Pentagon Picks Fight With Canadian Sex Shop

'Stop sending butt plugs to Bahrain!'

The Department of Warfightin’ had plenty of embarrassing leaks over the past year, with Pete [Hic] Hegseth going so far as to force underlings to undergo polygraph tests in an attempt to root out any Deep State antifa patriots remaining inside the military, but it also has a problem with plugs. Or at least the kind people enjoy shoving up their butts.

Bonjibon, a boutique sex toy business based in Toronto, has received not one but two sternly worded letters from the Pentagon after some of their goodies somehow made their way to the US Naval Forces Central Command Fleet Logistics Center in the Kingdom of Bahrain.

This came as a surprise to company co-founder Grace Bennett, who told CTV News her company has never shipped directly to the island nation but regularly sends stuff to military PO boxes that are then forwarded to soldiers stationed overseas. The cease-and-desist letters, which were both dated several months ago, were only recently discovered inside boxes sent back to their warehouse, which is currently brimming with returned packages because it ain’t easy running a Canadian export business with goods made primarily in China when US tariff policies against both countries are in daily flux due to the whims of an elderly madman. She said the wording suggested they were intended for the customers who first ordered them but it’s a bit confusing as they also demanded buyers tell Bonjibon, in essence, to “stop sending butt plugs to Bahrain.”

“I don’t know why they’re sending me very cross letters saying, ‘Stop sending items that could cause bodily harm to this country,’” said Bennett. “This sounds like a you problem. The call was coming from inside the house.”

To be fair, sexual material has long been prohibited in the Pearl of the Persian Gulf, a country that rarely makes international news due to being very small and having run out of oil decades ago. This could’ve just as easily happened under Biden or Obama although it’s much funnier when it’s an administration built entirely around protecting assholes. But it’s weird that military brass are placing the onus on a small Canadian sex shop business to inform service members on what they can or can’t bring onto base, a very long list that includes tobacco, VCRs, poker chips, pork products and literally anything made in Israel.

“We got a huge kick out of it,” said Bennett. “I mean, we don’t judge, we want everyone to order whatever they want and we want everyone to feel confident and start shopping for whatever they want. But there is a juxtaposition of a military person in a foreign country ordering butt plugs and having no understanding that those items are illegal in the country that they’re in.”

The archipelago is one of the few Arab nations to legalize homosexuality so it seems a shame they’ve still got such a strong stance against butt plugs, which also have therapeutic value for incontinence, pelvic floor muscle training, and recovery from prostate surgery as well as offering a little R&R after a long day soldiering in the hot Middle Eastern sun. The flared base on the fancier ones can even make for great paperweights or conversation starters.

But the last thing Canada wants to do right now is alienate any potential new allies now that our closest and more powerful neighbor has gone the Full Fourth Reich, and the two far-flung countries even signed an agreement to explore defence ties and other areas of mutual co-operation at a regional security summit in Manama two years ago. There hasn’t been much movement on the file since but getting Canadian soldiers to practice with the Bahraini men’s and women’s national hockey teams might be a good place to start.

No word on what might happen if there’s a strike three and yet another dildo or even someone from Dildo, NL, arrives uninvited from Canada, but it’s entirely possible Grampa Hitler could use it as an excuse to attack Ottawa and kidnap Prime Minister Mark Carney for disrespecting the very fine people of Bahrain, who are planning to invest more than $17 billion in the US in the coming years and whose embassy in DC regularly books guests at Trump hotels. The gains from Bahrain fall mainly on planes — specifically an order to buy at least 12 aircraft from Boeing for their national carrier — but also include major deals with American corporate giants such as Oracle and Cisco.

They may not have given him a free sky palace like Qatar did but it’s no dumber to imagine than MAGA pretending lethal drugs or brown people are being smuggled in from Canada as a pretext for war.

Qatar Gives Biggest, Bestest Plane To Biggest, Bestest Boy Donald Trump

[CTV / Gulf Daily News / Al Jazeera / Wonkette Bluesky Starter Pack]

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