Ssecretary Of WAR [Sic!] Pete Hegseth [Hic!] Struggling To Get Boat Murder Story Straight, Day Four
Oh, and Matt Gaetz is doing journalism now.
Just who, exactly, ordered and did those alleged WAR CRIMES and/or mass murders off the coast of Venezuela? That revolting “KILL EVERYBODY” ambush allegedly followed by finishing off of two defenseless civilians who survived and were clinging to the smoldering wreckage of a boat? With the threat of congressional hearings looming, Donald Trump and Pete Hegseth are still passing around that bloody buck!
Since the Washington Post’s story broke Friday, they’ve been spasming through the stanzas of the narcissist’s prayer. It didn’t happen! But if it did, it was no big deal, and the boaters deserved it. If it happened, Trump didn’t know, but Pete Hegseth didn’t do it! And under the bus tires went Admiral Frank M. “Mitch” Bradley, head of the military’s Special Operations Command.
And then on Tuesday the Pentagon put on a public relations offensive, starting with a kiddie-training-wheels news conference overseen by the 26-ish-year-old Pentagon press secretary, facing hand-chosen MAGA ass-kissers.
That was later followed by a “Cabinet Meeting”-styled press conference, where Prettyboy Pete sat at the president’s left hand, behind a nametag that read “SSECRETARY OF WAR,” I shit you not. Even his place tag is drunk! Or maybe it was supposed to be ⚡️⚡️ecretary! Get it??
And the ssecretary came up with a new explanation for gullible idiots to swallow about what happened on September 2. Watch if you can stand it!
Like Yoda Trump looks, yikes. Or some kind of a tropical lizard.
Anyway, Hegseth, who’d claimed he watched the whole thing live, is now claiming he “didn’t stick around” for the actual strike. Because he had something more important to attend to, we guess. Drainin’ the main vein, maybe! Some LEADERSHIP! But he didn’t remember seeing any survivors, because “fog of war,” and also he says Admiral Bradley totally made that decision to finish the killing, which was the RIGHT DECISION.
Oh hey, did Hegseth just now admit that the incident actually did happen? Fog of war, more like the tinkle-trickle of truth!
“I did not personally see survivors. The thing was on fire. This is called the fog of war. This is what you in the press don’t understand. You sit in your air conditioned offices and plant fake stories in the Washington Post.”
“Fog of war” refers to a disorienting lack of situational awareness in battle, because complex things are happening so quickly that it overwhelms the capability of the human mind to comprehend. But these brave warriors are not in some trench on the Maginot Line, they’re sitting in a command center on a ship miles away, deploying drones. All they have to do is look at a screen and push the button to pew pew, like a video game.
In fact, Hegseth himself was just telling the House Armed Services Committee behind closed doors last month that he didn’t need no stinking war powers resolution for Operation Normal Sized Wanglet because the targets had no way to strike back at American soldiers. Some enemy combatants!
Or maybe he meant literal fog? The vessel “exploded in fire, smoke, you can’t see anything.” So the boat was disabled, being on fire and all, yet Admiral Bradley just kept on bombing at what he couldn’t see? That there’s some quality bombing. How did he ever know to stop bombing? Maybe he is still down there bombing the same spot to this very day.
But MAGA did not grow to become the movement it is today by Trump misunderestimating the stupidity of his base, which seems to sincerely believe that these tiny boats are going to America, though they could not make it to even Puerto Rico without getting gas. Or that Donald Trump, guy who keeps pardoning drug dealers, gives one actual crap about drugs. Which are not coming from Venezuela in the first place.
Hegseth could settle this all real quick and post the whole clip like he has with the rest of his snuff films.
Fortunately, Hegseth also said that now he doesn’t have to blow up any more boats, because the bombings worked and now the drug boats are all gone! And if they aren’t, that is surely also Joe Biden’s fault.
As we mentioned, there was also a first part to Pentagon’s Tuesday charm offensive, a very special press conference with Pentagon press spokeslady Kingsley Wilson, age 26, facing a cast of of “new media” cartoon characters who ARE TOO REAL JOURNALISTS. It’s just that, as Wilson har har-ed, “legacy media” has “self-deported” from the building! Oh, Kingsley, you are surely the life of Butterworth’s.
What a lineup! There was Matt Gaetz, on behalf of One America News Network. He showed up wearing his old congressional jacket, the lining all pilled, just in case somebody might have forgotten who he was. He does seem to be the only man in the entire room capable of actually tying a tie, though.
No need for the jacket, we remember you, Matt Gaetz! You’re the guy who Venmo-ed cash to teenagers for sex, allegedly, including a homeless one saving up for braces, then Trump pulled your nomination for attorney general because even Republicans have a bar, down around near hell.
And there was Laura Loomer, who made angry noises about the Qataris.
And oh boy, there was the old dildo boat captain himself, James O’Keefe, at the 14-minute-mark up there, worried about disloyalists on the inside. What a time to be alive.
So what did all these dildo boats at the press scrum for unfuckables learn? Not much, because Wilson does not know much! She claimed that the boat strikes were “presidentially directed,” which will surely come as news to the president who’s been denying all knowledge of them for the past five days.
Also the Pentagon is making a new position for secretary of marketing, LOL. That is now more important to have than, say, people who know military law. Also there’s an investigation going on as to why the pullout of Afghanistan that Trump ordered was Joe Biden’s fault and led to the shooting of two National Guard Members, and that dossier will be concluded in 2026. Thank goodness.
Will all these lies lead to consequences for Pete and/or the Admiral, and the one who started every mess all over the entire world, rascally Joe Biden?
And will Congress step in before Joe Biden murders again? Stay tuned!
[AP]
Donate to help keep Wonkette going!
I am so goddamn tired of living in a country overseen by the absolute dumbest cretins known to man.
The amazing hypocrisy of Trump defending war crimes in order to "save lives" by "stopping drug ships" the SAME DAY he let the largest cocaine dealer from Honduras off with a pardon is mind boggling.