Debate night (day) is here, Joe Biden has been preparing for it, and Donald Trump and his allies have spent their debate prep preemptively explaining that Trump looked like such a fool during tonight’s debate because Biden was Doing The Dew, or the pot, or some of Pill-Poppin’ Dr. Ronny’s leftover Provigil.
Here are all the details you need to know for a safe and wholesome experience:
What Time Is The Debate?
9 p.m. ET. Live from Atlanta.
Who Are The Moderators?
Jake Bash and Dana Tapper. (They got married and Freaky Friday-ed each other’s names last night.)
Who Are The Candidates?
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and Jeb Bush.
This Is Good News For John McCain.
Indeed.
Did RFK Jr. Qualify?
No, but the growling worm that lives in his brain did.
Will We Get To Watch The Worm Leave His Head?
If we’re nice!
What, When, Where, Why, How, And How Long?
Kind of personal questions there, buddy.
Did They Slip Joe Biden The Questions Beforehand To Rig It Against Trump?
No, but Biden studied likely questions based on what’s going on in America and the world, so that’s a RIGGED and a STOLLEN right there.
Did Joe Biden Slip The Moderators A Butterscotches?
Yes.
Did Trump Slip The Moderators Anything?
He might have tried to slip them the tongue. He’s a celebrity, they let him do anything.
Are They Really Going To Mute The Candidates’ Mics When They’re Not Supposed To Be Talking?
Yes, and you get to watch Donald Trump try to handle that LIVE.
Also there will be no studio audience, so Trump really has nothing to play to.
Oh Man, This Really Is Rigged Against Him.
It certainly doesn’t play to what few discernible strengths he has.
And the idiot agreed to it!
Will Wonkette Be Live-Blogging Every Poop, Gurgle And Spit From The Debate Stage?
No, only from Jake Tapper.
But Wonkette Is Live-Blogging The Debate?
Kind of personal questions there, buddy.
Aren’t Both Candidates Basically The Same? Isn’t It Just The Lesser Of Two Evils?
No, and if you think that, you are being ridiculous.
One of the candidates is a world-historical felon, a criminal, a rapist, a fraud, a liar, a conman, a cheat, a traitor to the Republic who incited an insurrection and oversaw an attempted coup to overturn the election he lost and to overthrow the government.
The other is Joe Biden, who is not perfect, and who didn’t even buy one American citizen a pony like he promised (did not promise). But he’s been a good fucking president, he works hard every day, and he’s running for a second term.
How Can We Witness This Calamitous Occasion?
The CNN Presidential Debate will air live on CNN, CNN International and CNN en Español, and via streaming on Max for subscribers and without a cable login on CNN.com.
So you will probably have to find your own way to stream it, because any online videos will likely not be embeddable on other websites.
See you tonight!
Evan has a new side project called The Moral High Ground, you should check it out and subscribe there too!
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
If you're shopping on Amazon anyway, this portal gives us a small commission.
Oh gosh, as late as I tend to stay up, this is airing at 3AM local time. As much as I love shooting the proverbial shit in the comments (much like Kristi Noem likes shooting actual puppies), comments aren't allowed and I'll probably be a-sleepin'. But honestly, I'm expecting a TRAIN WRECK where the orange dumpster fire is concerned. You guys will be laughin' and laughin' and I'll get to catch up by rereading everything tomorrow morning.
I finally stopped just lurking and got myself an account because of this debate.