221 Comments

If it's giving you a red flag, then you don't do it. If it would upset your other half, you don't do it. And you need to discuss it openly with your partner, your history with this person, and what you expect from your relationship with the "friend" and with your partner.

For example, my fiance has recently mentioned me she's turned on by the idea of group sex and gang bangs/glory hole sex. She wants to explore her sexuality, as she was raised in a very repressive Xtian cult like environment.

And, because I love her with all my heart, and because I want her to be happy AND become her fullest self, I support her and will help her explore this side of her sexuality, without shame. BUT...doing this requires a VERY open line of communication, and trust with each other. Unless you have that, the best choice is to keep your "friend" at arms length.

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With rare exceptions, people who ask for advice know what they are going to do, they are just seeking validation for that choice, or sometimes just want to talk or write about themselves. If they don't get an answer they want, they ignore the advice.

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You could always turn your little apartment into an Airbnb and do the occasional woodland vacation jaunt in your Little Lord Fauntleroy costume! Options!

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Weird how both these questions are relevant to me rn. I would unfortunately be the "lonely friend" to a woman I was friends with in the first scenario. I shouldn't give advice, probably, but I would avoid that situation like the plague, dude. Not only did I not get sexytime (also not what I expressed wanting from her), former friend is now my enemy. Life is très funny, eh?

As to the second, another (guy) friend was grousing today that his Subaru has high mileage but he doesn't want a car payment. On that one, I was like "ain't broke, don't fix."

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Ta, Sara. Your columns always cheer me.

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I haven't had my espresso next, so I haz struggling this morning.

Does one have to take money out of 401K to have bad sex with ego friend?

Please only post simple articles this early in the morning. And please, if they're complex like this complex one, please go in early the next morning and simplify the complex. Please.

I love you. 401K love you.

And next...... Espresso....

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One must take money out of 401k in order to have bad sex with ego friend in a new car while wearing a Little Lord Fauntleroy costume. Pay attention!

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I don’t know where to start, monogamous guy.

First of all, having a little sex with someone you like shouldn’t be an ego hit. It should be fun and exciting, maybe even passionate and exhilarating.

Your ego is problematic. She should find someone less egocentric and more empathic , not to mention more erotic.

I’d say more but my ball and chain told me to stop. That’s the fate you want to avoid.

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In that situation, even with a poly wife, I would figure her right to know had been activated.

In a monogamous relationship, never start anything you couldn't tell your primary about.

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taking money out of a 401k is seldom advisable, unless you are of retirement age, of course. I would consult with your tax person

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Dear Sara: Whenever I have the opportunity to have sex with a woman who is not my wife, I find a reason not to. She’s drunk. I’m wrong for her. I always make the right decision and withdraw, mostly with dignity. Sometimes looking indecisive. Occasionally, in retrospect, I think that I missed an opportunity to make a memory. I think it basically comes down to whether Dude feels ethically bound not to have sex out of his monogamous relationship. If he gets over that hurdle, the next question is if he feels straying will irreparably wound his mono relationship. If he gets past that (and who doesn’t tell himself lies) and thinks he can have an intimate relationship with an old and dear friend without any psychic damage to himself or either of the two women, he should go for it. The NY Times Sunday magazine had a series of short pieces on breaking the law in one way or another. One writer wrote about sleeping with her friends. She said it was sometimes emotional or complicated, but on balance she found it to be (writing from vague memory here) sexy and enjoyable and worth it. I wish I had been more like that writer in my life.

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"I sometimes get in this mood and think about selling my little apartment and running into the woods in a Little Lord Fauntleroy costume."

Awesome! Running naked into the woods while screaming incoherently at the sky is my go-to threat, whenever life is being stupid at me.

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Hiking naked in the woods and occasionally greeting a passing bird or squirrel with a mantra is my go-to calm-down-you-re-stressing-too-much cure.

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The best part about Sara's stories is what Warren Zevon said, "I thought of my friends, and the troubles they had, to keep me from thinking of mine."

Thanks, Sara and friends with troubles!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfGfiv9EgBU

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The hed pic alt-text says "woman laying on a bed reading a book". I don't see the book. Probably because Moms for Liberty burned it.

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But what is she laying? Eggs? A friend? Why is English so tricksy? Perhaps she is lying on the bed while lying to herself about wanting to lay her friend?

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Sep 2, 2023·edited Sep 2, 2023

It's an audiobook about gay llamas. Moms for Libety or Tranny turned the volume down.

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i betcha the book is on the ceiling. in a monitor screen with real big type.

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founding

Re: new cars. If you can afford the monthly payments, do it. There's nothing quite like it! Don't use the 401k though because one day the car will be used up and in the meantime you could've doubled the 401k or more towards retirement.

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When I bought my new truck in 2019, I went to the dealership with a loan guaranteed through my credit union. The day I picked it up, the salesman tore that one up and gave me an interest-free 60 month loan through Ford Credit. I still can't believe they did that. It might've been a struggle making the payments even at 4.9%, but 0% saved me a bunch every month. I have to keep myself from paying it off because there's no point other than my desire to be rid of the debt. Still, I'll pay it off in December to start 2025 in better shape.

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founding

I love zero interest loans. They started doing it about 15 years back maybe? and I’ve been using them ever since.

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I'd never heard of it before, and you can imagine my surprise!

Sadly, the dealership folded and now the closest Ford store is 120 miles away. We used to have all the Big Three manufacturers, but now the only dealership in the entire 10,000 square mile county sells Toyotas and Hondas.

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founding

That's a shame. Some day we'll be able to buy direct from Ford think.

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Still nowhere to go for warranty work, though.

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I bought my last car at 0% interest. I remember being in the office and the salesman asking me "how much of this do you want to finance?" And of course I said, with glee, "all of it."

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2024. Oops. Getting ahead of myself.

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Dear Stepping in Sticky Dude: Eh, try the blunt approach. "Are we friends, which is cool, or do you want me to step my dick in sticky, which is not cool because I am a monogamite and have forsworn all foreign dick stickiness?"

Dear Fugly Car Person: Cars are nothing but trouble anyway. Save that 401K for buying off-brand cat food to get you from retirement/permanently laid off and replaced by AI to death. You're probably only going to be able to afford a can every third day anyway, so the good news is that it won't be a long wait.

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Thumbs up. There is no substitute for a "what are we" talk.

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founding

Something I remember from back when I had a life; go through a long dry spell, when it seems you just don't appeal to anybody, much, and then the drought breaks and you're back in a committed, monogamous relationship again, and all of a sudden women who used to ignore you or ones you have been friends forever with start acting different, as if all of a sudden you have gotten waay more attractive, like your pheromone production just skyrocketed. Tempted, sure, but never let go of a bird in the hand for the prospect of two in the bush. Besides, giving in to temptation would be hurtful to your s.o., and what kind of feckless, untrustworthy prick are you, anyway?

Personally, I have yet to see a relationship with more than two people that wasn't full of more-or-less suppressed resentment, leading to nobody liking anybody much anymore. In theory it could work, but, like nuclear fusion, I have not seen any proof that it can.

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Several people my wife and I know are in decades-stable polycules, so it's definitely possible. Never heard anyone say it's easy.

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An important question Dude That Wrote In should ask is if he is sharing any of this with his partner. If it's a secret, or at least little talked about, it's definitely time to get some boundaries established.

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