OK Dean Phillips, Time To F*ck Off
It's time for everybody to f*ck off day at Wonkette, who will be next?
There was a time when Dean Phillips, who could be the most hated man in the world if only the world had time to get to know him, said this. In fact, it was November 4, 2023:
I'll be clear - if my campaign is not viable after March 5th, I'll wrap it up and endorse the likely nominee - Biden or otherwise. I will then campaign for them as vigorously as I'm campaigning now. I'm not here for games - the goal is to maximize the odds of beating Trump.
Well it’s morning in America, motherfucker — the morning of March 6, specifically — so it’s time for Dean to wrap it the fuck up, so he can get on with that VIGOROUS campaigning!
Though pundits and commoners alike creamed themselves when they learned Dean Phillips had won the coveted Cimarron County, Oklahoma, Democratic vote — beating Joe Biden 11 to six, in a county Donald Trump won 970 to 70 (92 percent to 6.6 percent) in 2020 — the data from last night suggest that it’s time for Dean Phillips to make a tearful thank you speech to his stuffed animals and go away.
Instead, last night the son of a bitch said this:
“While Democratic Party loyalists are clearly, consistently, and overwhelmingly registering their preference for Joe Biden, it doesn’t alter the reality which compelled me to enter the race in the first place; Donald Trump is increasingly likely to defeat him in November,” Phillips said in a statement. “I’ll be assessing tonight’s results and all available data over the coming days before making a decision about how I can best help prevent that tragedy.”
Awwww, let’s all be Mister Rogers’s Look For The Helpers and assess those results for him. Obviously Joe Biden won Minnesota, right now with about 71 percent of the vote. Coming in second is the protest vote of “uncommitted,” at almost 19 percent. (And bear in mind, “uncommitted” does not mean “never Biden.” It means they’re speaking out about Biden’s Israel policy, at least those who chose “uncommitted” for that reason.) Dean Phillips is bringing up the rear in his home state with 7.8 percent.
In Hennepin County, which includes Minneapolis (Ilhan Omar’s district) and almost all the western suburbs that make up Dean Phillips, Biden is currently winning 64 to 26 (uncommitted) and nine (fucking Dean).
Dean Phillips being humiliatingly overperformed by Joe Biden on his own home turf? That’s something he’s been through before!
Last night, Dean got on Twitter and did that thing where he tried to pretend he was being silly, but you could tell he was really just furiously angry:
Yes, that’s one accurate way to look at it. Hate it when those “Democratic Party loyalists” AKA voters refuse to acknowledge the greatness of Dean Phillips in front of them.
“And Jason Palmer,” he added, acknowledging that he is also on a lower rung of the “demonstrating more appeal” ladder than the new prince of American Samoa.
Gavin Newsom, a man who knows about winning elections and being liked by human beings, responded to that tweet:
It’s funny because Newsom is a person people have actually talked about replacing Joe Biden in their fantasy football political masturbation games about Let’s Replace Joe Biden.
Dean replied:
Ooh, nasty. Now you see how mad he really was.
Mediaite notes that in Virginia, Marianne Williamson beat Phillips by more than 15,000, while Joe Biden beat the shit out of him 88.7 percent to 3.5 percent, like some kinda Bam Bam from “The Flintstones.” And that he lost in Michigan last month to both Williamson and “uncommitted.”
So let’s get to it, sport.
Endorsement, then vigorous campaigning.
Or endorsement and then never appearing outside your house ever again.
Up to you, loser.
[AP]
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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In my experience, mediocre white men NEVER go away when told people really don't like them and what they're selling. Whole institutions are created so he'll fail up- likely to a cushy CNN gig or maybe running the New York Times!
I have a strange urge to squeeze his nose and make honking sounds.