Tennessee Congressman Innocently Asking If Underwater Aliens Want To Steal Our Essence

We're supposed to take these people seriously, we think?

Photo courtesy of Yr Doktor Zoom, who didn’t flinch when we asked if he could put Burchett’s head on an alien water tentacle from “The Abyss.”

Is Rep. Tim Burchett (R-TN) okay? The last we heard from him, he was telling CNN he lives in his Capitol Hill office and doesn’t like to leave because he’s too terrified of crime to walk around Washington DC. “It’s too dadgum dangerous, brother!” he told a grim-faced John Berman, who must have been wondering what horrific act he had perpetrated in a past life to deserve his job in this one.

Or at least Burchett was too terrified of crime, before Our Sun and All the Stars in Heaven Donald Trump cleaned up Washington and sent all the criminals away. Now the city is safe again for Tim Burchett to wander its streets in broad daylight while muttering about intelligent aliens who live in the deepest depths of the Earth’s oceans and cruise around in “underwater craft” that can reach speeds of hundreds of miles per hour.

Wait, what?

Whew, what a relief Trump has cleaned up the streets. We hate it when we visit DC and are accosted by weirdos yelling their hallucinations from atop every subway grate in the city. If we want that, we can go to Congress, apparently. Though to be fair, we knew that even before Trump sent the National Guard to stand around with its collective thumb up its collective asshole, when it wasn’t busy picking up trash and mulching flower beds in public spaces.

Yr Wonkette has so very many questions about this little video clip.

1. Did Burchett recently get high and watch James Cameron’s The Abyss?

2. Did Burchett recently get high, watch James Cameron’s The Abyss, and think “Whoa, this is one dagburn heck of a documentary! Why ain’t I done never heard about these cornfounding water aliens before?”

3. Did Burchett even know there was another person there while he was talking?

4. Will Burchett take this into the natural mashup of Cameron movies and start a congressional investigation to prove the Titanic sank after colliding not with an iceberg, but with a high-speed alien watercraft?

We could probably come up with a whole bunch of other questions, but we’ve already spent entirely too much of our morning wondering if Tim Burchett’s staff should be worried about him.

That video was filmed a few days after the House Oversight Committee’s Task Force on the Declassification of Federal Secrets held a hearing on the existence of unidentified anomalous phenomena, or UAPs, which is apparently what we’re supposed to call UFOs now. The hearing was led by Rep. Anna Paulina Luna of Florida, a hardcore Trumpist who once worked for Turning Point USA and claims the 2020 election was stolen due to election fraud. So her “I believe in total bullshit that was once mostly the province of conspiracy theorists and Art Bell” credentials are well-established.

We Secretly Replaced This GOP Rep's Bible With 'X-Files' DVD Box Set! Here's What Happened.

Florida Republican Concerned About Aliens. No, Not The Real Kind.

Luna has long been on the “the government is hiding evidence of aliens” beat. Chasing UAPs lets Luna indulge in all sorts of theorizing, such as last week after the House hearing when she told Joe Rogan that the government has evidence of “interdimensional beings” that can “operate through the time spaces that we currently have.” Whatever in the actual fuck that means.

Was Burchett at Luna’s hearing? You bet your goldang Southern-fried butt he was! Starting at around the 01:29:50 mark of this video:

What did we learn from watching Burchett’s five minutes? Well, he can’t even take a coonlicking jar of honey on a plane, and he’s plumb bitter about it.

Later, around the 2:40:00 mark, we learned that Burchett thinks info about UAPs is being hidden by private contractors who don’t want to share the energy sources of all these mysterious objects with the public because then billionaires couldn’t get rich off of all the energy sources we have, by which he presumably means oil, we guess? So “they” have to discredit people like the witnesses at the hearing who are convinced the government is hiding something, and dang if he's not just cockpissing mad about the whole durn thing.

At least that’s what we think he was saying after we watched that segment about 17 times. It’s not what you might call “understandable” or “coherent.” At least his rantings about underwater aliens seem to have some shape to them.

We have a long-running debate at Wonkette about how seriously to take all this stuff, with some of us being on the “yes UFOs are real” side, some of us being on the “Eh, we’ll believe it when Lrrr from the Planet Omicron Persei 8 lands on our lawn” side, and some of us being on the “Tim Burchett’s staff should check his office for gas leaks, especially because he apparently spends all his time there” side. That last one is a relatively new angle to the debate.

But one thing we can all agree on, we think, is that it is better for America if mediocrities like Burchett and Luna that Tennessee and Florida have stuck us with want to spend their time on this “ZOMG ALIENS EXIST” stuff instead of doing fascism. So, silver linings and all that.

[Bluesky / House Oversight / YouTube]

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