Trump DOJ Finds At Least One Sad Old Non-Citizen Voting Man, Arrests Him In His Pajamas, And That’s Why We Can’t Have Elections!

But what were they doing in his pajamas?

Photo by Andrew Wulf on Unsplash

Midterms are coming, and polls are looking like Republicans are heading into an absolute Red Wedding style bloodbath, on account of all the open fascism they’re doing.

So they are responding by circulating wild bullshit conspiracy theories and acting as if they are real life, which wouldn’t be such a problem, except that they are affecting actual people!

Now it’s California’s turn in the barrel. Federal officials — proving what I said earlier about voter fraud being vanishingly rare — have charged just 28 Californians with “illegal voting,” after claiming earlier that there were, like, 20,000 people just voting away, illegally! But they could really only find a couple dozen “suspected illegal voters” and they treated them like this:

Among the dozens of people arrested was a 72-year-old Belize-born man who is accused of voting illegally in four elections.

Dozens of federal agents descended on Omar Alexander Muñoz’s residential cul-de-sac in Commerce, a small city in Los Angeles County, to make the arrest. Muñoz was put in handcuffs in his pajamas and taken into federal custody downtown.

Esmeralda Muñoz, 70, said her family was furious that agents showed up to their home in full tactical gear with guns drawn to arrest her husband before dawn.

These arrests are an escalation in a fight that federal officials, who are assholes, picked with the state last week, and a subsequent lawsuit that revolves around a weird thumb drive that the dipshit feds were trying to get California officials to open, which they said contains that list of 20,000 “suspected illegal voters.”

Now they’re STEAMING MAD, because California officials very rationally refused to open the files, because why the fuck would you put a random thumb drive from a Putin-aligned government into your laptop? That’s basic hygiene, a concept with which the Trump administration and its fans are demonstrably unfamiliar!

Plus, one thing people generally do not do is vote “illegally.” That is a nonsense, harmful, horseshit conspiracy theory that originally emerged with the fucking Birchers. That’s right, people are getting arrested and my state is getting harassed because a bunch of fascists who can’t even be bothered to cook up anything new have decided to make paranoid Bircher lies from like 50 years ago their permission structure! (You can read all about that here, but it’s archived, because fuck a bunch of Birchers, they don’t need any traffic.)

You know what’s much more common than voter fraud throughout the history of the United States? Election interference from Donald Trump!

But don’t just take it from me! The same story has been played out again and again, for decades — big talk about “illegal voting,” followed by egg all over right-wing faces, followed by them starting the whole cycle up again because let’s be real, it’s actually racism and disenfranchisement:

State officials have previously warned, along with independent elections experts, that the Trump administration has badly overstated voter fraud claims in other states. In Nevada, for example, officials recently found that all 185 people the Justice Department flagged as potential noncitizens were in fact citizens. The administration has repeatedly revised downward its estimate for how many “likely noncitizens” are on California’s rolls.

So all of that is bad enough, but it gets worse. These 28 people might not have even voted to begin with, according to conspiracy theorist twerp Bill Essayli after the fact! He said it right here, with his very own lizard lips!

“I think the majority did cast a vote in a prior election. Not all, but most did,” Essayli said in a press conference following the arrests, admitting that the DOJ’s “high confidence” list of fraudulent noncitizen voters is not at all foolproof.

He thinks they maybe, probably, might have. Good thing you spent all those taxpayer dollars rousting elderly men from their beds for those photo ops, you absolute fuck, you incompetent, pudding-faced, brainwormed twerp with a fucking fake title, fuck you.

First Assistant U.S. Attorney Bill Essayli said that in the last two months, federal prosecutors have charged around 113 noncitizens in 20 states with illegal voting and registration offenses.

The arrests represent just a minuscule fraction of registered voters. For example, more than 9.4 million Californians cast ballots in the June primary election.

Essayli, who oversees prosecutors in Los Angeles, said the federal government may charge state election officials with crimes if they allowed noncitizens to vote.

“They are being complicit in noncitizens voting in our elections,” Essayli said. “And as they were warned last week, not only is it a civil violation, but they could also face criminal consequences for that conduct if they knowingly process ballots from noncitizens once we’ve informed them who the noncitizens are.”

Oh, shut the fuck up, you sad old piece of shit. Here’s a previous story about the same guy, who sucks on ice in every possible way, begging his fellow internet conspiracists to please, please help him make the stuff that only exists in their heads real:

“They put millions of ballots out into the mail, into the ether. The voter rolls are dirty. […] Dead people, people who’ve moved, convicted felons, are also receiving ballots,” he continued, before criticizing “ballot harvesting,” a basic ballot collection method practiced by both Democrats and Republicans in California. “I expect people will be charged. […] We have set up a tipline. I’ve set up a dedicated email. […] We are looking for any sort of widescale conspiracy, if you will.” He then told Beck that election fraud charges would be coming in “one to two months.”

“If anyone knows anything … if you’ve witnessed anything … if you saw someone collecting ballots in a suspicious way, or doing something odd with ballots, we wanna know about that.”

Okay, dumbass. Essayli here demonstrates he cannot tell reality from conspiracy theory and should step down from his job in disgrace immediately. I mean, I know he won’t, but he should.

Well, maybe those midterms can take care of him and the rest of these creeps, right? Please, please get out there and vote, if only to really fuck off all these conspiracy theorists, so we can get back to talking about important things, like cocktails, and gay hockey sex, and TV shows we like.

For America!