Top FEMA Official Can't Stop Teleporting Himself To Waffle House
This seems like a disaster waiting to happen.
Next Wednesday, Gregg Phillips, the head of FEMA’s Office of Response and Recovery, is set to testify before the House Homeland Security Committee about the impact of the Department of Homeland Security shutdown. However, some members might have some unrelated things they’d like to discuss with them, as CNN has unearthed video of Phillips very seriously discussing his tendency to teleport to different locations at random.
This is not the first unusual claim that Phillips has made. He rose to prominence through his claims that the 2020 election was stolen because “millions” of noncitizens voted and that the COVID vaccine was created to kill people. He also shared his desire to punch Joe Biden in the face, adding that “He is a nasty, shitty, crappy human being, and he deserves to die. And I hope he does.”
Truly, it seems that he is a font of … well, I guess you could call them “ideas.”
Via CNN:
In the same January 2025 episode in which he made his comments about Biden, Phillips also described experiences in which he said he teleported physically.
“I was with my boys one time and I was telling them I was gonna go to Waffle House and get Waffle House. And I ended up at a Waffle House — this was in Georgia and I end up at a Waffle House like 50 miles away from where I was,” Phillips said in the January 2025 podcast episode.
“And they said, ‘where are you?’ and I said, ‘A Waffle House.’ And ‘a Waffle House where?’ And I said, ‘Waffle House in Rome, Georgia.’ And they said, ‘That’s not possible, you just left here a moment ago.’ But it was possible. It was real.”
“Teleporting is no fun,” Phillips added. “It’s no fun because you don’t really know what you’re doing. You don’t really understand it, it’s scary, but yet um — but so real. And you know it’s happening but you can’t do anything about it, and so you just go, you just go with the ride. And wow, what just an incredible adventure it all was.”
That does, indeed, sound incredible. Even more incredibly, this was not the only time this happened to him.
In other parts of the episode, he claimed that his vehicle “lifted up” while he was driving and carried him roughly 40 miles from Albany, Georgia, before setting him down in a ditch near a church.
Phillips said the experiences were frightening and uncontrollable, and questioned at the time whether they were “evil” or “good,” but insisted they were real and had happened more than once.
“Teleporting is no fun,” he explained. “It was real.”
Alas, it does not seem as though the Trump administration believes it was real.
“This is so silly it’s barely worth acknowledging. DHS, FEMA, and Mr. Phillips are focused on the critical mission of emergency management and ensuring the safety of the American people. Many of the comments cited are taken out of context or represent personal, informal, jovial, and somewhat spiritual discussions made in the context of barely surviving cancer; in a private capacity prior to his current role,” a spokesperson said in an awfully familiar-seeming statement to CNN.
This is not the first time we have seen this tactic used when someone from the Trump administration — frequently Trump himself — has been found saying or doing something absurd.
Now, a lot of people are skeptical of this ability, and suggesting that someone so deluded ought not be in a position of power in any administration (or Waffle House, even). I say that we, instead, take it very seriously and consider the implications of an administration official being so unstuck in space, just accidentally teleporting himself into various Waffle Houses across America, or perhaps even to the top of the Eiffel Tower or into a volcano. What if he accidentally teleports somewhere naked? After all, he says he cannot control this ability. How can we be sure he won’t just beam himself straight from the shower into an elementary school?
Will this affect his work with FEMA? Should he be allowed to drive? This might be the most important question of all, given that his car seems to always teleport with him and could ostensibly end up landing on a crowd of people and crushing them to death. Unless … maybe it is a TARDIS? Should be easy enough to check and see if it is bigger on the inside.
He certainly needs to be pressed for more details about how this occurs, as I’m sure there are a lot of people (myself included!) who would enjoy having the ability to beam ourselves to brunch. I can’t tell you how many Sundays I have woken up and thought to myself “Ugh, I want waffles but also I don’t want to move from my bed.” The ability to teleport either myself or the waffles would be incredibly convenient.
Of course, both Phillips and his CARDIS will need to be locked away in a secure facility and studied by the best scientific minds around, as would traditionally occur in the sort of B movie that Trump administration officials seem to think they are acting in.
At this point, I’m starting to feel like it almost helps these people when we just dunk on and debunk them, when we say “Oh no, that couldn’t possibly have happened,” and then there are never any real consequences because someone the next day will say something even more ridiculous. We need to start, on occasion, taking their nonsense seriously, particularly when said nonsense being taken seriously will clearly not work out too well for them. Just keep asking them questions, pressing them for details and evidence until they give up and admit that they are full of shit.
And hey, if that doesn’t work, at least it would be entertaining.
PREVIOUSLY ON WONKETTE!
Sounds like Phillips has screw loose.
Having moved across the country six months ago, I finally got around to finding a new PCP, and getting a physical. I went and had the bloodwork done this morning. Since I had to get out of bed early for that (i.e. before noon, which is early for me on the weekends), I went ahead and got breakfast (which I rarely do), and a haircut (which was overdue).
And since this was the first weekend with both pleasant weather, and that I got out of bed, I decided to take a nice walk to and around Point State Park, where the Three Rivers™ converge. The fountain hadn't been turned back on yet, but it was still quite nice.