Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Will Have Revenge On Joe Biden For Visiting Kyiv First!

Lose a battle, win the war! And Russia did not lose battle! We won by not winning!

Greetings and hellos, debased Western fuck ogres of Wonkette! It is I, your great friend Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, here again to make with you the talking! Also to bring you belated New Year’s greetings. How was your New Year’s? Did you gather in hideous metropolis of New York to scream like banshees as bunch of lightbulbs descended pole? Your celebrations are so decadent and strange. When I was boy in Soviet Union, we would celebrate New Year’s by turning in neighbors for stealing extra potatoes from people’s glorious food collective. Sometimes as New Year’s treat, we were allowed to shoot them. Was good time!

But now I am sad to report to the depraved harridans of the Wonketariat that it has been a rough start to the year for Vladimir Vladimirovich. And not just because Netflix canceled service in Russia and now I cannot watch season four of delightful romantic comedy “You.” Penn Badgley! So charming! So lovelorn! So bloodthirsty!

Anyway, to Vladimir’s problems. First, it seems no one is paying attention to my global campaign for window safety . How else to explain recent tragedy of high-ranking member of Russian army command falling from 16th floor window? Or sausage tycoon – yes, really, the sausage king of Moscow – falling from window in India after criticizing special military operation in Ukraine?

Wonkette, does Vladimir stutter? Was Vladimir not clear? Did Vladimir not say that all Russians should be careful around windows? Most especially those who criticized Vladimir for invading phony nation of Ukraine? Please explain, then, why people keep going into buildings that have windows!

Is very bad for all Russia. For one thing, it makes FSB lazy. Why stage elaborate accident involving sexy Russian temptress, wetsuit, lubricant, funny clown wig, several empty bottles of Ripple, tube of silicone plumber’s caulk, old car battery from ’73 Volga, penguins, Glinda the Good Witch costume, JC Penney eight-track playing Sonny and Cher hit album “All I Ever Need Is You,” bathtub full of squeaky toys and poppyseed salad dressing, and branded Moscow Hustler Hollywood dildos of varying length and girth when window is right there?

Theoretically, of course. You heard nothing!

Second, your president Joe Biden visited fake Ukrainian city of Kyiv and did not invite his good friend Vladimir! In fact, United States specifically warned Russia not to come to Kyiv while he was there, or even lob friendship missiles at city to greet him. I tell President Biden so many times, stop by when you are in neighborhood! I tell him we will drink vodka and toss lynx on grill and have good time!

Then he is in neighborhood, and he blows Vladimir off! Says Vladimir would just feel like third wheel while he and President Zelensky pop nonalcoholic brewskis. Says if Russia even looks cross-eyed at Kyiv while he is there, he will give Ukrainian military an entire air wing of F-22s and several brigades’ worth of tanks!

Is very hurtful. Very Dark Brandon of him. Da, Dark Brandon. Vladimir is aware of all your Internet memes .

President Trump would have stopped by, and would have brought gifts of his delicious water and all NATO military battle plans for defending Europe from Russian invasion. I miss him.

Trump would have toasted the one-year anniversary of special military operation with Vladimir too. Yes, today is anniversary of Vladimir’s greatest feat, restoring glory of Ukraine by eliminating all the Ukrainians and every trace of their culture.

Or will be greatest feat soon. We just need to mobilize several hundred thousand more Russian soldiers and throw them in waves at Ukrainian lines. We are conscripting college students now. Unlike America, Russia is equitable society when it comes to sending cannon fodder to get blown up in imperialist wars.

Of course we will train them first! Russian soldier must be fierce. Russian soldier must be strong. Russian soldier must charge directly at Ukrainian machine gun nests with hundreds of his comrades. Ukrainian soldiers cannot shoot all of them.

I tell my war council, which is just an oil portrait of Peter the Great that talks to me – is true, painting talks, Vladimir is in right mind – I tell war council that yes, Ukraine Nazis fight harder than expected and did not roll over like effete French. And Joe Biden turned out to not be decrepit corpse being propped up at desk by male corset or plumbers' caulk or wife.

But! In precisely 23 months, good friend of Russia Donald Trump will return to Oval Office. At which time, as feral idiot son of Donald revealed, America will stop helping Ukraine. And don’t think Russia is not helping orange baboon and coked-out son … er, great compatriot of the motherland Donald Trump and glorious offspring to win election. We had much fun last time!

Then Ukrainians run out of bullets and will have to surrender and then Vladimir can go to Kyiv and laugh at them.

So! New plan! Old plan, of course, was lightning-fast takeover of entire country and giant victory parade. New plan is, find enough heroic corpses-in-waiting to run from Russian trenches directly at Ukrainian trenches over and over and over for the next two years like Slavic lemmings ... er, heroes of Mother Russia in giant stalemate until great friend Donald Trump is back in power and tells Zelensky to suck it.

Think of it as – what is word – homage to First World War. As you know, Vladimir loves history!

This is of course secret plan, Wonkette. You will stay quiet, or you will find yourselves with old five-shot Mosin-Nagant in muddy trench in Donbas. Is your choice.

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