The Ballad Of Benny Johnson And Big Balls
And who shall wear the robe and crown? Big Balls, show me the way!
This Washington DC thing has really created a safe space for white conservative men to talk about what total chickenshit microdick loser babies they are, how easily startled, how their heart rates increase when they see a Black person, the best places to wait for an Uber if they’re at a party and their friends leave and suddenly they’re all alone in the mean, gritty city.
Chief chickenshit microdick loser baby Pete Hegseth — the one with the little tough guy white prison gang tattoo decorations — showed us how he finds comfort in imagining that everybody else out there is just as much of a Conservative Guy Scared Of Cities costume as he is, they’re just not WARFIGHTER BRAVE enough to say it out loud. Thank you for sharing with the group, Pete Hegseth.
GOP Senator Rick Scott shared how he tells his guests to be fearful, be careful on the street, be careful on the sidewalk, be home by sundown, probably don’t even come to DC if you don’t want to die! Rick Scott, thank you for being so vulnerable.
Greg Gutfeld is imagining the takeover expanding to Baltimore and Chicago, so we guess those cities scare him too. Clay Travis of the gay soccer porn MAGA sports website OutKick is fantasizing about DC being a test case for every other city that’s ever scared him.
Charlie Kirk wants “to be able to walk the Magnificent Mile in Chicago without looking over my shoulder.” (Pussy ass bitch, we personally fucking did that last month. Walked around The Loop back to our hotel from a bar late at night by ourselves too, OOOOOWEEE SCARY!)
Charlie is scared of having a fender bender in Chicago because the teens will hurt him and take his car. Charlie can’t walk in San Francisco at night. Charlie needs Daddy Trump to turn the US military against everything and everybody who scares him, and no more exemptions for the specific skin colors that scare him the most!
“We are all citizens made in the image of God. Oh, you're protected class because, you know, different skin color. Wrong. That regime was defeated back in November. That whole worldview was gone. Over. Done. Kaput. Sayonara.”
Wow, Charlie, that worldview is over in English, German and Japanese? It must be really over then!
Megyn Kelly isn’t a white conservative man, but we’ll let her be trans for the purposes of this post, because she would hate that. She wants the US military to attack the South Side of Chicago, because she says it’s unfair for Michigan Avenue to be so safe — you know Michigan Avenue, where Charlie is so scared, because he’s a little bitch — but not the South Side. The fact that she’s calling for martial law gets in the way of any progressive or human argument she might have made, don’t you worry.
Which brings us to poor Benny Johnson, who shared a lot in group this week about everything that’s happened to him in DC. After a whole thing on his show about how it’s divinely appointed that DC be the seat of western civilization, and must be “swept clean” to preserve his racist fantasies of what DC means, he said (you’ll have to watch at Media Matters, it’s not embedding):
BENNY: I believe entire neighborhoods, probably, need to be emptied, need to be bulldozed. I believe that there are places that are so crime-ridden and so infested that you just need to — like you're just gonna have to crack down. You're going to have to do the job, and you're going to have to get the crime out of Washington. That's my personal experience.
Don't believe the bullshit that you hear online from some reporters. Oh, crime's down in DC. Well, my infant nearly died in a drug fire after mass shootings. So, no, DC is not safe, and I can tell you this as a matter of fact. It is one of the worst, most racist, narco states and welfare states imaginable. In that neighborhood that I would walk every single day, racial epithets were screamed at us. Rocks were thrown at us because we were white people. This is a — this city is a sunken place. It is an unsafe place. I mean, if that's what happens to me, imagine what happens to somebody who's, like, visiting here from a foreign country. Right? It's totally and wholly unsafe and a scar on the face of our country, and it must be healed. And President Trump is going about that heavy work.
OK wait, let’s get this straight. Benny Johnson says “entire neighborhoods” need to be “emptied, need to be bulldozed.” (Kalorama? Woodland Normanstone? Georgetown? Which ones, Benny?)
And he says this is because … his baby almost died in a drug fire and DC is a narco state and everybody used to yell racism at him everyday — it was probably like “Show us your boobs, Caucasian!” — and they threw rocks at him, and if this happened to Benny, imagine what happens to everyone else!
Hmmmm.
We should probably note that Benny Johnson is a serial plagiarist and this could be maybe the plot of a movie he watched. Perhaps he watched DC Drug Fire Gonna Kill Your White Baby, Honky the night before and it kept him awake.
We should probably also note that Benny Johnson was literally on the payroll of Russia during the 2024 election cycle, to create content pleasing to Russia, though he swears he had no idea whose dick he was really sucking there. We guess he just had that special something they were looking for.
So it’s possible Benny Johnson simply has no moral compass and a history of lying about just about everything and that he thought making up fantastical stories about getting rocks thrown at him and his house set on fire would really help set Trump’s fascist narrative forward.
Of course, if all that stuff happened, we’re forced to wonder if the problem wasn’t DC, but rather Benny. Just saying.
Regardless, Benny was apparently so confident of his story that he told it to the White House press room’s own Nazi Fillers Barbie, Karoline Leavitt, when she called on him (first) in yesterday’s briefing. (Why wouldn’t Benny Johnson be in the press room and get called on first? Nothing matters anymore in this rapidly imploding, beclowned, hegemonic superpower.)
Uh huh.
And having explained all the times he was personally victimized and set on fire and the dingo stole his baby and honey I shrunk the kids, Benny asked Nazi Fillers Barbie a question about another recent white conservative victim of DC’s crime wave, the gigantic misshapen head of DOGE’s Big Balls AKA Edward Coristine, who got beat up by a 15-year-old girl and her friend, the reason for this whole Reichstag Fire.
Is Donald Trump gonna give Big Balls the medal of freedom?
“Given the heroic actions of a member of this administration just a few blocks from this building, will the president consider giving the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Big Balls?”
Yes, he really referred to him as “Big Balls.” And he was so serious. From the tone in Karoline Leavitt’s voice, as evil as she is, you could almost hear her saying under her breath, interesting idea, you fucking weirdo.
The Presidential Medal of Freedom, the nation’s highest civilian honor, has been bestowed upon Mother Teresa and Martin Luther King Jr. and Jackie Robinson and Eunice Kennedy Shriver and Stevie Wonder and Barbra Streisand and gabillions more deserving people.
Donald Trump has given it to people who gave him money, like Miriam Adelson, and Dead Rush Limbaugh, who, considering the rumors about that guy and Donald Trump’s continuing refusal to release the Epstein Files, makes a lot of sense.
But it’s been announced that there’s going to be a UFC cage match at the White House on the 250th birthday of this swiftly decomposing nation, and Donald Trump’s Kennedy Center Honors recipients are a total joke, including basic bitch choices like Michael Crawford, who nobody under 80 has ever heard of but who was the original Phantom in The Phantom of the Opera, and President Incontinence Von Hitler loooooooves Phantom and he probably thinks that guy is a real superstar.
So yeah. Sure. Presidential Medal of Freedom for Big Balls. Why the fuck not.
Maybe they’ll let Benny put the medal around Big Balls’s balls himself. Then they can cry about getting beat up by girls together and Big Balls will know that Benny thinks he’s a really cool guy, and afterward Benny will never wash his hands again.
OPEN THREAD.
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While I was on a ladder tacking something up, I dropped the hammer and tried to grab it and it bounced off the back of my left hand. Ouch. Ok enough tacking things up, let's dig in the closet and see if I can find the iron. Found it after it fell and bounced off my right arm. Double ouch. Go to step out of the closet and one of my camera tripods fell on my foot. That's a rare triple ouch, I might just have won gold with that.
All because one teenager punched another teenager in the nose during a botched drug deal.
In my day that got you detention, not martial law. Whiny-ass titty babies.