Donald Trump’s brain at this point is made entirely of pudding and recordings of Natalie calling him “O Captain! My Captain!” on a loop. He wants to be a dictator like Putin, but he’s 80 and he’s easily distracted and easily confused, and as far as anybody can tell, the last time his brain processed a thought fully — however well that worked back in the day, he’s always been bastante fucking stupid — was back when Michael Keaton was playing Batman. Although somewhere in that soup he knows Christian Bale was also Batman, as Bale told a famous story about the time Trump invited him to his office in Trump Tower and he actually thought he was talking to Bruce Wayne.
That soup has been simmering a long time, is what we are saying.
Additionally, somewhere in that soup, is Trump’s notion that he is some sort of grand showman who fucks all the ladies and grabs them by the pussy and gets the best ratings. This is why he thinks he’s the only person who can “save” the Kennedy Center from its previous success doing just fine NOT HOT ANYMORE. He had a couple of shitty reality TV shows where he played an obvious conman “businessman” swindler, America’s dumbest motherfuckers thought it was a documentary, and the rest is history.
(We will never get over the revelation that came out of this era that some people actually thought The Apprentice and The Celebrity Apprentice were shows about a real and good businessman.)
Trump’s presidency is at this point mostly about starting wars, the shoot-’em-up kind and the trade kind, and losing them on the first day while Natalie feeds Trump applesauce and Big Mac-flavored Gerber baby food in his underpants and tells him he’s pretty. It is about Dear Leader getting very, very excited about building monuments to himself. And because Trump and the people who he surrounds himself with are such complete trash, it’s about reality TV and Wrestlemania.
There are ‘roided out idiot fights on the White House lawn, there are RACE CARS GO ZHOOM! The past-his-sell-by-date fuckboi at Transportation is making reality TV shows about his fears that his daughter was born with a functioning brain, and the melting replicant human face mask who runs HHS is doing some kind of “Who Wants to Lady And The Tramp This Bowl of Fried Whale Cum With Me And Then We Can Work Out In Blue Jeans Together” cooking/wellness show, it sounds awesome.
And now President Grandpa is getting one! It is like Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Celebrity Apprentice In The Shark Tank, all rolled into one! And it is full of the biggest stars!
OK fine it has Nicki Minaj and Dumpy Unemployed Republican Superman, because we guess they weren’t busy.
Small Business Administration (SBA) Administrator Kelly Loeffler took a break from learning MY FEETS, HOW DO THEY WORK, to announce the new thingie on Twitter:
“The boardroom energy,” OK, sure. Cool celebrity judges too, if literally everybody else was braiding their butthair that day. We guess we missed all of Dean Cain’s entrepreneuring and “inspired millions,” but we bet it happened.
Nicki Minaj, also such a businessperson, explained on Twitter:
Yeah OK sure. We’re sure she’ll have some real quality opinions on the defense technology and other small business manufacturers competing for a chance to lick the hem of Donald Trump’s garment or whatever.
The other two judges are just MAGA trash billionaires, you don’t feel like Googling them and neither do we, but hooray, Daily Beast Googled them for us:
She will be joined at the event by judges Grant Cardone, a private equity fund manager who has championed Trump’s deeply unpopular tariff policy, and Joe Gebbia, the anti-immigrant co-founder of Airbnb.
Ooh, AirBnb! AKA the scourge of literally every city in the world that people want to visit. Every time you read about “anti-tourist” protests anywhere? See how long it takes you to figure out the real problem is hedge funds that own enormous numbers of AirBnbs. Wherever locals are getting fucked out of their homes, there they be.
Oh, and Dean Cain isn’t a judge, he is the host. Because when you really want the studio audience to throw their panties at the stage, who do you call? (We guess the big man has special executive AI slop time with Natalie planned that night, and also he is too old to host reality TV himself these days.)
Fox News explains the prize money the five competitors, all of which were chosen earlier this year, will be vying for:
No finalist will go empty-handed with the first-place winner scoring $400,000, second place winning $250,000, third place gets $150,000 and fourth place will take home $125,000, leaving fifth place with $75,000.
Well if that isn’t some lazy ass socialist participation trophy fucking bullshit.
But we guess they probably need it since Trump’s stupid tariffs have been fucking the shit out of small businesses and big business and medium-sized businesses, and also his economy is garbage.
Might as well put something on the TV to entertain the MAGA yokels before the repo man comes to take their lives away. You know how it is for those types, if they see somebody on the TV “getting rich,” they imagine their golden ticket is just around the corner. It’s literally the entire business model of the MAGA movement.
Which Of Y’all Dumbass MAGA Cows Wants To Get Fuckswindled Some More Like Some Kind Of Goddamned Goldfish? will air September 18 on we don’t know where, literally none of the articles mentions that detail, so it’s probably just on Twitter.
[Fox News]
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Leaning fully into the "circuses" part, because the bread is tainted with some sort of lead, I imagine, since Bobby Brainworms can't be bothered to regulate food safety.
Well, I'm gonna set my VCR to auto-record that! Right after I review the calls on my answering machine and dial people back on my rotary wall phone.