So it looks like Taylor Swift is dating Travis Kelce.
If you don’t know who Travis Kelce is, he participates in American football for the Kansas City Chiefs, who won the Super Bowl earlier this year! He performs the position of “tight end.” If you are not familiar with Taylor Swift, you are very out of touch with life and you should go sitting somewhere else.
There had been rumors! And then last night, there Tay-Tay was in Arrowhead Stadium in the box with Mother Kelce. The Chiefs had a very big 41-10 win over the Chicago Bears. It was 34-0 at halftime. Just a blowout. Taylor screamed “LET’S FUCKING GO!” upon observing an early touchdown from her ostensible beau.
They left together. In a post-game interview, QB Patrick Mahomes — our personal imaginary football boyfriend, get OFF him, everyone else — talked about the pressure he felt to get a touchdown pass to Kelce what with Taylor Swift in the house.
It was all cute. If you don’t care, that’s fine. Not caring is an option. Or thinking it’s cute is an option. Whatever.
What’s weird is being mad. And that is what MAGA idiots are right now. They are mad at Travis Kelce, they are mad at Taylor Swift (Traylor? Swelce?), they are mad at everything.
Here’s weirdo MAGA pundit figure Clay Travis, expressing his anal glands:
“Travis Kelce is doing Bud Light and covid shot commercials. He needs to fire all his marketing agents. Or he needs to just go ahead and cut his dick off, become a chick, and endorse Joe Biden.”
Wow, that is some coping, seething anger right there. Bud Light and Covid shots? Surely our founding fathers never anticipated such levels of betrayal.
Of course, he’s doubling down all over the place, trying to convince himself and his MAGA followers that they don’t look like lunatics, everybody else looks like lunatics.
Tim Miller from The Bulwark bodied him, noting how utterly strange it is that for MAGA men, “winning the Super Bowl, getting paid to shill beer and getting it on with the most famous woman in the world” could be considered “Gay, Beta,” as opposed to … whatever MAGA men are.
Travis’s website OutKick, which we had always assumed was a gay sports website — guess we were wrong — published a bizarrely angry post about “The Best Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce Memes.” Here is the (seething, enraged, furious) lede:
OMG…Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are dating and she came to his game against the Bears and it was a blowout and OMG they cut to Taylor after Travis Kelce caught a token touchdown in a massive blowout of the Bears AND IT WAS JUST THE PERFECT SUNDAY LIKE EVER!
The writer explained that they DON’T CARE, but they are only doing this for clicks, because “business is business.”
‘Kay.
Surprise, a number of the “best” memes, per Outkick, are ones that refer to Taylor Swift as a “6,” or the one that says “Chiefs star players dating mid white women.”
Oh, and this one, from the (unintentionally?) hilarious Nick Adams (Alpha Male) account, which is (probably?) a bit:
“Look how far he’s fallen.” Sure, you bet.
The writer of the OutKick post tweeted it out, sneering that “I made a post for your wife.” Travis retweeted it.
You know, for your wife. (Who would probably rather watch Kelce and Swift do it than suffer another night sleeping next to a MAGA dude, if we’re being real here.)
Of course, Charlie Kirk felt the need to weigh in:
“What will break Kelce’s heart first?
The COVID shot or Taylor Swift?”
What a peculiar boy.
And of course in these MAGA guys’ comments, incels, shut-ins and other Nazis are cheering these hysterical lib-owning jokes. “Oooof. This one might win the internet today,” said one to Charlie, with not one but two sideways laughing-until-crying emojis, which we all know signifies that the tweeter is angrier than they have ever been.
Just a bunch of totally normal guys who are all feeling extra-secure about their masculinity today, as they make fun of the guy who won the Super Bowl for getting a vaccine and (probably) dating one of the most powerful women in the world, who took a break from her billions-grossing most successful concert tour of all time to watch football from some really good seats.
Just a bunch of totally normal guys once again mad at a dominant American culture that does not give a shit if they live or die.
Isn’t that what this is really about?
Isn’t a lot of this because so many of these guys still feel extremely personally rejected by Taylor Swift, from back in 2018 when she deflated all their little Nazi erectile dysfunction fantasies about her secretly being one of them?
You know that scene toward the end of season two of “Ted Lasso,” where — trying to say this without spoilers if you haven’t seen it — Roy Kent is furious with Jamie Tartt for something he did, and Nate Shelley really really really wants Roy to be mad at him for a similar thing, but Roy is just like “It’s OK, you made a mistake” and that just makes Nate seethe even more?
All of these guys are giving off Big Nate Energy right now. (IYKYK.)
They’re probably also mad Taylor Swift just registered 35,000 voters last Tuesday by clicking “post” on Instagram, and will register tens of thousands more, maybe hundreds of thousands, maybe millions, before the 2024 election. Wonder who the Swifties are voting for.
A few weeks ago, some lower-tier dumbass from Charlie Kirk’s outfit tried to claim Swift only came out as a Democrat in 2018 to “revive her career.” We doubt she heard about it, as she’s been pretty busy adding billions of dollars to the worldwide economy.
Maybe she has a new boyfriend too.
If all this upsets you, well.
Well.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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So playing football, drinking beer, and dating hot chicks makes you gay now?
Boy, even with the utter insanity that is MAGAland I can’t really say I saw THAT one coming.
Honestly?
I'm more impressed with video of her picking up their bottles and trash from the box herself instead of letting 'the little people' do it.