Pissbaby Republicans Freaking Out Over Upcoming No Kings Rallies

Soros! Paid protesters! And other cliches.

Gosh, everyone, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson is so upset. What’s got our nation’s most powerful Keebler elf’s nards in a vise? Did his phone alert his kid that he was watching jackalope porn? (As a side note, those two might want to consider a different app for monitoring each other’s masturbation habits.) Did someone outlaw buttermilk biscuits and ham? Is he sad because he is three feet tall, and standing next to John Thune makes it look as if it is “Take Your Nephew to Work Day” on Capitol Hill?

No, no, none of that, so far as we know. What Johnson is mad about — blood-boilingly, cheeks-reddeningly, steam visibly emanating from his ears like Butch the dog in an old Tom and Jerry cartoon mad about — is that the Democrats won’t reopen the government before the No Kings rallies next weekend. Or, as Johnson calls them, the Democrats’ “Hate America” rallies on October 18, for which they are selling T-shirts. That last part seems to particularly offend the Keebler elf.

Why, he’s so mad he marched right over to his office on his stubby little legs and cancelled all House business for next week so legislators can take a few more days off. Also, in what we’re sure is a giant coincidence, it delays any sort of vote to release all the Epstein files. That’ll show ‘em.

Here in reality, there are a couple of points to make. The first is that, as Mike Johnson damn well knows, the Republicans don’t need the Democrats to reopen the government. The Senate GOP is welcome to nuke the filibuster anytime it wants, thereby lowering the threshold for passage from 60 to 50 votes, and pass the House continuing resolution. Presto, the government is funded for at least the next few weeks.

Republicans don’t have the stones to nuke the filibuster on funding bills. Or they are perfectly fine with this shutdown, which they continue to think is going to eventually sink the Democrats’ approval ratings so low that they will cave. Or some combination of all of that.

Millions Assemble To Tell Trump They Hate His Stupid F*cking Face

Marjorie Taylor Greene Having A One-Woman No Kings Parade

Of course the Republicans could also sit down and negotiate with the Democrats … ha ha ha ha ha ha oh we have fun. They don’t want a deal. Besides, with them having decided that rescissions by the president are totally fine, what would be the point? The Democrats are going to sit down, negotiate a compromise, and then watch as the Republicans ignore the deal and let the president cut whatever funding he wants? Even Democrats don’t seem interested in letting Republicans step all over them.

We know, it’s weird to us too.

The second point is that the nationwide No Kings rallies that are scheduled for next Saturday are the reboot of a day of peaceful protest in June against Donald Trump and the rest of the Republicans currently speeding through the Fascism for Dummies book in America. The title “No Kings” is of course a reference to America’s origins, when our Founding Fathers fought to free themselves from the rule of mad King George III. That we are a democracy that cannot be ruled by a monarch is a bedrock of American society, or was, until Trump came into office and Republicans like Johnson rolled over for him like a bunch of puppies about to pee themselves in terror.

This has all driven Republicans insane(r), as you can see from all these clips Aaron Rupar posted of them on Friday yammering like it’s 1991 in Moscow, they are a bunch of communist apparatchiks hiding out in the Kremlin, and someone just spotted Boris Yeltsin rolling towards them atop a tank.

Antifa, pro-Hamas, and Marxists. Did Johnson miss any right-wing bogeymen in his disjointed little rant there? Are there no radical college students, Hollywood celebrities, deep staters, anarchists, communists, leftist judges, and everyone planning the Super Bowl halftime show in there?

These are the talking points that seem to have gone out. Next Saturday is some sort of violent soiree driven by the “terrorist wing” of the Democratic Party and will consist of a bunch of hippies screaming about how much they hate America. Probably burn some flags, too, which, contra our president, is not something he can just deem illegal by declaring it on TruthSocial.

Anyway, we don’t think the people protesting against the nation being ruled by a monarch are the ones who hate America, but we’re not brain geniuses like Tom Emmer.

That reminds us, everyone make sure to track your hours and email your timecards in immediately upon completion of the rally if you want Mr. Soros to pay you in a timely manner.

Good Lord. Terrorist wing, pro-Hamas, a rally for degenerates who hate America ... are they trying to goad Trump into calling in airstrikes on the protests?

All of this has more than a whiff of desperation; it is more of a sonic boom of desperation. If next Saturday’s rallies are anything like the No Kings protests in June, they will be both very well-attended and very peaceful. This contradicts the images Republicans are trying to push of anyone currently protesting the Trump regime as being part of a violent mob intent on burning down America. If these protests are mostly furries in frog costumes thrusting their hips over and over at a retreating line of masked cops, as we suspect they will be, then there will be no need for the National Guard to wade in and bust some heads.

For their part, the organizers of the No Kings rallies laughed their asses off before responding. No, really:

There are by our count a metric fuckton of these rallies on October 18, and you can find the nearest one here. That is a lot of protests, which means a lot of protesters, which means Mr. Soros will be signing checks for weeks.

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