The Hells Angels Are Pivoting To Fatwas
Hunter S. Thompson unavailable for comment
Visiting the Islamic Republic of Iran isn't something on too many people's bucket list. While the many UNESCO world heritage sites, alcohol-free dining options, and segregated beaches may have their appeal, intentionally traveling to a country where so-called morality police murder women for letting a stray strand of hair or two escape from their headscarves is a bridge too far for most.
Not content with brutally oppressing its citizens at home, the Iranian government also enjoys killing citizens living abroad, and last week the Department of Justice announced they’d prevented an assassination scheme involving two Hells Angels from Canada, who are both currently in jail on unrelated charges. No doubt this will give Tucker Carlson and his ilk another reason to insist Prime Minster Justin Trudeau has lost control and the country needs to be forcefully liberated.
A Bond villain named Naji Sharifi Zindashti, operating with the alleged go-ahead of government officials, offered the bikers, Damion Ryan and Adam Pearson, $350,000 to assemble a crew to whack an unnamed Iranian dissident and his female companion living in Maryland. Plus an extra $25,000 for travel expenses, which was thoughtful of him.
No, the target wasn't author Salman Rushdie, whose last known undisclosed location was somewhere in Lower Manhattan. Also he's Indian.
The goons cooked up the plan via the encrypted chat app SkyECC, which has been linked to a number of organized crime cases, and the company's records were seized by law enforcement in 2021. It's pretty gruesome reading, with Ryan promising the hitmen would deliver multiple headshots to “erase his head from his torso" to properly send a message. Zindashti is also suspected of being behind the kidnapping of Habib Chaab, a Swedish-Iranian activist who disappeared during a visit to Turkey and was hanged last May for being “corrupt on earth,” a capital offense under Iran's take on Islamic law.
"The Iranian regime's continued efforts to target dissidents and activists demonstrate the regime's deep insecurity and attempt to expand Iran's domestic repression internationally," said Brian Nelson, the Treasury Department's head of terrorism and financial intelligence.
Progressive Persians with the means have been fleeing the country ever since the angry beardy dudes overthrew the Shah and went medieval on everyone’s asses back in 1979. While America is known colloquially as “the Great Satan” in Iran, it is nonetheless home to the world's largest Iranian diaspora, with roughly 1.5 million people most Republicans would like to send back there, followed by Canada, the Great Satan's Mini-Me, with around 400,000.
Clearly these guys — and they're all guys obv — want to make “Death to America!” great again. The axis of evil OG also seems to have learned a thing or two from the disastrous murder and dismemberment of Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi, where the Saudis ultimately had to execute some of their own men following show trials to help pretend Jared Kushner's good friend and benefactor Prince Bonesaw didn't personally greenlight the whole ugly mess.
They must not have seen Argo or they'd know you simply can't trust Canadians.
Muslim fundamentalists bankrolling infidels in an organization with a blasphemous name like Hells Angels seems an unlikely development but we do now live in the weirdest timeline imaginable. Maybe other motorcycle gangs like the Bandidos or Mongols weren't available. Or perhaps they’re just, you know, fucking hypocrites.
While it’s obviously a good thing nobody got their heads obliterated with bullets, the timing of the indictments couldn't be worse given an Iran-backed militia was behind a recent drone attack on an American military base in Jordan near the border with Syria and Iraq that killed three people — the first US combat deaths since the Israel-Hamas war began Oct. 7 — and injured dozens more.
Iran, on behalf of their Russian real dad, is plainly trying to drag the Biden administration deeper into the increasingly sprawling battlefield, and it seems to be working. On Friday, the US bombed seven different targets in Syria and Iraq in the latest escalation of W̶o̶r̶l̶d̶ W̶a̶r̶ I̶I̶I̶ tensions, with a chance of more air strikes expected in the forecast.
The fact Iran feels perfectly content to try to murder people on American soil isn't exactly going to help lower the temperature in the Situation Room.
Your aspiring new Canadian boyfriend stubbornly remains on the generic social media site and is also half-assing it on Threads just in case.
I'm going to miss SER's writing here a ton, but if you look at the "most recent from" column on Wonkette's front page, we've got Andrew, Cakes, Zig, Gary, Robyn, Dok, Hoop, Evan and Sara all in the last couple days. It's a nice lookin' list of talent there.
I regret to inform readers the Hells Angels aren’t known as Les Anges de l’Enfer in Quebec. Complying with French language laws wouldn’t exactly fit their brand.