Trump Didn’t Choose This Star Athlete’s Life, It Chose Him
RIGGED and STOLLEN. Except for when he WINS.
One thing we have always known about Donald Trump is that he follows the rules of golf, just like he follows the rules of life. Which is why no one has any reason to question him when he says he won the Tournament Of Olds golf championship held this weekend at his Bedminster club:
Amazing. Every word of it:
I am pleased to report, for those that care, that I just won the Senior Club Championship (must be over 50 years old!) at Bedminster (Trump National Golf Club), shooting a round of 67. Now, some people will think that sounds low, but there is no hanky/lanky. Many people watch, plus I am surrounded by Secret Service Agents. Not much you can do even if you wanted to, and I don’t. For some reason, I am just a good golfer/athlete – I have won many Club Championships, and it is always a great honor!
“For those that care.” You might not even need this lie. But for those who do!
“There is no hanky/lanky.” What century is he from?
“Plus I am surrounded by Secret Service Agents.” The notion that the Secret Service would step in if he was cheating at golf is hilarious.
“Not much you can do even if you wanted to, and I don’t.” As all winning athletes say after their victories.
“For some reason, I am just a good golfer/athlete.” He didn’t choose this life, it chose him.
It’s just so amazing.
Ignore the fact that Trump thinks that most exercise (but not golf) is a silent killer. And that he cheats so much at golf that entire books have been written about how he cheats at golf. Donald Trump is his own personal North Korean News Lady, and he won his 39th tournament in a row this weekend, right here in the middle of being indicted for one million felonies in a whole bunch of unrelated jurisdictions.
He’s just that strong and manly and made of cocks and he measures up at 6’3” and 215 pounds, approximately the same as Chris Hemsworth and hot Derek Carr from the New Orleans Saints.
The point is, everything is RIGGED and STOLLEN. You know, unless he wins.
Stop calling him Kim Jong-Un!
(If only because that guy has managed to stay in power LMAO.)
So yeah, Trump had a cool weekend on the internet after his latest arrest in Atlanta. He was extremely very upset that he couldn’t go to a different golf tournament at a different resort, in Scotland, because of how he has to stay in America and fight the fascist, communist scums.
I have the Staysure Senior PGA Championship in Aberdeen, Scotland, on my great course, and I can’t go. I have to stay around and fight off the Crazed Radical Left Lunatics, Communists, Marxists, and Fascists. I wouldn’t want to be in Europe and watch this COUNTRY DESTROYING Scum work their disgusting and illegal “magic” on unsuspecting Republican “leaders” who just don’t think it is appropriate to Fight Fire With Fire. BUT WE WILL WIN. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
He wouldn’t want to be in Europe, when he can be here in America, fighting the good fight. Especially when the Republicans in America, who are supposed to be his loyal subjects who ask “How high?” when he tells them to lick his ass, are so susceptible to the lunatic communist Marxist fascists and their disgusting and illegal “magic.”
Indeed, that was one of his screamy themes yesterday, so we’re guessing it’s weighing heavy on his very good brain, the lack of perceived loyalty and/or real action from Republican quarters. This missive came last night:
The Republicans in Congress, though well meaning, keep talking about an Impeachment “Inquiry” on Crooked Joe Biden. Look, the guy got bribed, he paid people off, and he wouldn’t give One Billion Dollars to Ukraine unless they “got rid of the Prosecutor.” Biden is a Stone Cold Crook-You don’t need a long INQUIRY to prove it, it’s already proven. These lowlifes Impeached me TWICE (I WON!), and Indicted me FOUR TIMES – For NOTHING! Either IMPEACH the BUM, or fade into OBLIVION. THEY DID IT TO US!
IMPEACH the BUM, he says, or fade into OBLIVION. These are the ALL-CAPS WORDS, which are DIFFERENT from the WORDS that start with Random Capital Letters.
That said, that’s a far better explanation of his lying made-up Ukrainian conspiracy theory about Joe Biden — the one that got him impeached the first time — than we’d have thought he’d be capable of. Then again, the Russian spies told it directly to Rudy Giuliani, so Trump has been wallowing in this one for a long time.
Let’s check in with our bouncy baby boy this morning:
“Faschists.”
The rest of his internet is just as batshit this morning as you’d imagine. Go swim in it if you’d like.
[h/t JoeMyGod]
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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He’s so remarkable, I’m just in awe. Were the universe to belch forth a prime example of how NOT to exist as a human being I cannot fathom a figure better equipped to exemplify such a phenomenon. He is everything we are taught not to be in kindergarten. Learn to lose gracefully, learn to share, the only golden thing he doesn’t covet or use as furnishings is the golden rule. He is the epitome of disgrace, degradation, pettiness, dishonor, debasement, perfidy, vulgarity, moral decrepitude and plain, unadulterated stupidity. I continue to be equal parts bewildered and infuriated by his cult who have blindly elevated this ridiculous moron to messiah status. There is no common cause to be made with these people. I can only hope that, not only are they sufficiently outnumbered, but by enough to overcome our shitty, regressive, obstructive and nonsensical electoral college. 😔
Stormy Daniels says 6', 3" are correct, but it's two different measurements. I love that porn star, I really do.