Tommy Tuberville's Little Dumbass Anti-Abortion Game Doing Great Things For Military Readiness, Alabama
Tommy Tuberville's Little Dumbass Anti-Abortion Game Doing Great Things For Military Readiness, Alabama
How many people can Senator Bumblefuck screw?
Things are not going great right now for Alabama Republican Senator Tommy “Tubblestupids” Tuberville, the ding dong football coach who has become world famous for being the very dumbest man in the entire US Senate.
Fresh off his latest round of defending white nationalists in the military, everybody is getting kind of sick of Coach Dumpfuck screwing over the military because he’s having a crybaby crying jag over abortion. Like come on, dude, we get it, you’re trying to appeal to the rubes, but even Republicans are tired of this grandstanding shit. We have to have military readiness, which means we can’t hold up military confirmations forever just because Coach Brain Injury thinks Jesus will give him a spanking if he doesn’t.
Politico reports on how Republicans are feeling about Tuberville’s 250 (250!) stalled military nominations, including a vacant Marine Corps commandant position, because he’s upset the Pentagon is responding to the illegitimate partisan hack Supreme Court destroying abortion access by guaranteeing paid leave for servicemembers who have to travel for abortions. (This is called military readiness.) Republicans now have to deal with the fact that they’re going on a five-week recess with these positions unconfirmed, and it’s all because of one idiot redneck from Alabama.
Summing up the feeling back in Alabama, Rep. Jerry Carl (R-Ala.) observed: “Mixed emotions.”
“Some people like it, some people don’t understand it. Some of our older military folks aren’t really happy about it; they understand it better than anybody,” Carl said.
Golly, wonder if those older military folks understand something Tubblefucker doesn’t.
Take Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska), who said “everybody is asking me about this” back home. This is the time of year when military families in Alaska pack up and move to new posts, she said: “And if you don’t have the ability to move because promotions have been held up, you can’t make that happen.”
“We see the impact here because it’s very visible to us,” she said. “There’s one person who knows how to address this.”
Politico reports that Murk’s counterpart, Senator Dan Sullivan of Alaska, looked at finding a way around Tubberblubber’s hold to get the Marine commandant position filled, but Mitch McConnell wouldn’t let it happen because “precedent.” (You know how he is about letting hallowed Senate traditions fall by the wayside.) So the Senate went home without confirming a commandant for the Marines.
There are some Republicans trying to have it both ways, acting like both sides are getting something great out of this — Dippy the Clown getting to brush up his anti-abortion bonafides, while the Biden White House gets to very publicly fight for abortion. You know, because it’s all a game to these people.
Rep. Mike Rogers, who chairs the House Armed Services Committee and is from Alabama, says to Politico that the Biden administration “created this situation.” As if they could have just let the illegitimately partisan hack Supreme Court’s fascist Dobbs ruling go unanswered as it pertains to military readiness.
Wyoming Republican Senator Cynthia Lummis is also blaming it on the military. “I don’t really care what other people think. I’m very comfortable with Sen. Tuberville’s position,” said Lummis. “It’s within the military’s complete control to fix this and they won’t.” We’re talking about Republicans here. It’s not unexpected that some of them are acting as downright stupid as Tuberville.
Mitt Romney is just sad the poor military is caught in this fight between whether Samuel Alito should live inside our troops’ underpants guarding their uteruses, or if Alito should get fucked:
“It worked for the White House because, to their base, they’re fighting for abortion rights. It worked for Republicans like Tommy Tuberville because of our base,” said Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah). “It’s just not good for the American military.”
Tubs’s new counterpart, idiot GOP Senator Katie Britt, is issuing statements about delusional imaginary unicorn dumbfuck things Republicans believe are happening, but are not in fact happening:
“We need to get the politics out of the Pentagon — that we should not be utilizing taxpayer dollars in any way shape or form to facilitate a woman who is eight months pregnant, to take the life of the child,” Britt said. Spokesperson Sean Ross said Britt’s been “consistent” in this view.
Like we were saying.
In somewhat perhaps related news — at least from an optics perspective — the Biden administration announced Monday that it’s telling the expired Trump administration to eat a fuck and reversing its decision to move the military’s US Space Command from Colorado to Alabama. Related, perhaps, because again, this is about military readiness, and it’s real hard to explain to culture war trash that it’s not good policy to force our troops and their families to move to pigfuck states where they can’t get the healthcare they need when they need it.
Space Command was supposed to move to the Huntsville, Alabama, area. Biden said nah, let’s keep it in Colorado Springs. The administration cited “operational readiness,” in general, not specifically mentioning the abortion thing, but news articles are illustrating their stories about this with pictures of Thomas The Dumbest Goddamned Tank Engine.
In most ways, it’s so much simpler than all that:
The headquarters in Colorado is slated to achieve full operational capability later this month. A move to Alabama would have forced the command to undergo a transition process that would not have been completed until the mid-2030s, which Biden found unacceptable, the official said.
As the Washington Post explains, Trump’s last-minute decision to move the command to Alabama — which was totally viewed as him rubbing his supporters’ nuts and trying to punish a smart people state that hates him — was thought of as rash and stupid. In other words, a Trump decision.
For more on all the details that really led to this decision, check out the news article links we have provided. It’s really about what’s the best location overall.
Because in some ways all politics is still local, Colorado’s Lauren Boebert is cheering about this, along with the state’s Democratic senators and other electeds. Meanwhile, Alabama’s Republican politicians are a-squealin’, accusing Biden of hurting military readiness because he loves “extremist social agenda” and “far-left politics” so much. (And re: the local thing, Democratic Rep. Terri Sewell, one of Alabama’s only decent nationally elected politicians, is also criticizing Biden for “bow[ing] to the whims of politics.” Say what you gotta say for the home team, we guess.)
Tuberville thinks America wants to hear more of his own squeals:
The decision to bypass Alabama and other conservative states “looks like blatant patronage politics, and it sets a dangerous precedent that military bases are now to be used as rewards for political supporters rather than for our security,” Tuberville said, adding, “This is absolutely not over.”
Okeydokey artichokey. It might not be over, but Space Command is staying in Colorado, where troops can get abortions, and Tommy Tuberville can cry about it while he continues to fling footballs in his own endzone for all we care.
And that is what is happening with that.
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Biden needs to remove all military bases and all other federal institutions that are in Alabama in order to get Mr. Penis Head (didn't want to libel Mr. Potato Head) to allow military promotions to go forward. Can Mr. Penis Head be subjected to a Federal indictment for interference with the U.S. military command, since only the President is commander in chief? This seems to be a national security concern.
Remember how quiet Mitch McConnell was up there at the podium? His silence would be deafening if Schumer started pulling Tuberville's committee assignments.