Ted Cruz: Regular Guy Who Drinks Beer And Not Even Everybody Wants To Punch Him In The Face
Just regular old Ted at the end of the bar!
Have y’all heard the new lie from the washing machines/gas stoves genre about what Joe Biden is going to steal from us next? Biden is now going to hold us down and force us to only have two beers per week. (Probably Bud Light!) Idiot boy Peter Doocy asked about it at the White House the other day and Karine Jean-Pierre was like Jesus, what?
It’s not even halfway based on something real. And quite frankly it’s not worth explaining. It’s too fucking stupid to occupy space in your brain. If you for some reason care — or, like, if you’re just surrounded by lunatics and you want to know whey they’re writing “GIVE ME LIBRUTY OR GIVE ME BEERS” in poo on the wall — click the link in the last graf.
But because Republicans are pant-shitting fucking babies who are scared of literally everything, we guess it’s a potent issue for Ted Cruz to go on Newsmax and make absolutely the most cringe-inducing Ted Cruz clip ever made by any Ted Cruz in the allegedly human history of Ted Cruzes. We really don’t know if we’ve ever seen him more pathetic.
It is Ted Cruz, flanked by regular guys at the bar, who were somehow conscripted into pretending they were “just one of the guys” with Ted Cruz. You know, because Ted Cruz really blends in with that crowd.
(They are probably all gay theater majors. Or just old gay bears at some kind of Republican country-western gay bar.)
And Ted Cruz SAYS A SWEAR. He says that if Joe Biden tries to come get his beer, you can KISS MY ASS.
Hey remember that time Ted Cruz pretended to be all mad because Donald Trump was calling his wife ugly and calling his dad a JFK murderer, and then he immediately spent the next four years worshiping Donald Trump and combing the hairs on Trump’s toes? This is more fake than all that.
Just watch the video, we don’t even know what else to say to set it up.
Here is a brief transcript with our notes and clarifications added:
CRUZ: And now these idiots have come out and said drink two beers a week
(No they haven’t.)
CRUZ: That’s their guideline.
(No it isn’t.)
CRUZ: Well I’ve gotta tell you if they want us to drink two beers a week, frankly they can KISS MY ASS!
Nerd weirdo Newsmax dude Eric Bolling was like huh, well, OK, and took a swig of a non-alcoholic beer with Ted in “solidarity.”
Cruz even made a tweet, wherein he added a second cuss, the D-word, to emphasize how much they could kiss his A.
Honestly, we just want to know how long it took Ted and his totally real lumberjack construction guy blue collar friends to rehearse the scene. “OK, I’m going to say KISS MY A-WORD, and then we all drink together. Got it? It’s A-WORD and then drink.”
And some bubba is like “Wait, is that drink then A-word?”
And Ted is like “No it’s A-WORD then drink.”
And then he has a diva conniption because the guys aren’t taking his choreography seriously and stomps off to his trailer and won’t come out for six hours.
Seriously, we think it’s the fakest we’ve ever seen Ted. It’s more fake than that time he tried to pretend he felt bad for jetting off to Cancun while his constituents were freezing to death.
It’s like he started learning some hip new language on Duolingo last night called “Notapussy” and he already thinks he’s fluent.
Unfuckingbelievable.
Oh well, the end.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
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Obligatory Fuck Ted Cruz.
Whinestone Cowboy.