Only One Network Has Signed Hegseth's Knob-Slobbing Journalist Pledge, Three Guesses
Not. Even. Newsmax.
Quick, imagine a world where Newsmax has a legitimate claim to sneering downward at One America News from a journalistic perspective. Well, you don’t have to, because that world is now.
Newsmax, with its Trump-loving CEO and that weird bonkers creep Greg Kelly having his conniptions about “Da Bunny” at the Super Bowl and that other racist bootlicker scumbag loser, plus the network’s paid settlements for lying about voting machines, IT CAN STILL NONETHELESS stand proud this morning above One America News and its stable of on-air talent that looks like it’s having surgery to resemble a cartoon version of Liberace’s boyfriend. And it can say, “Hey, we might be Donald Trump’s loyal little pissboys, but at least we are not OAN.”
And they would be correct!
Because you know who is the only news organization — “news” organization — that has agreed to sign on to Pete Hegseth’s Masculine Insecurity Pledge at the Pentagon, the one where journalists have to promise they won’t write anything about the military or the Department of Defense Microdick that wasn’t psersonally scribed and approved by Secretary Shitfaced himself? THE ONLY?
That’s right, Newsmax looked out over that vast sea of literally every real news org out there, from the big ones like NYT and the Wall Street Journal to shitty ones like The Hill and Politico to all the military ones to wingnut ones like the Washington Times and said, “You know what? Safety in numbers.” And also perhaps “Ew, that column on the left smells like a Mar-a-Lago skidmark.”
So they haven’t signed their name.
It’s not a fluke either, they didn’t just forget to sign:
“Newsmax has no plans to sign the letter,” the cable news network said in a statement. “We are working in conjunction with other media outlets to resolve the situation. We believe the requirements are unnecessary and onerous and hope that the Pentagon with review the matter further.”
That is decidedly more courage than Fox News, Hegseth’s former weekend employer, which hasn’t signed, but also hasn’t boldly stepped up and said, “LOL fuck that shit,” like literally everyone else.
The “deadline” for journalists to start pretending Hegseth is pretty and that he’s not even a pussy ass bitch or a drunk or wholly unqualified to hold the job he has — or rather at the very least to say they will follow Secretary Shitfaced’s Rules For Reporters, like promising not to publish “unauthorized” information from the Pentagon — is 5:00 p.m. today.
Here is the aforementioned Liberace’s fluffer, fluffing Liberace:
Frankly Matt Gaetz is shocked!
Shitfaced’s full tweet there reads exactly like you’d imagine from a hilariously out-of-his-league little bitch who’s outranked, whether in the military or just in life, by just about everybody who walks in the doors at the Pentagon. Has he been lying for weeks, or is he just really that unfamiliar with the Big Kid parts of the military that he doesn’t know how silly he looks right now?
Not in evidence:
Proof press has at this point been “roaming free” at the Pentagon.
Proof press has not been wearing its badges.
Proof press has been soliciting “criminal acts.”
In other words, nobody even knows what the rambling piss-soaked drunk at the end of the bar is even talking about right now, and Pentagon reporters are confirming that Shitfaced is full of shit.
And as Josh Marshall from Talking Points Memo points out, everybody is laughing at him:
Has there ever been a bigger joke in the history of Defense secretaries, soldiers, warriors or men?
The Pentagon Press Association is calling Shitfaced’s little book of rules “unprecedented message intimidation,” and other similar groups of journos covering the Trump regime are standing in solidarity. Read a bunch more statements from editors and publishers at that last link, plus all the bootlicking from Hegseth’s yip-yap dog Sean Parnell and whatever else.
We guess all the real journalists in the country will just have to settle for the constant flow of leaks out of the Pentagon about what a horrifically embarrassing little clown Hegseth is. “Some well-known members of the Pentagon press corps have used the credentialing controversy to encourage tipsters to get in touch with them,” says CNN.
Alternately, we guess they can just get on Signal or post up in the men’s room at any bar between the Pentagon and a Fox News camera and see what stumbles through the door, trips on its pantlegs and ends up face first in a urinal.
Meanwhile, One America News will get to work on whatever hard-hitting journalism Hegseth has down his pants for them. Maybe a piece on how Botox DOES TOO cover up unsightly face warts?
(Not from where we’re standing.)
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Q: Why is OANN moving the Matt Gaetz show to Minnesota?
A: Because it has Matt Gaetz' favorite temperatures.
Q: ???
A: Dipping into the teens.
"Sign what? This pledge?" {reads} "Ah, right. You'll want to talk to our new Pentagon correspondent, Suq Maibals."