the porn awards, OMG!
SCHMITT: Let me just give you a little context. The day before Fani Willis came clean with her affair with the prosecutor — you know, the Atlanta prosecutor that was also trying to get Trump — the next day, were you in Atlanta?
SMITH: I do not believe so.
SCHMITT: What would you say if I had a series of text messages from your team that said you were in Atlanta at a Warriors-Hawks game on February 3, 2024 — the day after Willis and [Nathan] Wade announced their affair? [He had a poster board that his team flashed for one half of one second. He pointed at it.] I’ll give you a second to process it so you don’t, you know, perjure yourself. I think you’ve already perjured yourself.
He … had not.
As Smith was able to figure out, he had gone to a sports game around that time. In Maryland. Seeing Caitlin Clark’s University of Iowa Hawkeyes play against and beat the Maryland Terrapins.
That’s what this inbred dipshit from Missouri got himself so worked up over, to the point that he called Smith a “dirtbag” in the middle of the hearing.
Here is a good moment to watch Alabama Republican Senator Katie Britt’s candid reaction to her colleague going down in flames, having set his own dick on fire:
Once Smith realized what Schmitt was alluding to, and what a moron Schmitt was, and once Amy Klobuchar started making fun of Schmitt to his face, oh boy Schmitt had a tantrum.
“Perhaps you should have looked at it more carefully,” said Klobuchar, patronizingly.
“Whose questioning is this!” Schmitt demanded. “Well I’m glad you’re trying to rehabilitate the witness!” he bitched and moaned.
Rehabilitate the witness from what, you stupid cum gutter?
“I PRESENTED HIM WITH TEXT MESSAGES ABOUT HIM WANTING TO MEET WITH PEOPLE THAT COULD HAVE OBVIOUSLY BEEN RELATED TO THE PROSECUTION THAT WAS COORDINATED WITH HIS OFFICE IN ATLANTA!”
This is so unbelievably stupid, because unless you live inside the late-stage-syphilitic galaxy brain of a Republican, even if his facts were right, and even if he was able to tell two sports teams apart, and even if his theory of the case was right, it wouldn’t have proven anything. Fani Willis was prosecuting a state-level case that was very similar, or at least had a lot of overlap with the federal case Jack Smith was prosecuting regarding Donald Trump’s attempts to mount a coup to overturn the 2020 election he lost and overthrow the United States government, including the terrorist attack he incited on American soil as part of that scheme.
Even if Smith had met with Willis, then or any other time, that would prove nothing more than that Smith and Willis, who were prosecuting similar cases, had met with each other. And Smith would have zero reason to hide that.
Only if your brain is completely broken, if you are truly stupid enough to believe that what Willis and Smith were doing was somehow shameful and subversive, would you even think there was reason for subterfuge here. If Smith had met with Willis and was asked about it, he would say “Yes, we met, and this is why.”
What a stupid fuckin’ hunk of damaged cells Eric Schmitt is.
Pathetically, he is still trying to preserve the fiction that he did not humiliate himself and take a shit right in the middle of his big star-making porn performance.
Here he is, trying to preserve his dignity to TMZ, which caught up with him afterward to ask hey little buddy, what HAPPENED in there?
Transcript is worth enjoying:
TMZ REPORTER: I gotta ask, man, what happened in there?
SEN. ERIC SCHMITT: About what?
TMZ: With getting it wrong.
SCHMITT: Well, I don’t think about it that way. I asked him if he was at a basketball game that night. The only NBA game that was going on that night was in Atlanta. So, I asked him if he was there. He had already lied twice. He lied about not seeing the contents, and he lied about, um, you know, not filing, not getting advice not to file the superseding indictment within 60 days of the election, so Jack Smith is not credible. Um, he gave his answer, and I guess that’s his answer.
TMZ: It just looked like you had a “gotcha” for him, like, “You’re gonna perjure yourself,” or “You’re lying now,” and then you had the wrong —
SCHMITT: Well, he was at a basketball game. I asked him if he was in Atlanta. He said, “No.” He said he was at another game. That’s his answer, so it is what it is.
TMZ: How did that mistake happen?
SCHMITT: It’s not a mistake! I asked him if he was in Atlanta. The only NBA game going on — actually, the only NCAA men’s game or NBA game — with a 7:30 tip-off was in Atlanta, so I asked him if he was in Atlanta that night.
TMZ: But it seemed like you were trying to get him rather than just —
SCHMITT: Well, I asked him if he was at a Hawks game in Atlanta, because we’re trying to figure out how much coordination took place between him and the Atlanta prosecutor.
TMZ: So, no heads are gonna roll over this sort of thing, like whoever gave you that information, their job isn’t in jeopardy?
SCHMITT: Well, no, I asked him a question, like, were you in Atlanta? He answered no. He’s lied before, so I guess we’ll take him at his word that he wasn’t in Atlanta? I don’t know.
TMZ: So, that wasn’t, like, an embarrassing moment or something from where you’re standing?
SCHMITT: No. I ask questions. I ask questions, and we’ll see if he answers truthfully. He’s not answered truthfully before, so people can decide if that’s the truth or not. I mean, I suppose that the Department of Justice can ask him where he was that night. I don’t know.
TMZ: The Hawkeyes game!
SCHMITT: What’s that?
TMZ: The Hawkeyes game, wasn’t he?
SCHMITT: That’s what he says.
TMZ: Oh, no, no, no. We can see in the audience that he’s in that section. I’ve seen him in the section that night.
SCHMITT: For that night? Great. Well, then he was at the Hawkeyes game. I just asked him if he was in Atlanta.
Dear God.
We mentioned at the top that there’s reason to suspect Axios was tipped off to what Eric Schmitt thought he was going to do yesterday. It should also be noted that such MAGA mouthbreathers as Sean Hannity and Benny Johnson also had tweets ready to go for the moment when Schmitt utterly failed to perform, which they went ahead and posted, trumpeting Schmitt’s big GOTCHA! Smith caught doing perjury!
And then they deleted them for some reason.
Schmitt didn’t delete his later performance on the Charlie Kirk show yesterday, which isn’t hosted by a dead guy thank goodness, where he just went and pretended he didn’t shit in the bed right in the middle of his big scene.
“You caught him out on this NBA game, too, by the way, in Atlanta,” said the host.
“Yeah,” said Schmitt, like that was a thing that had happened.
Whew.
All of this is so rough.
Chriiiiiist.
And that is what happened yesterday in the United States Senate.
By the way, Fani Willis has helpfully clarified some facts for Schmitt:
Make fun of Eric Schmitt to his face if you seem him today, or every day for the rest of his life. May he never forget the day he tried to be a real lawyer and a real man.
[transcripts via JoeMyGod / videos from Aaron Rupar]
Want to read more Evan than just what’s at Wonkette? Visit The Moral High Ground and subscribe to it!
Follow me on Instagram!
Subscribe to me on YouTube!
And on BlueSky!
And on Facebook!
A line from "GI JOE: A Real American Hero" comic book series from Marvel:
"It is typical of the criminal mind to think everyone thinks like they do."
So many people dunked on him for this it was ridiculous:
- There is *video* of Jack Smith at the Iowa-Maryland game
- Smith had a federal security detail. Which Schmitt could have requested travel logs of and found that Smith was in Maryland at the time.
- The seats mentioned were "Section 109, Row 1". State Farm Arena, where the Atlanta Hawks play, doesn't have row numbers. They use letters (Row A, Row B, etc.).
- On that particular night, Steph Curry of the Golden State Warriors dropped 60 points on the Hawks. It was a pretty memorable performance.