Pete Hegseth Wants Troops With Big Muscles, Shrunken Little Tiny Balls
What about the women? That's a known unknown.
In keeping with the Trump administration’s policy of infusing all of American government with bad ideas from Twitter, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth Wednesday announced that the Pentagon will begin screening the testosterone levels of US service members over the age of 30.
Echoing pseudoscientific nonsense from rightwing manosphere influencers, the former Fox News weekend anchor insisted in a bizarre video first posted to Twitter that the new testing regime is aimed at ensuring American warriors “have the right testosterone levels to operate at your absolute best.” Hegseth captioned his Twitter video announcing the new policy “The High-T Department of War.”
We cannot stress strongly enough that we are not making this up.
The testosterone screenings would be be added as part of routine annual physicals for service members over 30. (Patriotic manlymen under 30 could also voluntarily be tested, too, in case they’re worried about being left out.)
The Associated Press helpfully points out that in his video, Hegseth “simply refers to troops, though it appears he is talking about only testing men in uniform for hormone irregularities.” The New York Times, however, says that the tests would be for “all service members age 30 and older, including women,” although it doesn’t cite a source. Hegseth doesn’t say “all” in the video, just “warfighters” and “service members.” You would be far too cynical to assume this is a way to rid the military of its meddlesome women; the law in its majesty forbids both low-T men and low-T women from serving under bridges alike …
But it is true, in an ideal rightwing world, women would no longer hold any important roles in the military. Hegseth has previously said women don’t belong in combat roles, and said that service in combat should be limited to those who meet the “highest male standard,” which women already have to do, but try convincing Secretary Drunky McDrunkerson of that.
On that note, we’ll also point out that Hegseth once more blocked the promotions of several high-ranking women and people of color in the Navy (New York Times gift link). That means that, “for the first time in more than a decade, no female active-duty naval officers are likely to be promoted to admiral this year,” according to current and former defense sources who spoke to the Times. Isn’t that quite the coincidence?
You can also use the button below to donate an amount of your choice at Paypal, or we have a Patreon too.
Hegseth framed the testes tests as just one more way he’s making war fun again, by making sure The Troops are as manly and bulked up as the Defense Department budget.
“While we invest heavily in our weapon systems, platforms and gear, our most decisive tactical advantage will always be the individual warfighter. We have a sacred duty to maintain that advantage, which is why we must constantly look for new ways to optimize your performance, your resilience and your long-term health.”
Hegseth noted, correctly, that “it’s well-established science that as we age, testosterone levels often naturally drop.” But it’s definitely not well-established science to claim that lower testosterone levels make soldiers less able to fight, or that pumping up their testosterone levels will do a damn thing to improve military readiness. Very low testosterone levels can cause health problems like lower bone density and erectile dysfunction, but Hegseth makes no mention of real medical issues, only the general idea that you have to have “high T” to be a tough manly warfighter.
Not incidentally, there’s also a lot of money being made pushing panic about a nonexistent “testosterone crisis” and telling men they need to tan their balls.
Hegseth said that if the tests reveal a testosterone deficiency, it would be up to the individual to decide whether to receive testosterone replacement therapy. Like, no pressure, man, if you wanna be a low-T soy-boy wimp, it’s your choice, and there won’t be any repercussions except everyone will call you a girl. Presumably, servicemen who decline getting the gender-affirming treatment wouldn’t be directly punished, but they might go on a watch list and be separated from the military if they’re subsequently found to like watching rom-coms or driving a Subaru Outback.
Hegseth maintained in the video that the initiative is “not about artificial enhancement; it’s about restoring and optimizing your natural capabilities, protecting your longevity, and ensuring you have the biological foundation required to sustain the fight.” Again, he didn’t offer a shred of evidence to support those claims, in keeping with the administration’s goal of enacting policy based on vibes.
The Trump administration, when not starting pointless wars or pursuing ethnic cleansing, has gone all in on the notion that men need to be more manly, what with Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s weird fears that teenaged boys aren’t producing enough sperms and JD Vance’s anxiety that men simply aren’t being allowed to be men anymore, somehow.
Kennedy himself has bragged about taking testosterone replacements, saying they’re “appropriate for my age.” In January, RFK Jr. also claimed that Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services Administrator Mehmet Oz had done a very important review of Trump’s medical records and had determined the Great Man had “the highest testosterone levels that he’s ever seen for an individual over 70.”
The administration has turned testosterone fantasies into actual policy changes, too; Kennedy’s HHS has proposed loosening restrictions on testosterone replacement therapies, even though they have long been restricted to men with both low testosterone levels and a related medical condition, not schmucks who want big muscles and tiny testicles.
Not surprisingly, medical experts are reacting to Hegseth’s proposal by rolling their eyes and urging caution. Georgetown pharmacology and physiology professor Adriane Fugh-Berman cautioned that the new plan is “non-evidence-based and could cause harm,” adding that “There’s a wide range of testosterone levels at every age, and they vary hourly, daily, weekly and seasonally.”
She also noted that “Testosterone levels go up if you hold a gun, they go down if you hold a baby,” which we assume will persuade Hegseth to explore ordering men in the military to be kept from having any contact with their children within a month of deployment.
[AP / NBC News / WaPo (gift link) / NYT (gift link) / WaPo (gift link)]
Yr Wonkette is funded entirely by reader donations. If you can, please become a paid subscriber, or if you’d like to make a one-time (or recurring) donation, you can click this here button.
That video of how not to do a chin-up will never stop being funny. Or at least pathetic.
I don't get this obsession with ferocity, like it's all that matters in war. If that were true, we'd all be speaking Comanche.