Texas Bill Will Ban 'Furries' In Schools Because No Dumb Conspiracy Ever Dies

It's an anti-trans messaging bill, anyway. Those never go out of style.

Any day with a Nichijou screenshot is a good day.

Just to demonstrate that no truly stupid idea ever goes away, a Texas Republican lawmaker, state Rep. Stan Gerdes, has introduced a bill to prohibit “non-human behavior” by kids in public schools, because apparently he either 1) believes there are actually kids being given litter boxes to poop in; 2) is literally stuck in a time warp from 2022-23; or 3) believes it will get him attention and donations from rubes who think option 1 is real. (We initially wrote “#1,” but that’s what the kitty litter is for.)

We assume the astute readers of Wonkette, at least three-quarters of whom are furries anyway, already know that the rightwing freakout over “kids identifying as animals” is simply an ugly myth that was made up to mock transgender folks. It’s very much a fake outrage based on the idea that trans identity is as absurd as insisting you’re a cat.

Of course, in the real world, outside the rightwing bubble, there aren’t any children insisting they’re animals (beyond the occasional very imaginative preschooler for a few days). But there are trans kids and adults, and they stubbornly insist on existing even if you torture them with “conversion therapy” or make it impossible for them to access life-saving gender affirming care.

Texas has already banned gender-affirming care for minors, and seeks to relentlessly pursue parents and medical providers who help trans kids, so apparently, with nothing else left to ban, Rep. Gerdes decided to address the nonexistent threat of furries in schools. Goofy teens hopped up on anime and clowning around might lead to dancing, for gosh sakes.

Gerdes even came up with a clever acronym for his bill, calling it the “Forbidding Unlawful Representation of Roleplaying in Education (F.U.R.R.I.E.S) Act, which you have to admit is more memorable than “Texas HB 4814 (2025).” So the hell with Gerdes, we’re calling it HB 4814.

The bill would amend Texas’s education code to prohibit “any non-human behavior by a student, including presenting himself or herself … as anything other than a human being.”

There are exceptions for school mascots, Halloween, school plays, and school dress-up days, just as long as there are no more than five such days in a school year, and the days are themed around “an era in human history,” a holiday, or a school event. So Fifties Day is fine, and we assume kids could dress as Nixon’s little dog Checkers or the late cosmonaut dog Laika.

But there’s one more disqualifier, because this Gerdes dipshit or whoever helped him write the bill really thought this stuff through, and wanted to rule out sneaky loopholes from pro-furry educators: Those theme days absolutely must NOT be “solely or primarily related to the history or celebration of a biological or artificial species other than homo sapiens.” This is a blatant swipe at I Am Not A Human Being, I Am An Animal Day, on which we atone for the sufferings of Oswald Cobblepot.

The bill explains that “non-human behavior” means “any type of behavior or accessory displayed by a student in a school district other than behaviors or accessories typically displayed by a member of the homo sapiens species,” and the examples of course lead off with those goddamn litter boxes, which may not be used for “the passing of stool, urine, or other human byproducts.”

Here is where we remind you that the grain of sand of truth in these fucking “child furry” stories is that some schools keep kitty litter on hand in the case of children being locked down in their rooms because of a school shooter, which Texas has done less than nothing about.

Ha. Ha. Fuck you Texas, and fuck you Rep. Gerdes.

Also banned are tails, leashes, collars, or other pet accessories; fur, “artificial, animal-like ears”; and “other physiological features that have not historically been assigned to the homo sapiens species through a means of natural biological development,” which comes perilously close to endorsing evolution, egad. And to be on the safe side, such non-human accoutrements are banned whether they’re simply worn, or “through surgical means,” because wouldn’t it be just like a Woke Lib to have a doctor add a long striped tail to their child, oh won’t someone please think of the children?

To cover all the bases, banned behaviors include “licking oneself or others for the purpose of grooming or maintenance,” so kids with a cowlick on photo day will have to find a comb, not lick a couple fingers to smooth it out.

And just try enforcing this in a middle school: The list also bans “barking, meowing, hissing, or other animal noises that are not human speech,” although it appears agnostic on making armpit farts.

Students could face penalties including suspension or even expulsion, since the anti-furry stuff is shoehorned into a section of the state education law that prohibits real things like bullying, sexual harassment, and threats of violence. Talking about shooting up your school, wearing a cat ear headband and clip-on tail, both are bad.

This gets especially gross when the bill addresses adult conduct: A completely serious list of prohibitions on causing or allowing kids to be harmed by bullying, assault, neglect, sexual assault, and the like suddenly has added to it the crime of “allowing or encouraging the child to develop a dependance (sic) on or a belief that non-human behaviors are societally acceptable.” Violations of that last could bring a penalty of $10,000 for a first offense, $25,000 for subsequent criming.

None of these pretended threats is real, but in a speech to a group of pastors in Austin Thursday, Gov. Greg Abbott endorsed HB 4814, claiming that the furry threat is “alive and well” in schools, and needs to be snuffed out by legislation.

“In some small rural sections of school districts in the state of Texas, they have in their schools, what are called furries. Y'all know what this is?” Abbott asked the crowd, which responded with a smattering of “yeahs.”

“Kids go to school dressed up as cats with litter boxes in their classrooms,” Abbott said.

Abbott insisted that he knew of cases in two rural school districts that parents had complained about, but didn’t name them. Just one more reason that the crazy radicals in Texas education must be brought to heel. But if they’re wearing dog fursuits, they just might like that.

OK, that’s enough of that nonsense. Here’s much nicer nonsense, from the wonderful absurdist anime Nichijou. Enjoy 8-year-old genius inventor Hakase Shinonome and her robot housekeeper Nano just saying “It’s me-ow!” and “It’s cute!” to each other again and again. This is the future libs want.

What IS this world coming to?

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Nebraska State Senator Real Worried Schools Are Making Kids Pretend They’re Cats

Republicans Don't Understand What Furries Are, And That Should Tell Us Everything

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[Texas HB 4814 (PDF link) / Houston Chronicle / NBC News]

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