Right here at the outset we want to address any objections to us making jokes about what happened in the Senate yesterday with Kash Patel and the recent changes to the FBI regs that say a handful of youthful sexual dalliances with cows are no longer a dealbreaker for prospective agents.
Because that’s apparently how desperate they are for recruits. They’re scraping the bottom of the barrel so hard they’re like welp, what about the cowfuckers?
PREVIOUSLY!
If you are taking Kash Patel at face value and believing him when he says that all they did was change the rules so that somebody who was sex trafficked by wolves is not automatically disqualified from consideration, let’s have you take a look in the mirror and ask yourself if that is even reasonable. Ask yourself if you really think the FBI was automatically disqualifying people who had some terrible incident in their past where they, against their will, did something with an animal, and that Kash Patel has now solved that problem.
Because that is Kash Patel’s argument here. Then go back and read the original reporting, where multiple sources explained that no, Kash is full of shit. If we may quote our own earlier piece:
“Sources told CBS News that the new eligibility requirements do not distinguish between candidates who were coerced into sexual activity with animals, as opposed to those who engaged in such acts willingly.” Additionally, one of CBS’s sources explains that if there was some kind of terribleness in somebody’s past that might trip a wire in a polygraph test like that, there were already ways they could bring that up and flag that, as part of the process.
Obviously. If there was something that might come up in a polygraph, sources and FBI knowers explained at the time, there were ample opportunities for prospective hires to say “Listen, before this thing comes up in questioning, I need to tell you about this thing in my past.”
So let’s be clear here: Kash Patel’s FBI recently changed its regulations to allow for applicants who have sexually abused animals in the past, specifically before they were 18. Whether you think this was in response to specific animal rapists Kash Patel wanted to be allowed to work at the FBI depends on what you think Kash Patel’s social circle is really like. (Reminder that the policy changes also loosened restrictions for applicants who have hired sex workers, as long as it wasn’t more than three times, and as long as it was at least 10 years ago, and people who stole from their employers, as long is was more than three years ago. Really specific stuff and numbers.)
Also, they’re now allowing applicants to have committed animal cruelty in childhood, what kind of adults do those people tend to turn into, if not ideal MAGA law enforcement?
Now let’s watch Kash Patel try to explain to Republican Senator John Kennedy of Louisiana yesterday that nothing weird is happening, they’re just changing the rules so that people who were kidnapped by lusty bonobos in a past life are not being discriminated against in the FBI’s hiring process.
John Kennedy is a fascist and a buffoon, but this is one of those times where he’s using his folksy bullshit act (he went to Oxford) for something resembling good.
KENNEDY: What about the bestiality?
PATEL: Same thing, because the regs wrote it up in a fashion before I arrived that addressed prostitution, bestiality, and trafficking. They were there before I got there.
KENNEDY: Yes, but tell me what it said before.
PATEL: It automatically disqualified any individual who participated on either side of it. Obviously, we are never going to hire the criminal that engaged —
KENNEDY: This side of what? The bestiality?
PATEL: Yes.
KENNEDY: So, you disqualified the animal?
How many dogs weren’t allowed to work at the FBI because they got drunk one time and things got weird?
PATEL: Well, I don't think we — we have great canines, but we're not going to disqualify — […]
KENNEDY: So, I'm trying to get to the bottom of this. Why would you, in light of the context and what we're going through, and we're having a tough time attracting agents, good quality agents we all can trust, because so many people, fairly or unfairly, think that in order to be an FBI agent now, your political point of view matters?
Oh fuck off, as if we don’t know Kash Patel is on a firing spree through the FBI witch-hunting anybody who ever participated in legally and properly predicated investigations into the criminal traitor president, his trash family and associates, and his January 6 terrorists.
KENNEDY: Why would you even get into bestiality?
PATEL: We are not into bestiality, but a lot of these individuals —
“A lot of these individuals.”
Like every day at the FBI HR office, it’s just a parade of people whose most recent job was “cow brothel.”
KENNEDY: I know you're not, but you changed you changed the —
PATEL: But I'm trying to explain it.
KENNEDY: Hang on. You changed the qualifications and mentioned bestiality. So, if Joe participated in bestiality, not as the animal, but as the human, don't you think he ought to be qualified, disqualified?
“Not as the animal, but as the human.”
Want to reiterate that this is a hearing in the United States Senate with the director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
PATEL: If he voluntarily did it, sure. But if he was trafficked into it, then he should be considered.
KENNEDY: Okay, how do you involuntarily do it?
PATEL: In a lot of these cases …
No, really, Kash, how many cases are we talking about? How many of the FBI’s best and brightest next generation of Kash’s Keystone Kops used to fuck animals?
PATEL: … when human traffickers, who are some of the worst individuals on planet Earth, they don't just traffic you for prostitution, they traffic you for degrading acts of all kind, and they force you into that type of conduct. And some of these individuals would go on to be law enforcement officers who qualified to be law enforcement officers and later applied to the FBI.
KENNEDY: I mean, this didn't — these changes didn't start with you, did they?
PATEL: No.
KENNEDY: Somebody came to you and recommended?
PATEL: Yes.
KENNEDY: Yes. And when you saw bestiality, I say this with respect, the person who recommended it, why didn't you just say, what planet did you parachute in from? Why do I want to lead with —
PATEL: Well, that was my initial response —
KENNEDY: Why do I want to lead with my chin and get into bestiality?
PATEL: That was my initial response, Senator. But they then explained to me and showed me cases in which people were forced into it and had applied to the FBI, and so I thought they should be considered. It's not an automatic disqualification. That's all.
Because they were your friends, or they were J6 terrorists, or they were pure MAGA loyalists in every way, just absolutely ideal, except for how they raped an assortment of family pets? So curious!
Because again, Kash is lying about all of this, they did not change the regs to at long last allow victims of sex trafficking that involved bestiality to work at the FBI.
He had already been through that this very hearing with questioning from Sen. Dick Durbin, who pointed out that the new regulations say “engaged in bestiality” instead of “victim of bestiality,” which Kash explained “engaged in” means “victim of” and called Dick Durbin a liar. It was real weird!
KENNEDY: Okay. All right, I think I understand. But you're not telling us today that if a human being had sex with an animal, that they can still be an FBI agent.
PATEL: No.
KENNEDY: Are you?
PATEL: No.
KENNEDY: They can't be, can they?
PATEL: They cannot.
KENNEDY: In fact, they ought to be in jail, right?
PATEL: They all are.
KENNEDY: Yes. Well, okay.
Uh huh, you betcha, sure.
Again, we raise our suspicions that this was in response to a specific candidate or pool of them.
In summary and in conclusion, enjoy this compilation of clips of Patel queening out and demanding the hearing be adjourned when senators asked him about reports of his misuse of SWAT teams to protect his dumb girlfriend.
Serious man. Reeeeeeal serious man.
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…I have to name this week’s cocktail “The Lusty Bonobo” now, don’t I?
The puzzled and slightly appalled Senator Leghorn, DID, however vote to confirm this shit. Live with that, Foghorn.