The President And The Communist Had A Press Conference And I, JD Vance, Was Not Invited?
In which the vice president hums 'You Don't Bring Me Flowers.'
What the hell?
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? WHAT THE HELL EVEN IS THIS PRESS CONFERENCE?
I will not calm down! I am the goddamn Vice President of the United States and I was not invited to the Oval Office, but the communist mayor of New York was?
What is going on? Six months ago, the president would have had me in there to play bad cop. You saw how I took out Zelenskyy like he was a piece of lint. Little dude never had a chance. We got great press for that. MAGA was thrilled, remember?
But Zohran Mamdani comes to town, the press pool is packed almost exclusively with right-wing media, and the president doesn’t want me to come in and get some good soundbites? Nothing he can put up on YouTube or Insta? No viral moment of me berating the radical Marxist immigrant mayor for not being grateful enough to America? We’ll lead Fox News every night for a week. I’m talking emergency podcasts, the whole shebang.
It’s ridiculous. I was here first. He picked me to be his vice president, not the communist jihadist whatever!
Oh my God, the president is patting Mingdamo on the arm and grinning that huge veneered grin that he almost never pulls out. He showed it for Mohammed bin Salman the other day, and it was the first time I’d seen it since probably April. No, that grin is reserved for special occasions and special people.
Sir! He just called you a fascist! In the Oval Office! Don’t help him out with some disarming charm!
Oh man, oh man. Chill out, JD. Deep breaths. Meditate. Eat a gummy.
Usha! Usha! Get in here and look at this. Look at how the president is gazing at Memdumbo. Have you ever seen him gaze at me like that? No! Usually he looks at me like he just noticed me for the first time and he doesn’t know who I am or why I’m there.
Sometimes he really doesn’t know. The other day he had an episode in a meeting and asked Suzie Wiles why there’s a six-foot Teddy Ruxpin in the chair next to him. That’s your vice president, sir. JD Vance. And he’s like, I don’t like him. Tell him to leave. Next thing you know, I’m back in my office tweeting at Canada they suck.
What the shit, man??? He has you complimenting the New Deal now? After the election two weeks ago, the president was talking about looking into Mamdani’s citizenship and maybe having him deported! Instead today he was practically giving him a tug job on camera in the Oval Office! Now you’re taking multiple pictures in front of an FDR portrait. Am I taking crazy pills?
Has he not noticed everything I’ve done? The way I’ve prostrated myself? The way I’ve taken any ounce of dignity I might have ever possessed — or rather, still possessed after Peter Thiel got through with me — and run it through an industrial shredder? I have humiliated myself! I’m a midget! I’m a meme!
And not one of the funny cute ones! No, look at that. I’m grotesque!
And not even just a midget. A midget who was (shudders) FRENCH.
Shoot, just yesterday I was telling an audience how hilarious his dumb unfunny jokes are! Ho ho, sir, you tricked Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries into having their pictures taken with Trump 2028 hats? What a cut-up! What a card! You’re a regular Milton Berle, you are! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha!
Christ, the Trump 2028 hats. Listen, old man, Trump 2028 is not a thing. Vance 2028, now that’s a thing. I’ve earned it. I’ve eaten all your shit for over a year, I’ve told anyone who would listen that you are the greatest president of my or anyone else’s lifetime. And the thanks I get is you telling everyone maybe you’ll let me be your 82-year-old ass’s sidekick for another four years?
“How about Trump 2028.” How about you shut the fuck up?
All the 3 A.M. phone calls. All the letting him leer at my wife. All the demands! JD, go scope out Greenland for me. JD, tell everyone we’ve got a great healthcare plan coming any day now. JD, go hang out with Don Jr., I can’t do it, he makes my skin crawl.
Goddamn right, honey. I am done. No more going in there every day and complimenting his looks or his manliness or his taste in decorating. No more yammering talking points handed to me by his staff for every interview. No more beatdowns of foreign leaders in front of the press. No more making sure every other sentence is about him. I am the Vice President of the United States, and it is about time the president and everyone else act like it.
Okay, I will tweet out that “go ahead and call me a fascist” clip while gushing over his amazing wit. But then I’m done. Probably.
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Schadenfreude Saturday: apparently several of the DOGEbros are now worried they may face criminal charges and Musk won't protect them.
Ha, I say, ha.
Aw, poor JD. Maybe Usha will let you have some quality time with the ottoman to make you feel better.