Trump Golf Pal Doesn't Need Russian Translator, He Just Needs This Ashtray And This Lamp!
Everything's going great! For Putin!
While his son Zach is running around the Middle East helping Uday and Qusay do family crypto-grifts, bumblefuck Steve Witkoff is out here pretending to do international diplomacy so badly he’s not even bringing translators along, eesh.
You remember Witkoff, the real estate investor and Trump’s golf buddy with no diplomatic experience? The one texting two hands-praying, a flexed bicep, and two American flag emojis 🙏🙏 💪 🇺🇸🇺🇸 in Pete Hegseth’s Signal chat with that reporter from the Atlantic on March 13, while Witkoff was also literally standing in Moscow?
CURRENTLY CLEAN ON OPSEC!
Witkoff’s title is Special Envoy to the Middle East, which is not Russia, but everybody in Trumpland has like five jobs. So in between his art o’dealing with Egypt, Iran, and Israel, Witkoff was also making four trips to Russia, on Feb. 11, March 13, April 11, and April 25, presumably to beg Putin to honor even one of the humanitarian truce agreements he’s made for even 24 hours. Please, let Trump pretend like he isn’t a pathetic patsy for one day!
And, weird, Witkoff has been traveling to Russia alone, even without the envoy to Ukraine, Lt. Keith Kellogg, who would seemingly be important to have tag along when you’re talking about Ukraine. Though Kellogg did retweet photos and hopeful well-wishes that the next peace agreement Putin makes will be the one he decides to honor for the first time after all these years.
And extra weird, on these four trips, Witkoff flew so solo that he had no American diplomatic staff at all, and no American translator! He just used one supplied by Putin.
Witkoff reportedly doesn’t speak a word of Russian, either, so he sat alone on one side of the table with no one to tell him how the Russians were saying in English that Putin was going to make beautiful Ukraine peace any minute, yet muttering to each other in Russian, “hurry up and download data from idyot’s phone and give him gift of bolshoy beautiful painting of Trump, Putin has afternoon appointment to push journalists out window.”
Witkoff going translator-less and staff-less also means there are no notes or records on the American side, other than the emojis Steve put in the Signal group chats. Steve-o flying solo: solo that record-keeping laws won’t be able to find him.
Whatever grunting pantomime of negotiations actually went on while Steve sat alone on his side of the table, they have not amounted to a pile of pierogi. Russia said they would do a 30-day truce, then right after Lt. Gen. Keith Kellogg reposted that picture up there bragging that a 30-day ceasefire would be the biggest deal since World War II, Putin immediately forgot how he’d just said that — Oops! must’ve pulled too hard on that vape he took from Brittney Griner! — and fired off some more drone-missiles.
And Russia had also already announced a ceasefire for itself from May 8 through 11, in honor of Russia Victory Day over Nazis. And then it ignored itself again immediately, like it does every single time, and kept on attacking Ukraine like it’s been doing all along.
In between his translator-less Russia trips, Witkoff also went on Tucker Carlson’s YouTube show to gush about how much respect Putin has for Trump, lie that Russia was not attacking Ukrainian energy infrastructure, lie that Russia was worried about Europe encroaching on Russia’s borders, and then lie some more that Russia having a referendum in the disputed regions of Ukraine would be some kind of legitimate vote.
“They’re Russian-speaking. There have been referendums where the overwhelming majority of the people have indicated that they want to be under Russian rule.”
Oh yeah, real legitimate, like the 2022 referendum Russia had in Zaporizhzhia. Said one voter: “We’re afraid … My uncle said that I have to open the door when they come, or the neighbors might report [me]. I will have to tick a box for Russia, or they might tear down my house.”
And so the “very easy negotiation” for peace in Ukraine that Daddy Trump said would be all over by January 21, is not, in fact, any closer to being done than it was back then, and Russia is still insisting on a fake vote to replace Zelenskyy with a puppet.
Trump did manage to extort a deal for preferential mining rights out of Ukraine, one where for first dibs the US sells Ukraine 16 planes, but with no security guarantees for Ukraine. And within hours VP JD Vance was out there saying the US wouldn’t be giving them any more help than that:
“It’s going to be up to them (Ukraine and Russia) to come to an agreement and stop this brutal, brutal conflict. It’s not going anywhere. It’s not going to end anytime soon,” Vance told Fox News.
Germany gave Russia until midnight Monday to cut it out, or else more sanctions of whatever is left to sanction, and the EU is sending Ukraine an extra $1 billion in frozen Russian assets to buy more drones and missiles with.
Zelenskyy says he’s holding open Thursday on his calendar if Putin wants to talk in Turkey, and President Recep Tayyip Erdogan says he will supply a mezze platter. And apparently Cozy Bear and President Baby Bear have had one of their midnight ice cream chats, because Trump said:
"I believe both leaders are going to be there. I even thought about flying over — I'm not sure where I'll be on Thursday, I have so many meetings."
Oh, so many. He’s gotta go to the Middle East to check out his new $400 million flying carpet!
But maybe he’ll send ol’ monolingual Steve to sit in and Signal-chat some emojis about whatever more-of-the-same that goes on.
[NBC / Kyiv Independent / Washington Post archive link]
Oh Steve Witkoff, you leathery golf-cart goblin, it’s giving Junior Varsity Benedict Arnold, but with worse optics and even worse opsec. You flew into Moscow four times with no translator, no staff, no strategy, just you, your emoji keyboard, and whatever sloshes around in your skull when you try to remember how a handshake works. Your diplomatic credential is "owns polo shirts with too many American flags on them," and your contribution to peace talks is apparently grunting across the table while Putin’s cronies clone your phone and swap kompromat over espresso.
You’re not a “Special Envoy,” you’re a loyalty test with legs. Trump needed someone so dumb and sycophantic he’d agree to walk into a Russian intelligence meeting with fewer protections than a Craigslist date. Mission accomplished, comrade.
Let’s be real, Putin doesn’t even need kompromat anymore. He’s got Witkoff. A dude whose entire foreign policy education consists of watching Rocky IV and thinking Ivan Drago was misunderstood.
This isn’t diplomacy. It’s a wet fart masquerading as a ceasefire. And the only thing “negotiated” here is the final price for selling out Ukraine while selling Trump a flattering painting and a janky mining contract.
But sure. Tell us more, Steve, about how the Russians really respect Trump. Especially when they’re muttering in Russian that you’re the useful idiot who came gift-wrapped in MAGA merch.
Schumer just announced he's placing a hold on *all* of Mad Lord Yam's DOJ nominees over the Qatar jet issue.