Tucker Carlson Planning To Invade Canada

There's gonna be a stench in Wild Rose Country Jan. 24.

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Heads of state don't normally invite people who've called for their country to be conquered to come hang out.

Sure, Trump infamously laid out the welcome mat to the Taliban for a makeshift Legion of Doom sleepover at Camp David shortly before the 20th anniversary of 9/11. It's possible Commander Bonespurs had seen Rambo III and mistook the mujahideen for the good guys or was simply curious to meet people who refused to roll over for the Russians, which is now of course official GOP policy. Or maybe he just wanted to say thanks in person for helping to make his tower on Wall Street the tallest building in Manhattan — lest we forget this vile, delusional boast made long before age-related brain worms were any sort of excuse — but the proposed playdate was called off last minute after the Taliban claimed responsibility for a suicide bombing that killed an American soldier. Some people will do anything to get out of meeting Donald Trump.

So it's weird as hell Danielle Smith, the premier of the province of Alberta, would agree to a public sit-down with disgraced talking head Tucker Carlson later this month after he called for Canada to be freed from the tyranny of a functioning democracy.

“Why should we let it become Cuba? Why don’t we liberate it?” he shrieked on his show last February. “We’re spending all this money to liberate Ukraine from the Russians, why are we not sending an armed force north to liberate Canada from Trudeau?” He then added “I'm serious” in case viewers didn't think he was seriously being serious.

It's an embarrassing but accurate cliché Canadians get overly excited whenever major American news outlets notice us, even if it's Fox News. (I'm as guilty of this as anyone on the rare occasions CanCon pops up on this mommyblog, which is why I pitched Becca on hopefully becoming yr new Canadian boyfriend on the regular.) But this one hit a nerve since there wouldn't be much we could do if our vast oil fields, freshwater reserves, or precious NHL teams drew the interest of a Republican administration somewhere down the line. It's not like we're in a position to march south and burn the White House down. Again.

Hilariously, his dumbass rant prompted the always-flailing New Democratic Party to propose a unanimous resolution in Parliament to condemn him, which hadn't a hope in hell of passing since plenty of their gormless Conservative Party opponents probably would greet Marines as liberators if push came to shove. It was fun political theater though. Some Canadians would probably like to think this smug cretin advocating for the invasion of their northern neighbor was the final straw for Rupert Murdoch, who finally tossed him out of a window from Fox headquarters shortly afterward like a common Putin critic, rather than the $787 million payout to Dominion Voting Systems he helped cause or other various and sundry reasons.

If there's anywhere in Canada this treasonous, testicle-tanning troglodyte is going to feel at home, it's Alberta, even if it's more of a bolo than bow tie kind of place. Being the unfortunate birthplace of Ted Cruz is very much on-brand, and the landlocked western province is basically Canada's version of Texas. Smith won the job last year in no small part because her United Conservative Party predecessor, Jason Kenney, had a full Dukakis-in-the-tank moment showing him not knowing how to fill up his ginormous pick-up truck, a cardinal sin in Oil Country. She's also on record comparing vaccinated Canadians to Nazi supporters who were simply “charmed by a tyrant” and is clearly dying to try out the slogan “Make Alberta Great Again.” Think Sarah Huckabee Sanders without the perfect smoky eye and you're on the right track.

But there is a more sinister side to Alberta hosting the newly unemployed white supremacist's debut in the Great White North. What sparked Tucker’s tantrum was Prime Minister Justin Trudeau's belated response to the so-called Freedom Convoy that took over Ottawa for two weeks, but a smaller, less sensational protest took place at the same time blockading the busy Coutts border crossing with Montana. Four people were eventually charged with conspiring to murder Mounties monitoring the mayhem, which is a hell of a lot more serious than blasting air horns at sleep-deprived city dwellers.

There's a certain irony to inviting a man who has called for America to invade Canada in the very part of the country where the RCMP were founded two centuries ago in part to prevent Americans from invading the territory and messing with the lucrative fur trade. But maybe the real reason he wants to come stir shit up while making a few bucks is just an excuse to stock up on some Cuban cigars, which are still forbidden in the land of the free.