The Next ICE Agent You Call A Microdick Loser Might Be Dean Cain!

Scott Baio, call your agent, they're hiring unemployable little bitches!

ICE is supposed to be using some of its $29 billion in new funding to hire 10,000 new agents, but we guesssssss nobody who’s actually qualified is interested, so they’re officially opening ICE jobs up to Proud Boys, Nazis, racists, inbreds, incels, kidfuckers, cowfuckers, conservative Christians, and Dean Cain!

What better way to say “We are desperate, oh my God, nobody wants to come be a Nazi for Cruella de Fillers, nobody wants to be laughed at by literally everyone for having a microdick, nobody wants to be part of the new American Nuremberg trials, where ‘I was just following orders’ still won’t be a valid defense,” than to say yes when Dean Cain, the dumpiest fucking loser Superman, who hasn’t done anything of value since, comes knocking on your door begging for work?

Here is Dean Cain announcing that he filled out an application to suck dicks behind the ICE gym and they were like “Hey, little boy, we’ve lowered our standards, want to be the real thing?”

Brighten your day:

And here is Jesse Watters telling Dean Cain on Fox News last night that “this is kind of a big deal for you and your career!” so that’s the most unintentionally pathetic thing that’s ever been said. You can watch this as soon as you catch your breath laughing from the first one.

And here is Wonkette pal Lizz Winstead reacting to this news last night, in the only way anyone with any self-respect is reacting:

lizzwinstead

A post shared by @lizzwinstead

Soooooooo!

Cain starts out his announcement video by calling himself a “sworn law enforcement officer” and a “filmmaker,” so he’s leaning heavily into the make-believe from a couple directions. He explains why he’s joining ICE (translation: He wasn’t busy), then lies about all the verrrrry dangerous people ICE is arresting — you never know what kinds of Episcopal priests’ daughters you’re going to find showing up for their immigration appointments at the scheduled time! Then he immediately pivots into all the ways ICE is bribing pussy ass bitch losers as unemployable and underqualified for literally everything in life as he is.

“You can defend your homeland and get great benefits like a $50,000 signing bonus, think about that, student loan repayment, legally, HA HA HA, enhanced retirement benefits, and special pay for those in the field operations and law enforcement roles!” He adds that you don’t need an undergraduate degree and there are more racist dogwhistles about “the homeland,” and then he’s finished in a minute thirty, probably not the first time that’s happened.

So that is rough.

You can read Dean Cain’s replies to see people dick-punching the biggest little bitch to ever leave skidmarks in the Superman bodysuit.

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ICE Nazis Kidnap Episcopal Priest's Daughter, Release Her, Probably Are Mad She Didn't Say 'Thank You'

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We swear we wrote our subheadline before we saw this tweet:

What, did Kevin Sorbo not show up for the circle jerk last night?

So yes, this is all part of ICE’s pathetic and incredibly desperate new recruitment campaign. Homeland Security’s Nazi Barbie announced yesterday that they’ve gotten rid of all age limits — though it’s unclear if they mean the bottom age limit so on the low end they could now hire 15-year-old virgins who think Kyle Rittenhouse fucks, or if they’re just referring to the upper age limit so they can hire 59-year-olds like Dean Cain, who we guess weren’t doing anything anyway. (The cutoff used to be 40.) In her announcement, she of course mentioned all the ways ICE is bribing people to join their stable of deplorables and rejects and be the Gestapo they want to see in the world.

You don’t need to watch Baroness von Puppykills’s extensions making the announcement on Fox News, so here is a meme in its place:

As for attracting those young whippersnappers, many have noticed that ICE has launched a full Nazi recruitment campaign for the little Jugend.

Here’s one that’s literal Nazi propaganda, and also manages to sound like some kind of PornHub shit.

No, really, it’s literal Nazi propaganda:

Literal Nazi propaganda is kind of their thing lately, and all the other times too.

404 Media reports on ICE’s social media blitz, as they desperately try to reach the Kids These Days where they are with bribes to become Hitler’s mouthbreathing enforcers.

We guess in this one they’re going hard for the Fox News nursing home crowd, telling prospective recruits to put down that pudding cup and put their teeth back in, Cankles Hitler needs YOU.

Maybe that’s the one Dean Cain saw!

And then this one, where the dogwhistle isn’t even a dogwhistle, it’s just the excitable, soft-brained Nazis and white supremacists who run DHS’s social media accounts literally begging for fellow people of purest white blood to join them, and reminding them that they don’t need any qualifications or education or a basic ability to read words good to answer the call:

Yesterday, the New York Times reported that ICE was also giving out Ice Cream Boner Social parties for the Deporter of the Month, in the form of cash bonuses, but ICE sent out an email canceling the program the second the Times started asking about it, and Kristi Noem’s blonde understudy Tricia McLaughlin immediately started lying and saying it never had existed.

Also NBC News reported last week that ICE is desperately trying to poach local police, and even those MAGA bastards are pissed:

“We’re their force multipliers, and this is the thanks we get for helping them do their job?” Polk County, Florida, Sheriff Grady Judd said in an interview. Judd said he’s not happy about a recruitment email ICE’s deputy director sent to hundreds of his deputies, and he blamed Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, who oversees ICE.

“Kristi Noem needs to get on her big girl pants and do what’s right. She needs to make sure that there’s an apology,” said Judd, who also made it clear that he wants to “support President Trump’s mission.”

Of course, they’re bribing cops with all the same $50,000 signing bonuses and $60,000 loan repayment and lowered standards they’re bribing everybody else with.

Because if you aren’t qualified to pick up dogshit, but you can demonstrate that you really hate non-white people, ICE has a place for you!

Man, we thought we were following these little bitches around with tubas before.

In other news, new “South Park” just dropped. Kristi Noem is in it.

In the second episode of “South Park” Season 27, United States Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem leads ICE in a raid on the local production of “Dora the Explorer Live!” After losing his job as counselor of South Park Elementary, Mr. Mackey is out of options to make his monthly “nut,” which adds up to $8,000 a month. His banker suggests he join ICE, which offers a “$100,000 salary” and a “$50,000 signing bonus.”

Mackey heads to ICE HQ for an orientation video featuring none other than Noem. “Welcome to the team, recruits. I’m Kristi Noem, head of Homeland Security,” she says. “A few years ago, I had to put my puppy down by shooting it in the face, because sometimes doing what’s important means doing what’s hard.” The video then hard cuts to Noem jumping out of an ICE vehicle and gunning down an innocent puppy in the street.

JD Vance is in it too:

“Would you like me to apply the baby oil to Satan’s asshole, boss?” asks Vance.

No hell is hot enough for any of these people, but until then, they deserve this.

[NBC News / Variety]

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