Tim Scott Quitting Campaign To Spend More Time With Jesus And One True Girlfriend
'Not now, Tim,' said the voters.
Aw man! It seems like just last week South Carolina GOP Senator Tim Scott was bringing his real girlfriend to the Republican debate, and she was saying things like “Hello!” and he was saying things like “This is my real girlfriend, with whom I participate in romance!” and everybody else was saying, “We sure do suspect a number of intercourses have taken place here!”*
(It was last week.)
Now, for no reason we can understand, aside from the one about how he has zero chance to be president of this nation or any other, Scott is suspending his presidential campaign.
And we were just getting to know what’s-her-name!
He explained to Trey Gowdy on Fox News:
"I think the voters, who are the most remarkable people on the planet, have been really clear that they’re telling me: ‘Not now, Tim.’” Scott added. “I don’t think they’re saying, Trey, no, but I do think they’re saying not now. And so I’m going to respect the voters, and I’m going to hold on and keep working really hard and look forward to another opportunity.”
That does sounds like what the voters are doing. Saying, “Not now, Tim.” And backing away slowly. Those remarkable, remarkable voters. Maybe sometime! But not right now. OK, goodbye!
Scott on Sunday referenced a passage from the Bible, Romans 8:28, saying “All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose.” […]
“I am first a Christian,” [Scott said at an event at Bob Jones University in 2020]. “And it is the thing I have chosen to be above all other things.”
Scott has even focused on his faith while fielding questions about his personal life. The senator revealed earlier this year that he is dating "a lovely Christian girl."
“I’m so thankful to know a risen savior that has helped guide my way, and I’m so thankful that he’s allowed my life to intersect at the right time with the right person. And I just say, praise the living God,” he said during the Iowa Faith and Freedom Coalition’s annual fall banquet.
Is he suspending his campaign because Jesus filed a restraining order?
Anyway, this is all super-sad, we are sure. But probably predictable since literally the only newsworthy thing about Tim Scott’s erstwhile presidential campaign was oh yeah, you got a girlfriend? Where is she? Does she live in Canada or something? Well surprise, because we just called Canada and they said they don’t know her.
He had told Brian Kilmeade on Fox News in May that “Obviously at this point I’m taken!” Obviously! “The good news is that God has blessed me with a smart, Christian woman,” he told Kilmeade. “That’s great news,” he added, like a person hearing about the news he just told himself for the first time about his girlfriend who he had definitely met before that discussion with Brian Kilmeade.
But nobody could find Tim Scott’s girlfriend, even though a lot of people were looking for her. A bunch of his friends were like HEEENGHHH? when journalists called to ask about her. Last year, when Washington Post reporter Ben Terris asked Matt Schlapp about the possibility of Donald Trump choosing Scott as his running mate, Schlapp said, “You think he picks a gay vice president?”
Matt Schlapp, everyone! Accusing people of being gay is definitely a good look for that guy!
But look, it was real. Tim Scott and his girlfriend were reportedly using an app on their phones to do Bible studies, like all young and randy couples do. (Biblr! It’s like Grindr, but all the profiles are guys from Bible! Just spitballing here.)
And then at long last, at the Republican debate last week, there she was. She was Mindy! She came to the debate! Yay, Mindy!
That was the thing that was newsworthy about Tim Scott’s presence at the debate. The only thing. Mindy!
On ABC News after the debate, reporter Linsey Davis said, “We understand now that this is your girlfriend Mindy,” confirming a journalism fact with the then-candidate.
He said she was at his campaign kickoff in May too. “The good news is that we continue to have a healthy relationship. Thankfully, both love the Lord and have a healthy respect for one another. And I’ll tell you? We have a lot of fun together.”
Dang, that sounds hot. And real.
We understand completely why Tim Scott is quitting.
Good try at running for president, Tim Scott. You have definitely earned a romantic weekend with just you and Mindy and the Lord.
Don’t do anything we wouldn’t do!
*May not be exact quotes, especially the one from “everybody else.”
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The prick didn’t even warn his campaign staff that he was quitting. They found out they were fired by watching television. Low-class thoughtless motherfucker.
Who's peeking out from under a fig leaf,
Calling a name that's lighter than air?
Who's showing up to give me some cover?
Everyone knows it's Mindy