Rudy Giuliani Sued For Being Exactly The Person We All Knew He Was

It's a story about Rudy's chram and Viagra. But you should read it anyway.

BREAKING: Rudy Giuliani a slobbering old pervert who reeks of scotch! Must credit Wonkette!

Well, to be fair, we were mostly funnin' when we made fun of America's Mayor for wandering around with his wizened peen in one hand and a highball glass in the other. But it turns out that every joke we ever made was actually FACT CHECK TRUE, according to a $10 million sexual abuse and employment complaint filed yesterday in New York state court by his former assistant Noelle Dunphy.

Here's a real, honest-to-god line from this batguano thing: "Giuliani demeaned and sexualized Margaret Thatcher and wondered about the effect she would have on his penis."

 How are we supposed to make a living writing dick jokes when this is real life? 

Okay, so let's talk about this lawsuit which is a whole hot mess of things all at once: Part political warning shot, part legal document, part PR promotion, part comic novel, part law school ethics issue spotter exam, part abuse survivor story — so if you are triggered by more or less anything, it's probably time for you to nope right out.

In January 2019, after sending Dunphy a Facebook friend request, Rudy Giuliani hired the communications flack/model as his assistant for a million dollars a year ... sort of . Explaining that he was in the midst of an "acrimonious divorce," the lawyer persuaded Dunphy to stay off the books and defer her compensation because "his 'crazy' ex-wife and her lawyers were watching his cashflow, and that his ex-wife would 'attack' and 'retaliate' against any female employee that Giuliani hired." And by "defer," he meant "I'll throw you a few thousand here or there, but you are never getting paid." But as an added perk, Giuliani promised to represent Dunphy in a domestic abuse suit she'd filed against an ex-partner, so, she accepted the job offer.

Hours later, Giuliani kissed her for the first time, and began pressuring her for sex. And he didn't stop pressuring her for almost two years:

Giuliani preferred working with Ms. Dunphy in his home (and later from hotels) so that he could easily transition from work, to demanding sexual gratification, and back to work. Thus, Ms. Dunphy worked under the virtually constant threat that Giuliani might initiate sexual contact at any moment. Although Ms. Dunphy never knew when Giuliani might force sexual contact on her, upon information and belief, his actions were premeditated because, in many instances, he had taken Viagra or similar medication beforehand in preparation.

Giuliani often demanded that she work naked, in a bikini, or in short shorts with an American flag on them that he bought for her. When they were apart, they would often work remotely via videoconference, and during those conferences Giuliani almost always asked her to remove her clothes on camera. He often called from his bed, where he was visibly touching himself under a white sheet.

Throughout the employment and attorney-client relationship, Giuliani forced Ms. Dunphy to perform oral sex on him. He often demanded oral sex while he took phone calls on speaker phone from high-profile friends and clients, including then-President Trump. Giuliani told Ms. Dunphy that he enjoyed engaging in this conduct while on the telephone because it made him “feel like Bill Clinton.”

Yeah, the entire complaint is 70 pages of this insanity, including Rudy's BDSM and incest fantasies. And while this mommyblog isn't above goosing our page-counts with salacious quotes, we're going to move on now because otherwise we'll be here all day. Suffice it to say: BLECH ICK VOMIT BRAIN BLEACH STAT.

Let's talk about this document from a political standpoint, because Rudy had his fingers in a whole lot of messy pies. And while Roodles may be functionally judgment-proof — he's already being sued by Smartmatic, Dominion, Shaye Moss and Ruby Freeman , and is suspended from the practice of law — a lot of people with money in their pockets were probably not psyched to read that this woman has 23,000 of Rudy's personal and business emails stored on her computer.

For example, Ms. Dunphy was given access to emails from, to, or concerning President Trump, the Trump family (including emails from Donald Trump, Jr., Ivanka Trump, and Eric Trump), Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner, former FBI director Louis Freeh, Trump lawyer Jay Sekulow, Secretaries of State, former aides to President Trump such as Steve Bannon, Reince Priebus, and Kellyanne Conway, former Attorneys General Michael Mukasey and Jeff Sessions, media figures such as Rupert Murdoch, Sean Hannity, and Tucker Carlson, and other notable figures including Newt Gingrich, presidential candidates for Ukraine, President Recep Tayyip Erdogan of Turkey, the Ailes family, the LeFrak family, Bernard Kerik, Igor Fruman, Lev Parnas, and attorneys Marc Mukasey, Robert Costello, Victoria Toensing, Fred Fielding, and Joe DeGenova.

Dunphy also has a shit ton of recordings, since Rudy gave her permission to record him as his assistant. So, when she says that Rudy was selling pardons for $2 million and splitting the money with Trump, maybe her intended audience isn't the guy who had to borrow cash from his pal Mike Mukasey to pay his taxes. We are just saying .

Which is not to say that her legal claims are weak! She's alleged 22 counts, including violations of New York labor laws as well as sexual abuse under the Adult Survivors Act — the same law which E. Jean Carroll used to vindicate her rights against Donald Trump in a civil suit last week. And Rudy, whom Trump appointed as a cybersecurity advisor and who was selling his services as a security consultant, left her ample evidence of his pressuring her for sex when she was too drunk to consent. Also his employee and his client, but who's counting:

Giuliani told Ms. Dunphy that he wanted her to end her domestic violence litigation because he felt it was interfering with his sex life with her, and he did not want her to be “distracted” by it. Giuliani promised Ms. Dunphy that he would give her $300,000 in exchange for her waiving her legal rights as against her abusive ex-boyfriend, and if she would “fuck me like crazy.” After realizing what he had said, Giuliani attempted to backtrack and stated, “we won’t put that last part, we’ll say for other consideration not appropriate [to] mention.” This conversation was recorded.

Well, the New York bar already suspended his license to practice, so, at some point it's just bouncing the rubble. But, uh, FUCKIN' YIKES.

So all of that is gross and upsetting, but would it surprise you to learn that Rudy is also a raging bigot who makes rude remarks about women?

 No? Oh, us neither. And we can't help but thinking that Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, and Elizabeth Warren will be relieved to learn that Giuliani is harboring no secret lust for them.

We were a little surprised to read that Rudy thinks Michael Bloomberg and Matt Damon are gay, though. But you know who is extremely NO HOMO?

Giuliani named a prominent lawyer who he believed would require $10 million for gay sex. Giuliani then insisted that he was the only one of his male friends who would turn down any amount of money to have sex with a man.

But not remotely surprised that the guy who claimed to be more Jewish than George Soros and who goes prospecting in Israel to burnish his bona fides is a little salty about Jewish penises. Also matzah balls:

Jews want to go through their freaking Passover all the time, man oh man. Get over the Passover. It was like 3,000 years ago. The red sea parted, big deal. It’s not the first time that happened.

And he's got no love for the "freakin' Arabs" either. Or Black people or Hispanics, whom he accuses of beating women because it's "in their culture."

Well, it's a lot, and none of it good. But Dunphy is going to make a boat load of money one way or the other, because either someone is going to pay her off, or she's going to sell the rights to her story.

 Gentlemen, get out your checkbooks. 

 [Lawsuit] 

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