Sex and Money and Emotions, Ew!
Sex and Money and Emotions, Ew!
Self-helpy AF
Welcome to an occasional advice column by me, Sara Benincasa, a person with many opinions. This column will not diagnose, prescribe, or “cure” anything at all! Hopefully, reading it will be a sweet treat for your gorgeous brain.
Think of it as a dose of loving care from your weirdly benevolent aunt, the one who wears very loud patterns and winks when she catches you doing whimsical pranks with your silly little cousins on the roof of the shed. Send questions to saratoninnewsletter@gmail.com. If I use your question, I will keep you anonymous.
I must be honest — this week had a SAUCY PREDICAMENT come through my inbox. Tee hee! What a thrill! Wonketeers are sexual sexy bombs, you see.
A friend I’ve had for 30 years has suddenly started reaching out a lot more. There are unresolved issues between us (the usual "drama" of corny romcoms) that we’ve never discussed. I suspect I’m the "in case of loneliness and sadness, break glass" guy in her life. But I’m in a monogamous relationship. How do I find the balance between being a supportive friend and not stepping into sticky territory just for the ego hit? — Dude Who Wrote In
An emotional affair is a nightmare where everybody cries and nobody cums. Also, middle-aged fuck drama is EXACTLY why I pitched Yr Editrix on this column. Just kidding! I sincerely wanted to write something that we used to call “servicey” in ye ole magazine world. YOU PEOPLES are politically engaged, and the combination of awareness, action, and emotion can be fucking draining. What better way to self-soothe than to judge an anonymous person’s life? ANYWAY, let’s dig in!
I do not mean to make light of your issue, Dude Who Wrote In. But also, I know the ways of emotional affairs. It can go from “just a good friend” to what in Mexico is called UNA FUCKYNOVELA (it is not called this anywhere) real quick! Siento que es necesario hablar con usted de manera sincera. I will now dispense loving “wisdom.”
Como puta jubilada, entiendo tu situación. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying consensual sexytime or even just a mutual hit of good vibes, etc. Many couples and throuples and polycules and giant suburban orgy conventions have various arrangements to accommodate these interests. But! You say you are monogamous. And your friendship could well become a challenging issue.
I’m not so much concerned about her intent (which we do not know) as your response to her behavior. Regardless of what she actually wants, a red flag has sprouted in your stomach and/or butt. My opinion (and I know the commenters will weigh in with their thoughts, some of which WILL be filthy) is that you ought to set boundaries for yourself around communications with her — how often you’ll respond to her; how long you’ll take before responding to her; how much time you’ll put into a response.
Some people find they have to cut themselves off from certain temptations entirely. This is easy when the temptation is a substance versus a relationship or behavior. For example, I am sober and do not keep alcohol in my home. I will purchase it if a drinking friend is coming over for dinner (a sadly rare occurrence — maybe I need to befriend your lonely friend and we can listen to Codependent No More on audiobook and watch my favorite makeup artist on YouTube, Alexandra Anele!)
But my way is not the only way or even the right way! I know other sober people who can absolutely have booze in their house ready for guests and not be tempted to touch it. Because I am not your therapist or a person who knows your behavioral patterns, I’m hesitant to say, “Dude Who Wrote In, you must go no contact with this lady!” This could actually feel quite harsh, and a gentler approach is often the better way when it comes to friendships.
I will offer that emotional affairs are truly awful, and as a Stranger On The Internet, I do not want that for you. (I will refer you to this essay I wrote for Glamour many moons ago.)
Once again, this isn’t really about her. This is about you. All we know is how YOU feel. You sound uncomfortable with the situation. That discomfort is sending a message only you can decipher — but the fact that you reached out for help shows me you’re getting ahead of the issue, and for that, I feel you are to be commended.
Now go figure out what old itch this contact with her may be scratching. And friendships do change over time, and it is always important to take good care of who you are now without trying to revert to being somebody you were ten or twenty or thirty years ago.
I would like a new car. My old one mostly works fine but I could use better transportation to work. Also, my car is ugly. Should I empty out my 401K to pay for a new car? I don’t contribute to the 401K anyway. — Also A Person Who Wrote In
I am typically not good with money but I have learned a few things over the years, and one of them is that there are usually multiple routes to paying for something that is a desire versus a need.
If this were a matter of survival, as in putting food on your table or paying for lifesaving medical care, I would say do what you gotta do. But it is not. Perhaps there’s a way to affordably lease a new or gently used vehicle. Perhaps you can trade in your old vehicle for something a little better. Perhaps you can walk, bike, or skip to work wearing a Little Lord Fauntleroy costume (I don’t know why but you should wear one maybe). Perhaps public transportation is your friend. I suspect you’re in an area without sufficient options beyond a car, but I am duty-bound to say it anyway.
I’m not worried about you. I have the feeling you wrote while in an impulsive mood while frustrated. I get it. I sometimes get in this mood and think about selling my little apartment and running into the woods in a Little Lord Fauntleroy costume. But take a deep breath, give it some time, walk around the block, take a cold shower, sleep on it, talk to sensible friends about options, and be well.
If it's giving you a red flag, then you don't do it. If it would upset your other half, you don't do it. And you need to discuss it openly with your partner, your history with this person, and what you expect from your relationship with the "friend" and with your partner.
For example, my fiance has recently mentioned me she's turned on by the idea of group sex and gang bangs/glory hole sex. She wants to explore her sexuality, as she was raised in a very repressive Xtian cult like environment.
And, because I love her with all my heart, and because I want her to be happy AND become her fullest self, I support her and will help her explore this side of her sexuality, without shame. BUT...doing this requires a VERY open line of communication, and trust with each other. Unless you have that, the best choice is to keep your "friend" at arms length.
With rare exceptions, people who ask for advice know what they are going to do, they are just seeking validation for that choice, or sometimes just want to talk or write about themselves. If they don't get an answer they want, they ignore the advice.