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Toxic Misinformation Sphincter Rupert Murdoch Steps Down As Fox CEO, Succeeded By His Toxic Misinformation Sphincter Son Lachlan
All Hail the new King of Bullshit Mountain.
Disgusting old media mudhole Rupert Murdoch, the Australian import who’s arguably done more to enshitten American media and politics than any other figure, announced today that he will retire as chairman of Fox Corporation and the deceptively named “News” Corporation.
After Murdoch, 92, wriggles around enough to dislodge his hindparts’ mucoid grip on the throne of filth he’s steadily excreted since he got his start in the 1950s with a small newspaper chain in Australia, he will be replaced by his oldest son Lachlan, 52, who’s just as bad but has more years remaining to pollute the planet and suck all rational thought from the fetid minds of tens of millions of humans across several continents.
It was not reported whether the elder Murdoch will transfer his dark soul-consuming contract with the legions of Hell itself to Lachlan, or if Lachlan will seal a new agreement with the Unholy One in an arcane ritual on an altar of human bones at Fox News in New York City. Fox White House correspondent Peter Doocy has reportedly said he’s free this week, asking only, “So after Lachlan tears the vital organs and viscera from my writhing torso and feeds them to the faithful, I’ll get a raise, right?”
In a memo to Fox and NewsCorp employees, Murdoch wrote,
“For my entire professional life, I have been engaged daily with news and ideas, and that will not change. But the time is right for me to take on different roles, knowing that we have truly talented teams.”
“I hunger,” he added. “Bring me the head of Janine Pirro, that I may feed.”
Murdoch will stay on as “chairman emeritus,” reassuring his loyal retainers that he is in “robust health” and that he will remain “involved every day in the contest of ideas.” Once a man has gotten used to poisoning the minds of millions with conspiracy theories, hatred, and racism, it’s hard to settle for playing pickleball in a former Bed Bath & Beyond.
Still, in a sign that change has indeed come to Fox News, viewers learned today that they can now get 20 percent off shitty lumpy pillows by including the discount code “Lachlan” with their online order.
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