Sloppy Steve Bannon All Out Of Appeals

Time to make a date for prison!

Ding dong, last call, no more appeals for Osama Gin Laden! Time to strip off those three flop-sweated Orvis shirts, and make a date for prison, ya fascist-hugging fuck!

For nearly two long years, Trump’s Rasputin Steve Bannon has managed to delay, complain, and weasel his way out of serving the four-month sentence for criminal contempt he got for defying a congressional subpoena from the House January 6 Select Committee. He was found guilty by a federal jury way back in July of 2022, but got a stay on his sentence to appeal. But no more appeals now! Last week a three-judge panel of the DC Circuit Court of Appeals told him in legal language to fuck off and get rekt, and he has until until tomorrow, May 16, to come up with some last-ditch-after-the-last-ditch reason why he shouldn’t just be locked the fuck up already.

Just another passenger on the Trump-campaign-to-prison choo choo!

“I'm shocked they want to silence the voice of MAGA,” said the guy who’s hasn’t shut up for a minute with his dingdong lies and conspiracy theories on his “War Room” podcast.

And that isn’t even the end of troubles for Viktor Orban’s biggest Stan. Trump pardoned him for his part in that “WeBuildTheWall, Inc.” scam, wherein he and some buddies grifted some $15 million in donations from MAGA’s dumbest suckers to build a wall on the US/Mexican border, first as a GoFundMe and then a fake charity. They put up a few feeble miles of fence instead, then funneled most of the money to themselves, via fake invoices and made-up contracts, and Steve lounged on Guo Wengui’s yacht on Long Island Sound until the feds picked him up. 

Bannon’s fake wall co-conspirators, Brian Kolfage, Andrew Badolato and Timothy Shea, already got between three and five years in the clink for their roles. But Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg isn’t beheld to no Trump federal pardon, and he filed New York state money laundering charges against Steve. (From the looks of him, money is the only thing he launders, amirite?) Now Bannon is set to stand trial for that on September 23, in front of guess who? Why, Justice Juan Merchan! The one guy who’s surely almost as sick of these bozos as we are!

Bannon’s original trial date was 12 days from now, which would have been a fitting bookend to Trump’s porny peener fraudy fraud trial. But Merchan delayed it, expecting Trump’s trial to take longer than it is. The defense having zero witnesses or exhibits sure does speed up the pace!

In typical MAGA style, Bannon’s also been shafting his lawyers, running up and out on a $484,197 bill from Bob Costello, who also happened to have been Roodles Giuliani’s lawyer, the one who dangled a maybe-pardon to Michael Cohen and came up in court yesterday. Such a small fraudy MAGA world! 

Bannon was such a stiffer plus time-wasting dick to his own lawyers that they asked a judge to sanction him, and sued him and won. And yet Bannon still won’t pay his bills, and hired a new lawyer, Harlan Protass, to help him dick over the old lawyers. Word on the street is he’s been dodging bills from lawyer Evan Corcoran too. Guess his Chinese billionaire backer Guo Wengui’s money dried up, since Guo is about to go on trial for fraud himself in New York next week. Or maybe, more likely, Bannon just likes dicking his vendors over for the hell of it because it makes him feel powerful, a little trick he learned from one of The Big Boss’s self-help books. Gotta pinch every penny!

Welp, tough luck, fraudsters! Can’t wait to hear what date he’ll be reporting to prison. We’ll mark it on the calendar, put on our three finest shirts, roll around in slop and scent ourselves with gin for the occasion.