Suppose They Held A Trucker Convoy And Nobody Came

Big Riggers are taking a hard pass on Eagle Pass.

Push-up bras, peanut butter, insulin, and the game of basketball are among many Canadian inventions we don't get nearly enough credit for, but at least one of the country's dumber contributions to current world events is failing to gain much traction.

Multiple MAGA attempts to mobilize massive tractor-trailers like the ones used in the so-called Freedom Convoy, where misguided mouth-breathers used as many as 200 commercial vehicles to blockade two major border crossings as well as the capital city of Ottawa in 2022, have mostly fallen flatter than raccoon roadkill.

The ongoing Derpapalooza at locations along the US/Mexico border, where the usual suspects have gathered to air grievances, terrorize locals, and cosplay as Chuck Norris, haven't managed to get many actual truckers to join them, forcing these idiots to careen around in their gussied-up F150s and Dodge Rams instead as their personal contributions to the Forever Border Crisis.

Which must really grind their gears, as Peter Griffin might say.

A generic social media site user posted a photo of the alleged convoy in its early stages:

“Guys, this is the fucking convoy. That's it. Not a single semi truck in site. 19 vehicles. Anything other images you are seeing of a large group of trucks is from 2022 #Convoy”

Long-haul truckers are a bit like modern-day cowboys to a certain kind of guy. While even the highest-paid Semi professionals earn less than six figures, they retain a mystique as free-spirited manly men who are their own boss and travel the open roads of America in search of adventure. Also their vehicles are really, really big and go VROOOM and HOOONNK! Optimus Prime probably wouldn't be the top dog of the Transformers franchise if he transformed into, say, an RV or a Zamboni instead of an 18-wheeler. Plus truckers even have their own special hats!

One of these certain kind of guys is, of course, That Fucking Guy.

Remember that cringe moment from the early days of Donald Trump’s reign of error when he hopped aboard a Mack truck and pretended to drive it? The giant toddler simply couldn't resist the temptation to play trucker despite the fact he probably doesn't even know how to drive. This is, after all, a man who once tried to commandeer a Secret Service SUV from the back seat, and may well think that’s what the term “backseat driver” actually means. White House staffers even had to throw a special truck parade once to help soothe him after one of his tantrums.

The whole trucker craze first began in the '70s with a string of films such as Smokey & the Bandit, Breaker Breaker, White Line Fever, and Convoy. (Fun fact: Optimus Prime is known as Konboi, or Convoy, in Japan, where he is big.) The advent of CB radios made what must otherwise have been a lonely and dreary job into something resembling a fun community of outside-the-law types, and there was even briefly a weird subgenre where drivers had simian sidekicks, with not one but two Clint Eastwood movies co-starring an orangutan as well as a hit TV show called “B.J. and the Bear” where a man and his pet chimpanzee solved crimes and rescued sexy damsels-in-distress together.

Sadly, Stanley Kubrick never directed an episode of B.J. and the Bear

At this point, if bonafide truckers were to start showing up, they'd surely be accused of being undercover FBI agents there as part of some sort of psy-op. While it's nice to imagine they're staying away because they don't want their profession to become further associated with these violent whackadoodles, some of whom are no doubt there hoping to see even more women and children drown while attempting to cross the Rio Grande, it's more likely they’re simply too busy being truckers.

As mentioned, a big-rig gig doesn't pay particularly well, and odds are they’re more invested in paying their bills now that seemingly everything costs twice as much as it did a couple of years ago.

(Not Yr Wonkette though, which is still a free-for-all although you're more than welcome to toss coins into the money hole if you’ve got some to spare.)

My own pet theory as to why there were so many more tractor-trailers at the Canadian protests is simply because there wasn't a whole hell of a lot going on in the middle of the pandemic, and a lot of truckers sitting around with their thumbs up their asses were receiving CERB, the Trudeaubucks initiative to pay people to stay home during the worst days of COVID, or at least unemployment benefits.

Cashing an emergency federal government check to then go kick and scream about emergency federal government policies curtailing your personal freedom is the kind of thing you’re free to do in a communist hellhole like Canuckistan.

For now.

Over and out, good buddies.

Your aspiring new Canadian boyfriend stubbornly remains on the generic social media site in the faint hope George Soros and/or Taylor Swift might someday buy it and turn the ship around.