Robert Garcia Drags The Trumps By Way Of 'Real Housewives Of Salt Lake City' Finale
Robert Garcia Drags The Trumps By Way Of 'Real Housewives Of Salt Lake City' Finale
RECEIPTS! PROOF! A TIMELINE! SCREENSHOTS!
Yesterday, during the same House Oversight Committee Hearing where Hunter Biden showed up to grab himself a Marjorie Taylor Greene pelt — at which Republicans were discussing whether or not the younger Biden should be held in contempt of Congress for refusing to testify behind closed doors and instead had offered to testify in public — Congressman Robert Garcia (D-CA) took a moment to pivot to actual wrongdoing by Donald Trump, his children, and his son-in-law Jared Kushner.
Garcia pointed out that while they were spending all day in a hearing for accusations Republicans do not actually have any concrete evidence for (accusations that Hunter Biden and his father, now the president, took illegal payments from foreign governments), listening to nonsense and looking at dick pics, Democrats actually have piles of evidence proving that Donald Trump, his children, and his son-in-law Jared Kushner absolutely did take illegal payments from foreign governments
“And what do we have as Democrats? We have receipts. Proof. A timeline. Screenshots. We have everything we need to prove conclusively that foreign governments were funneling money through Trump Properties and into Donald Trump’s pockets, all in violation of the Constitution,” Garcia said, before launching into said proof (which, fantastically, came complete with visual aids — a couple giant pictures of Ivanka and Jared).
“Now we know that we can already prove about almost $8 million of foreign payments, illegal payments against the Constitution, back to the Trump Organization and that is just a tip of the iceberg,” he continued, “Because we don't have access to the other hundreds of businesses and properties, that $8 million of receipts and payments that we have is only from a total of four properties of the hundreds of businesses of Donald Trump and his of businesses of Donald Trump and his family.”
“No family in history has ever benefited more than the Trumps and the Kushners,” Garcia said, before going into great detail about how Jared Kushner was “putting together a $110 billion arms deal for the Saudis,” while at the same time “the Saudis were paying hundreds of thousands of dollars in room stays and foreign gifts that were illegal under the Constitution back into the Trump organization over and over through hotels and properties.” He also noted — you’ll be familiar with this small detail — that once Kushner left the White House, the Saudis gave him a $2 billion dollar investment fund to manage.
LAST WEEK!
Now, it was a pretty decent takedown on its own, but if you happened to be online yesterday or read the comments on his tweet about the speech, you might be a little confused as to why some people were going completely bananas about it — unless, like me, you watch way too much Bravo.
Garcia, with his “Receipts! Proof! Timeline! Screenshots!” was actually directly quoting last week’s shocking finale of the “Real Housewives of Salt Lake City,” a thing I can pretty much guarantee has never happened in Congress before (except, of course, for that time Chuck Grassley busted out with his own cover of “Don’t Be Tardy For The Party”). Though it’s only been a week or so, the episode is already going down in history as one of the most iconic — up there with Teresa Giudice flipping a table and Kelly Bensimon ranting about Bethenny Frankel supposedly trying to kill her, lollipops, “gumberries,” and Al Sharpton on Scary Island.
Did that make no sense to you at all? That’s fair. Maybe you don’t like Bravo. Maybe you don’t even own a TV. But that is why I am here, as a pop culture sherpa, to hep you to what is going on here and why it is that people are freaking out.
This is my moment, okay?
Allow Me To Explain What The Deal Is!
This season was the debut of new SLC Housewife Monica Garcia — the former (unpaid?) assistant to former SLC Housewife Jen Shah, who is now in prison for having run a telemarketing fraud scheme that scammed old people out of their retirement funds, in part because Garcia talked to the Feds.
Monica, the first (admittedly) not-rich Housewife, a self-described “feisty Latina” who was ex-communicated from the LDS church for having an affair with her brother-in-law, has been extremely popular with fans throughout the season. In fact, we can all pretty much agree that she is the whole reason this season was as good as it was. She started shit, but not in a mean or too-obvious-seeming way, she cried over buying a Louis Vuitton purse she couldn’t afford so she could fit in with the ladies, she stood up to her terrible mother, and she dragged Lisa “Baby Gorgeous” Barlow for sounding like an asshole talking about losing her “$60,000 ring,” like a $60,000 ring is a normal thing that normal people have.
Garcia was truly the Housewife of the People and a star, especially compared to this year’s other rookies, like Nneka Ihim on Potomac, whose whole deal is that she thinks Dr. Wendy’s mom put a Nigerian curse on her, or Annemarie Wiley (wife of sports person/accused rapist Marcellus Wiley) of Beverly Hills, who so far hasn’t talked about anything other than co-star Sutton Strack’s esophagus. (specifically the fact that Sutton says she eats slowly and can’t eat certain things because she has an esophagus disorder, which Annemarie, a nurse, seems to believe is not a real thing)
During last week’s finale in Bermuda, OG SLC Housewife Heather Gay (whom we mostly love) asked Monica why they should believe her over Meredith Marks, re: who was behind the rumors that Angie K was connected to the Greek mafia. Monica explained that she had receipts, proof, a timeline and screenshots to prove that she had been sent that information herself on Instagram and did not send it to Meredith with a fake account.
But then — Heather turned it around and revealed that she had “Receipts! Proof! Timeline! Screenshots! Fucking everything!” from her former hairdresser Tenesha, Monica’s former best friend, proving that Monica had actually led a secret life prior to joining the show as none other than Instagram internet troll Reality Von Tease, who had tortured them all online for several years prior, and that she maybe stole a clutch from Meredith’s boutique, which was a storyline on the first season when they all blamed another of Jen Shah’s assistants for the theft.
“This is how you know I’m telling the truth,” Gay shouts at her co-star’s direction. “I have your perfect formula. Receipts. Proof. Timeline. Screenshots. Fucking everything to prove that you are a fucking bully and a fucking troll and that you don’t deserve to be at this table or anywhere near any of us for the way you’ve treated us.”
Heather also admitted, finally, that it was Jen Shah, her former “ride or die,” who gave her the mystery black eye at the end of the last season (everyone knew, but still).
The way she laid it all out was so iconic that even Jennifer Lawrence was saying “Receipts! Proof! Timeline! Screenshots!” on the Golden Globes red carpet. Suffice it to say, this is not the last time you have heard this.
Despite all of this obvious shadiness, I still feel confident in saying that Monica Garcia is still less shady and far better qualified for public office (and a second season) than any of the Trumps.
PREVIOUSLY:
Ta, Robyn. Never have I ever.
Exactly how much of our newest Real Housewife is really real?