Pizza Canceled, Has To Go To Rainbow Bridge With Gas Stoves And Farting Cows

Conservative media says it, must be true.

Today Donald Trump talked about the things they aren't going to let you have anymore.

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"They want to take away your gas stoves," he said. "They want to take away your washing machines and your dryers. They don't wanna give you any water for the washing machine, even though you have so much water you don't know what the hell to do with it up here. Flows out into the ocean." (He was in New Hampshire where the state motto is "WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! I'M ALL WET!")

Unfortunately, Trump is behind the news cycle, because on top of all those things they're taking, New York City has canceled pizza. Yes! It's true! (Not true.) Here is known truth-teller (no) Benny Johnson to explain:

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Shrieking and yelping way too fast, as usual, Benny said, "Well, well, well, ladies and gentlemen!" He said Joe Biden is going to New York, but he won't be able to get a slice of pizza there. (He will.) "New York has canceled pizza!" (It has not.)

But Benny! Doesn't New York love pizza so much? Why would New York do that? Aren't all the TV shows about New York basically about people eating pizza? (It feels like Benny might not make it to the big city very often.)

"Isn't it like the MECCA for ALL PIZZA? Yes. And that's the point." Benny explained:

"The point of the Green New Deal, the point of the Great Reset, the point of the World Economic Forum, is to humiliate you, denigrate you, and to prove that you, the little people, cannot have the nice little things that you have wanted so badly in your life, that you've grown accustomed to, like private property. Like non-federally backed cryptocurrency. Like having physical dollars in your hand, like hard currency, like these kinda things, like driving a car, driving an automobile, filling up that car with a fossil fuel, those things you're not allowed to do.

"And you know, pizza in a coal-burning oven, and in a wood fire-burning oven, that creates fossil fuels. So you're no longer allowed to eat pizza. Microwave Totino's ONLY from now on in New York!"

You will be shocked to learn that literally none of this true. New York has not banned pizza. Benny is safe telling his pigfucker loser listeners this because these are the types of people who are scared of New York and would never go there because somebody on NextDoor said there's minorities there, but it's not true. (We mean, it's true there are minorities in New York, it's the everything about pizza part that is factcheck NOPE.)

So where is this all coming from? Why are Benny and other idiots telling people that the Green New Deal (which isn't law) and the World Economic Forum are banning cryptocurrency (LOL) and pizza?

Well, there was an article in known journalism newspaper the New York Post. Being a Murdoch organ, it wasn't one of those articles that was meant to provide information. It was the other kind of article. It was an EXCLUSIVE! story that said that under new New York City rules, pizzerias could be required to cut their carbon emissions by 75 percent, which itself was not accurate either.

Once it started incestuously reproducing in conservative media, the story became that woke climate groomers were canceling your pizza. Elon Musk whined about it. As you can see, it's made it all the way to Benny Johnson's tender brain.

Emily Atkin and Arielle Samuelson explain at the Heated newsletter that, despite what the screaming Post headline says, this isn't about forcing pizzerias to cut carbon emissions by 75 percent at all . They also note that none of these articles are actually linking to the proposed rule in question. But they do, and they explain:

[T]he proposed rule states that coal- and wood-fired cook stoves covered by the rule are only asked to reduce particulate matter emissions by 75 percent.

Particulate pollution and carbon pollution are not the same thing. Particulate pollution refers to the tiny pieces of solids and liquids that we can breathe into our lungs and harm our health: think smoke, smog, dirt, and soot. Carbon pollution refers to the greenhouse gas that warms the planet.

This is an air pollution rule. It’s not a climate rule.

The point is, they're trying to do something about air pollution problems around pizzerias.

Which the Post article kind of says waaaaaaay down if you are in the habit of reading full articles, but we're pretty sure they're counting on you not to do that.

Here is the big ooga-booga woke New York is trying to impose on their poor pizza makers:

The only thing the rule requires is for pizzeria owners to have an architect or engineer come check out the oven, and see if it’s feasible to install an emissions scrubber. If it’s not, they can apply for a waiver.

An even stronger piece of evidence against the anonymous “pizza restaurateur’s” claim is that this rule is already in place. It’s been nearly a decade since New York passed its 2015 law requiring emissions-scrubbing technology on commercial wood- and coal-fired ovens built after 2016.

And that law, Atkin and Samuelson explain, said that one day, eventually, the earlier ovens would have to get into compliance.

Even the Post article admits that we're talking about fewer than 100 New York restaurants that could be affected here. And the Post's own quoted sources disagree on whether the air filtration fix required would actually change the quality of their pizza. (The guy who has already installed one says his pizza is great and the same. Also that neighbors who used to complain about the smoke seem much happier. Some anonymous whining shithead restaurateur who hasn't done so believes differently.)

This is why Benny Johnson is shitting his Underoos.

This is it. This is all of it.

Anyway, RIP pizza, it was fun while it lasted.

Go have fun on the Rainbow Bridge with all the gas stoves and the cow farts!

OPEN THREAD!

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